THE HEART OF ADDICTION
CHAPTER 12
Heart Problems
Christians who struggle with the idolatry of addiction have several heart problems: bitterness, guilt leading to the avoidance of emotional pain, discontentment with a desire for a “quick fix,” loneliness, depression and despair, people-pleasing, and the fear of man. We will look at each of these problems that are ruled by our emotions. Ruled by Emotions Substance abusers tend to make feelings-oriented decisions rather than principle-oriented decisions.98 They feel emotions to the extreme, and these can be powerful influences that affect their behavior; sometimes leading them astray. The transforming addict must learn to be ruled by the commands of God rather than by personal emotions. Substance abusers primarily communicate and think out of emotion. Often, their first response to stimuli is emotional rather than logical. For example, someone asks an addict in active addiction: “What are your thoughts about that movie you watched this weekend?” The addict likely would answer by exuding emotion rather than thoughts. Typically, they would respond like this: “What a romantic movie! I cried. It is a tremendous love story with an exciting ending. I was so moved. I loved it.” Lots of emotional words and inflections are used by this person. They use superlatives like always, never, worst, and best, because these words communicate extreme emotion. They like to emote and when they do experience an emotion, they prefer it to feel good! Obviously, they seek pleasure and avoid pain. Drugs and alcohol are effective for them because they enhance the already powerful emotions in an addict. They want to experience an emotion to its fullest extent. Bitterness Proverbs 31:6 says that the “perishing” person is in “bitter distress.” The New King James version of the Bible describes the person as “bitter of heart.”99 Bitterness is a major heart problem for the substance abuser. Addicts tend to be very tender-hearted toward strangers and social causes (like feeding the poor), yet they act selfishly around their loved ones when in active addiction. They tend to be the loyal type of friend who will do anything for anyone else. When an addict asks for help from a fellow addict, he usually gets some assistance; money, more drugs, or whatever the need may be. In fact, addicts who are seeking help to change their behavior tend to sympathize with other addicts and are more accepting of those who are unlovely according to society’s standards primarily because they are, or have been, in the “same shoes.” In contrast, substance abusers tend to be overly critical of themselves when soberly reflecting upon their own behaviors. They also tend to be very critical of those who hurt and reject them whether it is a perceived or real hurt. This is where bitterness begins to creep into their hearts. In his book, The Heart of Anger, Lou Priolo writes that the first step in the process of becoming rebellious occurs when someone experiences a hurt.100 Proverbs 18:14 says: “a crushed spirit who can bear?” and this crushed spirit is the feeling of hurt and rejection that is produced when one is emotionally harmed. It feels unbearable. Furthermore, because the person “plays the tape” of the hurt over and over in his mind, he is reminding himself of that hurt so much that it keeps the wound fresh. It is similar to having a cut on your arm that begins to heal and grows a scab over the wound. If you were to pull that scab off of your arm, you would “re-feel” the hurt and pain of that wound again. Resentment is the same “re-feeling” only with emotional pain rather than physical pain. When you remind yourself, the offender, or third parties about the emotional hurt you experienced, you are re-opening that wound and experiencing the pain for a second time. How will the wound ever heal if it is not left alone? As this “seed” of hurt is continually brought to one’s remembrance, the hurt turns into bitterness. Bitterness, or what the world refers to as “resentment,” is cultivated and rooted in one’s heart if not handled biblically. Hebrews 12:15 says: “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no ‘root of bitterness’ springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.” When the addict is so critical of himself and overly sensitive to the criticism of others, he tends to be driven to drink to excess to avoid the hurts and emotional pains of everyday life. Addicts are often their own best critics and they are overly sensitive when others criticize them, or when they perceive that others are being too critical and harsh. Because the addict has a big, tender heart, he can be hurt easily by others. He must become a little more thick-skinned; he must not allow others to hurt him so intensely. Sometimes this is a pride issue in that the addict thinks too highly of himself (“How could they do that to me?”), and as a result, he gets hurt easily.101 The church must help people learn how to forgive each other for hurts, real and perceived. We need to be the forerunners in leading people away from bitterness and resentment, fear of rejection and the like. Most Christian substance abusers and addicts want to receive forgiveness for their addictive behaviors, but truly repentant ones must learn how to grant forgiveness to those that have hurt, rejected, and offended them. We in the church would be well served to practice biblical forgiveness more regularly. Forgiveness: The Antidote to Bitterness The Bible has much to say about forgiveness, as it is an essential teaching for fallible Christians. In the Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6:12, Jesus states: “and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Debts that we owe to God are a direct result of our many sins. We are asking Him to replace our sin record with the perfect record of Christ. In turn, God asks us to replace the sin records of others with the perfect record of Christ when they sin against us, repent, and ask us to forgive them. Forgiveness is not easily understood in the natural man’s mind. People sinfully want others to feel the same pain and hurt that they felt when offended. The true Christian must understand the real forgiveness of God the Father through the sacrifice of His Son. Knowing the kind of suffering and emotional pain Jesus experienced on the cross, how can the true Christian not forgive others of their small offenses when he has been forgiven by God of many great offenses? Jesus taught His disciples about forgiving others in Luke 17:3-4: Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him. Forgiveness is commanded by God and is not optional for Christians. It may surprise you how the process of forgiveness starts. According to Luke 17:3, the Christian who was sinned against, offended, and hurt must go to his brother in Christ and rebuke him for the offense. In other words, the wounded person must confront the offender. Many substance abusers want to avoid conflict at all costs in order to keep the peace, but this is not the biblical model. God calls Christians to be peacemakers who are not afraid of resolving a conflict in a biblically appropriate manner. Out of a righteous motive of holding a sinning brother accountable for his God-given responsibilities, a hurt Christian must lovingly and appropriately confront his sinning brother, and this is not optional! Next, Luke 17:3 says that if the confronted brother or sister repents by asking for forgiveness, then the hurt, offended Christian must forgive him. Forgiveness is a promise. It is a promise not to bring it up again to yourself, the person who hurt you, or a third party (which would be gossip). Forgiveness is an act of your will. It is a choice you make. God says He remembers your sins no more. God does not forget your sins because He is God and knows all things. Instead, God actively chooses not to remember them by replacing His thoughts of your sin with the sacrifice His Son Jesus made upon the cross. God chooses not to remember your sin and not to remind Himself of it. In the same manner, you must choose not to remember the sin of those who have hurt you.102 Forgiveness is an active choice rather than a passive one. You may have to continually remind yourself not to hold a grudge against someone who has asked for your forgiveness. You have to make the effort to change your thoughts about that person’s actions and how it hurt you. You may not feel like forgiving them, and you may not necessarily feel better as a result of having forgiven this person who has hurt you. However, you must actively choose to not remember it anymore by not reminding yourself of the offense. You must choose to not remember it because when you remember how this person hurt you, it stirs up all of the emotions associated with the hurt. You then recall the hurt, disappointment, anger, confusion, and any other emotion that you experienced from the offense against you. It is critical that you do not bring the matter back to your remembrance by talking about it again to a third party, the offender, or yourself. If you do remind yourself of the person’s hurtful actions against you after having forgiven them, you must then repent because forgiveness is not optional; it is a command of God. It may be difficult for you to forget the hurts you experienced by this person because you are sensitive to the criticism of others. You must put these principles in place in order to forgive first and then forget. Forgetting may never happen, but it definitely will not happen until you first forgive. If you still struggle with forgiving the person (as evidenced by whenever you see them you are reminded of how the person hurt you in the past), then make a written list of all of the good things that have resulted from your relationship with this person. •How have you grown closer to the Lord as a result of this hurtful and painful experience? •Write down a “gratitude list” specifically about the instance and the person who hurt you. •Replace your negative, “perishing” thoughts with positive, uplifting thoughts about the person. •Write a list of specific Bible verses associated with thankfulness to memorize to replace your negative thoughts about the person and the act. •Use Appendix H to help you. God can and will use this experience to draw you closer to Him. Guilt – Leading to the Avoidance of Emotional Pain It has already been mentioned that the addict is seeking pleasure while avoiding emotional pain at all costs by staying active in the addiction. What does this emotional pain consist of? Often, the problem is rooted in the guilt experienced from a conflict and the emotional pain that was never biblically resolved. As a result, the guilt never disappears. For example, a son or a spouse has allowed himself to become addicted to a substance and has betrayed the trust and confidence of family members by using family resources to support his addiction. Now, when the repentant addict comes out of the active using phase of the intoxicant, the pain is still there. The pain may even be worse resulting in the desire to continue using the drug to excess. It is a vicious cycle, continuing until the guilt and pain are addressed in a biblical manner that is pleasing to God. What is the biblical manner in which to address the pain? Proverbs 28:13 states: “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” The first step of the healing process for the pain is to confess your sin. Admit your problem. Do not hide it by attempting to “conceal” it from the Lord, who is already aware of it. If you are feeling guilty about something, confess it to a counselor, close Christian friend, or a pastor. Pray with them and ask God to forgive you. The second step is to make restitution which is “forsaking” your sin. Find a way to right the wrong you committed. There are a variety of ways to do this and a variety of situations that require this type of restitution so we are not able to address every circumstance specifically. If you cannot find a way to repay the wrong you committed, ask the trusted Christian person to whom you confessed your sin what he suggests you do for restitution. You can also ask the person whom you offended how you can make appropriate restitution for your wrongdoing. Discontentment with a Desire for the “Quick Fix” A major heart problem for the addict is discontentment, which feeds the “perishing” mentality. Rather than being content with where God has stationed him in life, he thinks God has “dealt him a poor hand”. The world calls this discontentment “pessimism” and it reigns supreme in the mind of an active abuser. In fact, the continued usage of intoxicants to excess becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy to the active user who continues to become discontent. “God must really hate me because of all of the problems in my life,” thinks the discontent one. Discontentment is a dangerous mindset for the clean and sober person because it can lead to active addiction rather quickly. The addicted person’s best idea to eliminate discontentment is by applying a “quick fix,” or temporary solution. To illustrate, a mechanic who puts freon in a leaky air conditioner of a motor vehicle is not fixing the problem; he is only providing quick, temporary relief from the heat of summer. When the freon leaks out again, the same problem will reappear. In order to truly fix the problem the mechanic replaces the air conditioner’s leaky hose with one that does not leak and then adds the freon. The “quick fix” mechanic does not want to put forth the extra effort required to truly fix the heart of the problem. Substance abusers think they have the “quick fix” answer—seeking pleasure while avoiding their emotional pain. It temporarily works until the high wears off, and then all of the problems reappear. The “quick fix” is a desire for magic dust or a magic pill to change the way I think and feel. The “quick fix” mentality believes the lie that one does not have to do any work to fix the problem. It is akin to the idea of buying a one dollar lottery ticket with the unrealistic dream of winning three million dollars when the odds are astronomically against winning. What’s not good in Genesis? Loneliness When the addict feels lonely, he feels it in an extreme measure. Remember that the substance abuser tends to feel all emotions to extremes. When he is down, he really gets down and out. When he is up, he really feels great! Loneliness is common for both men and women. God created the desire in us to marry someone of the opposite sex for companionship. Eve was formed by God and given in marriage to Adam explicitly for companionship. Eve filled a void that Adam experienced right after being created and living with the animals.103 Before The Fall and sin of mankind, God said that “it was not good that the man should be alone” in Genesis 2:18. Until that point in Genesis, God said that everything he made was good. The first time God said anything in His creation was “not good” was in reference to it not being a good situation for man to be alone in Genesis 2:18. Loneliness is a normal experience in life. Even though it overwhelms the addict, God intends for him or her to use the feeling of being lonely like a thermometer. It can be illustrated this way: the thermometer measures how lonely the Christian has become so that he can adjust his thermostat (his relationship to the Lord). The feelings of great loneliness indicate to him how far away he currently is from God and how much he needs to adjust his “thermostat.” God has not gone anywhere, but the substance abuser has drifted away from the Lord and is therefore experiencing a degree of loneliness. The lonely Christian can adjust his thermostat by drawing close to God in a number of ways, including church attendance, prayer, Bible study, singing praise to God, and fellowship with believers. Often, meaningful fellowship with a like-minded believer in Christ is the best remedy. Depression and Despair Normal sadness can lead to depression and despair for the addict who experiences emotions to extreme. But the “perishing” mentality feeds depression and despair, too, as the substance abusing Christian centers his thinking upon how bad things are rather than upon the blessings he has received from the Lord. Addicts tend to experience deep lows stemming from: •Guilt •Perceived and/or real hurts •An elevated, incorrect view of self as most important The “perishing mentality,” or “stinking thinking” as the world calls it, contributes greatly to depression because one’s thoughts create one’s emotions. We’ve already addressed how to biblically handle guilt, how to respond to hurts, and how to battle the “perishing mentality.” Some of those same methods apply to depression. Depression and despair are very real to the substance abuser, but he must not give in to these feelings to the point of not meeting his responsibilities. Christians who are depressed and in despair have no hope and have given up on finding help. They have been overwhelmed by the cares and responsibilities of this world. The faith they have in a loving, caring, and Sovereign God has been engulfed by their feelings of hopelessness in this “perishing” mindset. While very real, the “perishing mentality” is foolishness at its core because the Christian has chosen to believe the lie that God is not lovingly concerned about his or her circumstances. He or she has not realized that God has chosen to allow these circumstances to be present to help the addict grow and draw nearer to Him. Romans 8:28 states: “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” If the Christian addict loves God, then this specific verse of the Bible states that God uses everything that the Christian experiences in his life for his benefit and good. The verse does not promise that everything will be good. The promise is that God will turn the bad and the good circumstances into a blessing for the Christian who loves God. The depressed Christian must choose to do the right thing by fulfilling his responsibilities in life. Again, he must not be only a hearer of God’s word, but he must also be a doer of it. He can experience the feeling of sadness but he cannot stay sad or depressed to the point of neglecting his God-given responsibilities. He must be an “overcomer” of his feelings and actively complete his obligations unto God. This may not be the solution the addict wants to hear because many Christians want a magic pill and a quick fix to their problems; however, God holds us responsible and accountable to Him for our actions. Therefore, if you are a Christian, you have certain responsibilities and commands to follow that have been instituted by God in the Bible. You do not have the option of remaining in a state of despair and depression to the neglect of your responsibilities before the Lord. Quite often, depression is caused by the anger and guilt of having done something that was sinful. For example, a drug addict who is stealing pain medication from his father (who takes it to ease the pain of his terminal cancer) will most likely experience large amounts of guilt and shame for his selfish actions. Without true repentance, these actions cause the guilt to mount and may lead to severe depression. The solution for the addict is to confess and forsake his sin by asking for forgiveness and paying restitution to his father. Once he does so, the sorrow and depression caused by his sinful actions turn to rejoicing and a clear conscience before God and man. Again, does this sound too easy? Then, take this challenge: try it and see whether it is easy or not. You will learn that it takes real courage and humility to confess sin rather than hide it. As a result of being obedient, you will also see the wonderful blessings of doing things God’s way. People-pleasing, Fear of Man, and Love of Approval Some Christians avoid conflict and confronting another person because they are concerned about what people are going to think. The Bible calls this type of person a “people-pleaser.”104 This person is more interested in looking like a good person rather than being a good person by obeying the Lord. It is the fear of man rather than the fear of God. Christians are often riddled with fear: afraid to share the Gospel with strangers, afraid to take a stand on current moral issues, and afraid to look as though they are not perfect to unbelievers and believers. Christians must quit trying to appear as though they are perfect people. At the root, this is a pride issue that involves the love of approval and keeping up an appearance of how they want to be perceived rather than being who they truly are. Often, a “people-pleaser” is someone who portrays what he thinks someone else wants him to be. Many of these ideas and thoughts of how he “should” appear to the people he wants to impress are self-imposed. In other words, these ideas and thoughts are generated by the people-pleasing substance abuser based upon his perceptions of these other people. The Christian ends up being a fake rather than himself. He may “wear a different mask” around some people in an effort to have people like him. The Christian addict considers himself a “people person.” It can become embarrassing if he occasionally forgets to wear the right “mask” around someone he wants to impress. If this happens, he has to tell more lies to “save face” and avoid embarrassment. What can be really devastating is when two different people with whom he wears two totally different “masks” meet in an unexpected situation. Then the people-pleaser faces a huge problem by having to be two different people at the same time. Unfortunately, most addicts are adequately skilled at keeping this charade without being exposed for who they truly are. Some persons in active addiction are people-pleasing to avoid conflict because they feel ashamed and guilty for their sinful actions. A truly repentant drunkard becomes more and more transparent as he grows in Christ. By “transparent,” it is meant that the formerly addicted person lives his life in an open manner since he no longer has anything to hide. He is no longer ashamed of his behavior and it is reflected in how he openly lives his life. His transformation allows him to become transparent to those who care the most about him. The transformed Christian addict is not consumed with what others think because he now has a clear conscience before the Lord, a new identity in Christ Jesus, and he is living in obedience to the Word of God. Work, Work, and More Work Some addicts have a “quick fix” mentality when it comes to prayer. Have you ever said, “I pray everyday to you, Lord, but what else do I need to do to overcome this addiction?” Prayer is essential for a Christian addict, but some believe in the secular idea that they are supposed to “let go and let God” without doing any of the hard work. The real solution is work. There is no “quick fix.” Work, work, and more work! In order for the person who uses the “go button” in a positive manner to overcome the addiction, hard work is required. Often the Christian who grows in Christ is like a runner in a marathon who must pace himself rather than a sprinter of a short distance. Do you remember Adam’s consequence for his sin against God when he ate the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden? Genesis 3:23 tells us: “therefore the Lord God sent him out from the garden of Eden to work the ground from which he was taken.” In addition, this work that Adam had to do was hard work. Genesis 3:17b-19: cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life; thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground (Emphasis mine). Do not be deceived: to overcome your addiction you must work hard! Your sin has the same consequence in your life that Adam’s sin did for him. Contentment is Learned How does one overcome this “perishing” mentality fed by discontentment? The hard work begins by replacing these harmful thoughts with grateful thoughts. Contentment is learned according to the Apostle Paul in Philippians 4:11: “Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.” Contentment begins by understanding that a Sovereign and loving God knows what is best for the addict. God has allowed the addict to be right where He wants him to be. Contentment is best learned by looking for the blessings and choosing to think on the circumstances as blessings rather than thinking of them as a curse. Does a loving, Heavenly Father curse an obedient child? God does not curse His children but He does discipline them. Hebrews 12:6 tells you: “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” Is God disciplining you right now? If you are a believer in Christ Jesus, then be content that God loves you as His son, and He wants you to change your behavior. If you are an unbeliever, then you will forever remain discontent in your substance abuse until you place your trust in the Lord Jesus Christ. Christians must learn contentment by focusing their thoughts on the things listed in Philippians 4:8: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Identity in Christ The repentant Christian no longer has to hide, lie, or attempt to appear perfect to other people (wear a mask) because his identity is in Christ.105 Others do not (or, rather, should not) expect you to be perfect in this life so you do not have to portray a false image of being faultless. You have faults, problems, and struggles in this life but Christ is able to strengthen you to overcome those weaknesses. Quit trying to wear masks to hide your flaws from people. You have flaws. By acting as if you are perfect, you are lying to yourself, others, and God. Perfectionism is offensive to God because it is rooted in pride: only One Person, the Lord Jesus Christ, is perfect. At heart, the thinking of a perfectionist says, “I am capable of being like God (who really is perfect). I can work hard to achieve perfection. I will make people think I am perfect. God would want me to appear to be perfect.” Those are all lies of Satan and underestimate the power of sin and our sin nature. Be authentic. Be someone who struggles but by God’s grace continues to persevere in a fallen world full of challenges in this life. Most addicts and many Christians struggle with an “identity crisis.” They do not know who they are and who they are supposed to become. You are to become more like Christ Jesus every day that you live, but you are an imperfect creature dealing with the consequences of sin in a sin-cursed world. You will become more like Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit working in conjunction with the Word of God. Because of God’s grace, you are a “new creation.”106 Remember however, that you will not be perfect until you die and are given a new, glorified body in the afterlife. For now, your identity is not about you. Your identity is who you are in Christ alone. When God looks at a Christian, He sees the righteousness of Christ and not the sinner. Christians are thankful that God sees them in their new identity rather than in their old one that was destined for an eternity in hell. A wonderful passage of Scripture that comforts many repentant Christians is this one in I Corinthians 6:9-11: Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
Prayer of Heart Change and Application:
Dear Heavenly Father, in this fallen world, I struggle with these heart problems of bitterness, guilt, discontentment, loneliness, depression, despair, people-pleasing, a desire for a “quick fix,” pride, self-pity, and selfishness. I know that you have a good purpose even when I experience these bad heart problems: You want me to draw closer to you. Father, please remind me to draw close to you when I feel this way. Enable me to overcome my emotions by remaining obedient to you regardless of the problems I experience and hurts I feel. I want my emotions to work for me rather than against me, Lord, and for your glory. Make me more Christ-like each day. Remind me that I have a new identity and I can be authentic to everyone I meet because it is you alone whom I must please. Amen.
Christians who struggle with the idolatry of addiction have several heart problems: bitterness, guilt leading to the avoidance of emotional pain, discontentment with a desire for a “quick fix,” loneliness, depression and despair, people-pleasing, and the fear of man. We will look at each of these problems that are ruled by our emotions. Ruled by Emotions Substance abusers tend to make feelings-oriented decisions rather than principle-oriented decisions.98 They feel emotions to the extreme, and these can be powerful influences that affect their behavior; sometimes leading them astray. The transforming addict must learn to be ruled by the commands of God rather than by personal emotions. Substance abusers primarily communicate and think out of emotion. Often, their first response to stimuli is emotional rather than logical. For example, someone asks an addict in active addiction: “What are your thoughts about that movie you watched this weekend?” The addict likely would answer by exuding emotion rather than thoughts. Typically, they would respond like this: “What a romantic movie! I cried. It is a tremendous love story with an exciting ending. I was so moved. I loved it.” Lots of emotional words and inflections are used by this person. They use superlatives like always, never, worst, and best, because these words communicate extreme emotion. They like to emote and when they do experience an emotion, they prefer it to feel good! Obviously, they seek pleasure and avoid pain. Drugs and alcohol are effective for them because they enhance the already powerful emotions in an addict. They want to experience an emotion to its fullest extent. Bitterness Proverbs 31:6 says that the “perishing” person is in “bitter distress.” The New King James version of the Bible describes the person as “bitter of heart.”99 Bitterness is a major heart problem for the substance abuser. Addicts tend to be very tender-hearted toward strangers and social causes (like feeding the poor), yet they act selfishly around their loved ones when in active addiction. They tend to be the loyal type of friend who will do anything for anyone else. When an addict asks for help from a fellow addict, he usually gets some assistance; money, more drugs, or whatever the need may be. In fact, addicts who are seeking help to change their behavior tend to sympathize with other addicts and are more accepting of those who are unlovely according to society’s standards primarily because they are, or have been, in the “same shoes.” In contrast, substance abusers tend to be overly critical of themselves when soberly reflecting upon their own behaviors. They also tend to be very critical of those who hurt and reject them whether it is a perceived or real hurt. This is where bitterness begins to creep into their hearts. In his book, The Heart of Anger, Lou Priolo writes that the first step in the process of becoming rebellious occurs when someone experiences a hurt.100 Proverbs 18:14 says: “a crushed spirit who can bear?” and this crushed spirit is the feeling of hurt and rejection that is produced when one is emotionally harmed. It feels unbearable. Furthermore, because the person “plays the tape” of the hurt over and over in his mind, he is reminding himself of that hurt so much that it keeps the wound fresh. It is similar to having a cut on your arm that begins to heal and grows a scab over the wound. If you were to pull that scab off of your arm, you would “re-feel” the hurt and pain of that wound again. Resentment is the same “re-feeling” only with emotional pain rather than physical pain. When you remind yourself, the offender, or third parties about the emotional hurt you experienced, you are re-opening that wound and experiencing the pain for a second time. How will the wound ever heal if it is not left alone? As this “seed” of hurt is continually brought to one’s remembrance, the hurt turns into bitterness. Bitterness, or what the world refers to as “resentment,” is cultivated and rooted in one’s heart if not handled biblically. Hebrews 12:15 says: “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no ‘root of bitterness’ springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.” When the addict is so critical of himself and overly sensitive to the criticism of others, he tends to be driven to drink to excess to avoid the hurts and emotional pains of everyday life. Addicts are often their own best critics and they are overly sensitive when others criticize them, or when they perceive that others are being too critical and harsh. Because the addict has a big, tender heart, he can be hurt easily by others. He must become a little more thick-skinned; he must not allow others to hurt him so intensely. Sometimes this is a pride issue in that the addict thinks too highly of himself (“How could they do that to me?”), and as a result, he gets hurt easily.101 The church must help people learn how to forgive each other for hurts, real and perceived. We need to be the forerunners in leading people away from bitterness and resentment, fear of rejection and the like. Most Christian substance abusers and addicts want to receive forgiveness for their addictive behaviors, but truly repentant ones must learn how to grant forgiveness to those that have hurt, rejected, and offended them. We in the church would be well served to practice biblical forgiveness more regularly. Forgiveness: The Antidote to Bitterness The Bible has much to say about forgiveness, as it is an essential teaching for fallible Christians. In the Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6:12, Jesus states: “and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Debts that we owe to God are a direct result of our many sins. We are asking Him to replace our sin record with the perfect record of Christ. In turn, God asks us to replace the sin records of others with the perfect record of Christ when they sin against us, repent, and ask us to forgive them. Forgiveness is not easily understood in the natural man’s mind. People sinfully want others to feel the same pain and hurt that they felt when offended. The true Christian must understand the real forgiveness of God the Father through the sacrifice of His Son. Knowing the kind of suffering and emotional pain Jesus experienced on the cross, how can the true Christian not forgive others of their small offenses when he has been forgiven by God of many great offenses? Jesus taught His disciples about forgiving others in Luke 17:3-4: Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him. Forgiveness is commanded by God and is not optional for Christians. It may surprise you how the process of forgiveness starts. According to Luke 17:3, the Christian who was sinned against, offended, and hurt must go to his brother in Christ and rebuke him for the offense. In other words, the wounded person must confront the offender. Many substance abusers want to avoid conflict at all costs in order to keep the peace, but this is not the biblical model. God calls Christians to be peacemakers who are not afraid of resolving a conflict in a biblically appropriate manner. Out of a righteous motive of holding a sinning brother accountable for his God-given responsibilities, a hurt Christian must lovingly and appropriately confront his sinning brother, and this is not optional! Next, Luke 17:3 says that if the confronted brother or sister repents by asking for forgiveness, then the hurt, offended Christian must forgive him. Forgiveness is a promise. It is a promise not to bring it up again to yourself, the person who hurt you, or a third party (which would be gossip). Forgiveness is an act of your will. It is a choice you make. God says He remembers your sins no more. God does not forget your sins because He is God and knows all things. Instead, God actively chooses not to remember them by replacing His thoughts of your sin with the sacrifice His Son Jesus made upon the cross. God chooses not to remember your sin and not to remind Himself of it. In the same manner, you must choose not to remember the sin of those who have hurt you.102 Forgiveness is an active choice rather than a passive one. You may have to continually remind yourself not to hold a grudge against someone who has asked for your forgiveness. You have to make the effort to change your thoughts about that person’s actions and how it hurt you. You may not feel like forgiving them, and you may not necessarily feel better as a result of having forgiven this person who has hurt you. However, you must actively choose to not remember it anymore by not reminding yourself of the offense. You must choose to not remember it because when you remember how this person hurt you, it stirs up all of the emotions associated with the hurt. You then recall the hurt, disappointment, anger, confusion, and any other emotion that you experienced from the offense against you. It is critical that you do not bring the matter back to your remembrance by talking about it again to a third party, the offender, or yourself. If you do remind yourself of the person’s hurtful actions against you after having forgiven them, you must then repent because forgiveness is not optional; it is a command of God. It may be difficult for you to forget the hurts you experienced by this person because you are sensitive to the criticism of others. You must put these principles in place in order to forgive first and then forget. Forgetting may never happen, but it definitely will not happen until you first forgive. If you still struggle with forgiving the person (as evidenced by whenever you see them you are reminded of how the person hurt you in the past), then make a written list of all of the good things that have resulted from your relationship with this person. •How have you grown closer to the Lord as a result of this hurtful and painful experience? •Write down a “gratitude list” specifically about the instance and the person who hurt you. •Replace your negative, “perishing” thoughts with positive, uplifting thoughts about the person. •Write a list of specific Bible verses associated with thankfulness to memorize to replace your negative thoughts about the person and the act. •Use Appendix H to help you. God can and will use this experience to draw you closer to Him. Guilt – Leading to the Avoidance of Emotional Pain It has already been mentioned that the addict is seeking pleasure while avoiding emotional pain at all costs by staying active in the addiction. What does this emotional pain consist of? Often, the problem is rooted in the guilt experienced from a conflict and the emotional pain that was never biblically resolved. As a result, the guilt never disappears. For example, a son or a spouse has allowed himself to become addicted to a substance and has betrayed the trust and confidence of family members by using family resources to support his addiction. Now, when the repentant addict comes out of the active using phase of the intoxicant, the pain is still there. The pain may even be worse resulting in the desire to continue using the drug to excess. It is a vicious cycle, continuing until the guilt and pain are addressed in a biblical manner that is pleasing to God. What is the biblical manner in which to address the pain? Proverbs 28:13 states: “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” The first step of the healing process for the pain is to confess your sin. Admit your problem. Do not hide it by attempting to “conceal” it from the Lord, who is already aware of it. If you are feeling guilty about something, confess it to a counselor, close Christian friend, or a pastor. Pray with them and ask God to forgive you. The second step is to make restitution which is “forsaking” your sin. Find a way to right the wrong you committed. There are a variety of ways to do this and a variety of situations that require this type of restitution so we are not able to address every circumstance specifically. If you cannot find a way to repay the wrong you committed, ask the trusted Christian person to whom you confessed your sin what he suggests you do for restitution. You can also ask the person whom you offended how you can make appropriate restitution for your wrongdoing. Discontentment with a Desire for the “Quick Fix” A major heart problem for the addict is discontentment, which feeds the “perishing” mentality. Rather than being content with where God has stationed him in life, he thinks God has “dealt him a poor hand”. The world calls this discontentment “pessimism” and it reigns supreme in the mind of an active abuser. In fact, the continued usage of intoxicants to excess becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy to the active user who continues to become discontent. “God must really hate me because of all of the problems in my life,” thinks the discontent one. Discontentment is a dangerous mindset for the clean and sober person because it can lead to active addiction rather quickly. The addicted person’s best idea to eliminate discontentment is by applying a “quick fix,” or temporary solution. To illustrate, a mechanic who puts freon in a leaky air conditioner of a motor vehicle is not fixing the problem; he is only providing quick, temporary relief from the heat of summer. When the freon leaks out again, the same problem will reappear. In order to truly fix the problem the mechanic replaces the air conditioner’s leaky hose with one that does not leak and then adds the freon. The “quick fix” mechanic does not want to put forth the extra effort required to truly fix the heart of the problem. Substance abusers think they have the “quick fix” answer—seeking pleasure while avoiding their emotional pain. It temporarily works until the high wears off, and then all of the problems reappear. The “quick fix” is a desire for magic dust or a magic pill to change the way I think and feel. The “quick fix” mentality believes the lie that one does not have to do any work to fix the problem. It is akin to the idea of buying a one dollar lottery ticket with the unrealistic dream of winning three million dollars when the odds are astronomically against winning. What’s not good in Genesis? Loneliness When the addict feels lonely, he feels it in an extreme measure. Remember that the substance abuser tends to feel all emotions to extremes. When he is down, he really gets down and out. When he is up, he really feels great! Loneliness is common for both men and women. God created the desire in us to marry someone of the opposite sex for companionship. Eve was formed by God and given in marriage to Adam explicitly for companionship. Eve filled a void that Adam experienced right after being created and living with the animals.103 Before The Fall and sin of mankind, God said that “it was not good that the man should be alone” in Genesis 2:18. Until that point in Genesis, God said that everything he made was good. The first time God said anything in His creation was “not good” was in reference to it not being a good situation for man to be alone in Genesis 2:18. Loneliness is a normal experience in life. Even though it overwhelms the addict, God intends for him or her to use the feeling of being lonely like a thermometer. It can be illustrated this way: the thermometer measures how lonely the Christian has become so that he can adjust his thermostat (his relationship to the Lord). The feelings of great loneliness indicate to him how far away he currently is from God and how much he needs to adjust his “thermostat.” God has not gone anywhere, but the substance abuser has drifted away from the Lord and is therefore experiencing a degree of loneliness. The lonely Christian can adjust his thermostat by drawing close to God in a number of ways, including church attendance, prayer, Bible study, singing praise to God, and fellowship with believers. Often, meaningful fellowship with a like-minded believer in Christ is the best remedy. Depression and Despair Normal sadness can lead to depression and despair for the addict who experiences emotions to extreme. But the “perishing” mentality feeds depression and despair, too, as the substance abusing Christian centers his thinking upon how bad things are rather than upon the blessings he has received from the Lord. Addicts tend to experience deep lows stemming from: •Guilt •Perceived and/or real hurts •An elevated, incorrect view of self as most important The “perishing mentality,” or “stinking thinking” as the world calls it, contributes greatly to depression because one’s thoughts create one’s emotions. We’ve already addressed how to biblically handle guilt, how to respond to hurts, and how to battle the “perishing mentality.” Some of those same methods apply to depression. Depression and despair are very real to the substance abuser, but he must not give in to these feelings to the point of not meeting his responsibilities. Christians who are depressed and in despair have no hope and have given up on finding help. They have been overwhelmed by the cares and responsibilities of this world. The faith they have in a loving, caring, and Sovereign God has been engulfed by their feelings of hopelessness in this “perishing” mindset. While very real, the “perishing mentality” is foolishness at its core because the Christian has chosen to believe the lie that God is not lovingly concerned about his or her circumstances. He or she has not realized that God has chosen to allow these circumstances to be present to help the addict grow and draw nearer to Him. Romans 8:28 states: “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” If the Christian addict loves God, then this specific verse of the Bible states that God uses everything that the Christian experiences in his life for his benefit and good. The verse does not promise that everything will be good. The promise is that God will turn the bad and the good circumstances into a blessing for the Christian who loves God. The depressed Christian must choose to do the right thing by fulfilling his responsibilities in life. Again, he must not be only a hearer of God’s word, but he must also be a doer of it. He can experience the feeling of sadness but he cannot stay sad or depressed to the point of neglecting his God-given responsibilities. He must be an “overcomer” of his feelings and actively complete his obligations unto God. This may not be the solution the addict wants to hear because many Christians want a magic pill and a quick fix to their problems; however, God holds us responsible and accountable to Him for our actions. Therefore, if you are a Christian, you have certain responsibilities and commands to follow that have been instituted by God in the Bible. You do not have the option of remaining in a state of despair and depression to the neglect of your responsibilities before the Lord. Quite often, depression is caused by the anger and guilt of having done something that was sinful. For example, a drug addict who is stealing pain medication from his father (who takes it to ease the pain of his terminal cancer) will most likely experience large amounts of guilt and shame for his selfish actions. Without true repentance, these actions cause the guilt to mount and may lead to severe depression. The solution for the addict is to confess and forsake his sin by asking for forgiveness and paying restitution to his father. Once he does so, the sorrow and depression caused by his sinful actions turn to rejoicing and a clear conscience before God and man. Again, does this sound too easy? Then, take this challenge: try it and see whether it is easy or not. You will learn that it takes real courage and humility to confess sin rather than hide it. As a result of being obedient, you will also see the wonderful blessings of doing things God’s way. People-pleasing, Fear of Man, and Love of Approval Some Christians avoid conflict and confronting another person because they are concerned about what people are going to think. The Bible calls this type of person a “people-pleaser.”104 This person is more interested in looking like a good person rather than being a good person by obeying the Lord. It is the fear of man rather than the fear of God. Christians are often riddled with fear: afraid to share the Gospel with strangers, afraid to take a stand on current moral issues, and afraid to look as though they are not perfect to unbelievers and believers. Christians must quit trying to appear as though they are perfect people. At the root, this is a pride issue that involves the love of approval and keeping up an appearance of how they want to be perceived rather than being who they truly are. Often, a “people-pleaser” is someone who portrays what he thinks someone else wants him to be. Many of these ideas and thoughts of how he “should” appear to the people he wants to impress are self-imposed. In other words, these ideas and thoughts are generated by the people-pleasing substance abuser based upon his perceptions of these other people. The Christian ends up being a fake rather than himself. He may “wear a different mask” around some people in an effort to have people like him. The Christian addict considers himself a “people person.” It can become embarrassing if he occasionally forgets to wear the right “mask” around someone he wants to impress. If this happens, he has to tell more lies to “save face” and avoid embarrassment. What can be really devastating is when two different people with whom he wears two totally different “masks” meet in an unexpected situation. Then the people-pleaser faces a huge problem by having to be two different people at the same time. Unfortunately, most addicts are adequately skilled at keeping this charade without being exposed for who they truly are. Some persons in active addiction are people-pleasing to avoid conflict because they feel ashamed and guilty for their sinful actions. A truly repentant drunkard becomes more and more transparent as he grows in Christ. By “transparent,” it is meant that the formerly addicted person lives his life in an open manner since he no longer has anything to hide. He is no longer ashamed of his behavior and it is reflected in how he openly lives his life. His transformation allows him to become transparent to those who care the most about him. The transformed Christian addict is not consumed with what others think because he now has a clear conscience before the Lord, a new identity in Christ Jesus, and he is living in obedience to the Word of God. Work, Work, and More Work Some addicts have a “quick fix” mentality when it comes to prayer. Have you ever said, “I pray everyday to you, Lord, but what else do I need to do to overcome this addiction?” Prayer is essential for a Christian addict, but some believe in the secular idea that they are supposed to “let go and let God” without doing any of the hard work. The real solution is work. There is no “quick fix.” Work, work, and more work! In order for the person who uses the “go button” in a positive manner to overcome the addiction, hard work is required. Often the Christian who grows in Christ is like a runner in a marathon who must pace himself rather than a sprinter of a short distance. Do you remember Adam’s consequence for his sin against God when he ate the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden? Genesis 3:23 tells us: “therefore the Lord God sent him out from the garden of Eden to work the ground from which he was taken.” In addition, this work that Adam had to do was hard work. Genesis 3:17b-19: cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life; thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground (Emphasis mine). Do not be deceived: to overcome your addiction you must work hard! Your sin has the same consequence in your life that Adam’s sin did for him. Contentment is Learned How does one overcome this “perishing” mentality fed by discontentment? The hard work begins by replacing these harmful thoughts with grateful thoughts. Contentment is learned according to the Apostle Paul in Philippians 4:11: “Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.” Contentment begins by understanding that a Sovereign and loving God knows what is best for the addict. God has allowed the addict to be right where He wants him to be. Contentment is best learned by looking for the blessings and choosing to think on the circumstances as blessings rather than thinking of them as a curse. Does a loving, Heavenly Father curse an obedient child? God does not curse His children but He does discipline them. Hebrews 12:6 tells you: “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” Is God disciplining you right now? If you are a believer in Christ Jesus, then be content that God loves you as His son, and He wants you to change your behavior. If you are an unbeliever, then you will forever remain discontent in your substance abuse until you place your trust in the Lord Jesus Christ. Christians must learn contentment by focusing their thoughts on the things listed in Philippians 4:8: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Identity in Christ The repentant Christian no longer has to hide, lie, or attempt to appear perfect to other people (wear a mask) because his identity is in Christ.105 Others do not (or, rather, should not) expect you to be perfect in this life so you do not have to portray a false image of being faultless. You have faults, problems, and struggles in this life but Christ is able to strengthen you to overcome those weaknesses. Quit trying to wear masks to hide your flaws from people. You have flaws. By acting as if you are perfect, you are lying to yourself, others, and God. Perfectionism is offensive to God because it is rooted in pride: only One Person, the Lord Jesus Christ, is perfect. At heart, the thinking of a perfectionist says, “I am capable of being like God (who really is perfect). I can work hard to achieve perfection. I will make people think I am perfect. God would want me to appear to be perfect.” Those are all lies of Satan and underestimate the power of sin and our sin nature. Be authentic. Be someone who struggles but by God’s grace continues to persevere in a fallen world full of challenges in this life. Most addicts and many Christians struggle with an “identity crisis.” They do not know who they are and who they are supposed to become. You are to become more like Christ Jesus every day that you live, but you are an imperfect creature dealing with the consequences of sin in a sin-cursed world. You will become more like Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit working in conjunction with the Word of God. Because of God’s grace, you are a “new creation.”106 Remember however, that you will not be perfect until you die and are given a new, glorified body in the afterlife. For now, your identity is not about you. Your identity is who you are in Christ alone. When God looks at a Christian, He sees the righteousness of Christ and not the sinner. Christians are thankful that God sees them in their new identity rather than in their old one that was destined for an eternity in hell. A wonderful passage of Scripture that comforts many repentant Christians is this one in I Corinthians 6:9-11: Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
Prayer of Heart Change and Application:
Dear Heavenly Father, in this fallen world, I struggle with these heart problems of bitterness, guilt, discontentment, loneliness, depression, despair, people-pleasing, a desire for a “quick fix,” pride, self-pity, and selfishness. I know that you have a good purpose even when I experience these bad heart problems: You want me to draw closer to you. Father, please remind me to draw close to you when I feel this way. Enable me to overcome my emotions by remaining obedient to you regardless of the problems I experience and hurts I feel. I want my emotions to work for me rather than against me, Lord, and for your glory. Make me more Christ-like each day. Remind me that I have a new identity and I can be authentic to everyone I meet because it is you alone whom I must please. Amen.