Anger & Stress Management God’s Way
THE WAY OF ESCAPE: PART 2
Chapter 8
Over the years in which I’ve been involved in counseling, I’ve had hundreds of people come to me experiencing the problem we are discussing in the last few chapters of this book. They come for help because, according to them, they’re “stressed out,” or “coming apart at the seams,” or unable to sleep at night, or nervous, or anxious, or overwhelmed. Because I’m a biblical counselor, most (though not all) of the people I see in counseling are professing Christians. Yet, rather than overcoming the stressors of life, these people are being overcome by them. They simply have not learned a biblical way of handling the pressures of life. Frankly, that is one of the reasons I decided to write this book.
I want to help Christians learn a biblical procedure for overcoming stress before it overcomes them. In the last chapter, we began to discuss the details of this biblical procedure. We noted two of what we called “overcoming factors”—to overcome stress before it overcomes you, you must develop a pattern of seeing everything within the framework of God’s sovereignty. you must choose to develop a pattern of constantly giving thanks to God in everything and at all times. In this chapter, we move on to discuss several other key factors in the process of overcoming stress. OVERCOMING FACTOR #3 To win this battle over the stressors of life, we should seek to discover God’s purpose for each stressful situation. In the previous chapter, we noted that God uses the stressors of life to accomplish something good (see Jer. 29:11; Rom. 8:28–29; James 1:2–5).
This must be our attitude if we are thinking and functioning biblically; it must be our perspective of choice. Sometimes, however, what exactly God is up to through the stressor is not immediately clear to us. The details aren’t spelled out for us, as they are when we buy some kind of new appliance or piece of equipment. For example, when my wife and I bought a new automobile recently, we discovered that we didn’t have a clue about the purpose of some of the gadgets, buttons, and switches it had; and, while we had a little understanding of what some of the other gadgets, buttons, and switches were intended to do, we didn’t know how to make the best use of them. Fortunately, there was an owner’s manual to which we turned for help. Soon after buying the car, we made it a point to peruse the manual, and now we can drive the car safely and use the gadgets in a beneficial way. That’s not the way it is with the stressors of life.
They don’t come with a little book that quickly and easily explains why God has allowed them to come into our lives or exactly how to benefit from them. There’s no “owner’s manual” with a couple of pages that read, “You are going through this stressful situation because . . .” That doesn’t mean they’re not intended to serve a good purpose in our lives. Nor does it mean that we can’t identify the purpose that God wants them to serve in our lives. It just means that we may have to do some biblical research (see Ps. 1:2; Isa. 8:19–20; 2 Tim. 2:15). It means that we’ll need to do some serious praying (see James 1:5) and thinking to discover what the purposes are. Many passages of Scripture present a variety of perspectives on God’s purposes for trials in the lives of believers. Additionally, many sizeable volumes have been written to explain what the Scripture says about God’s purposes for bringing various and numerous trials into our lives.
In this book, it’s not my purpose to be exhaustive in my explanation of God’s purposes for the stressors that may come from our environment and circumstances, our own limitations and inadequacies, and our relationships with people. Rather, my aim is to give you a few of the broad purposes that God often has in mind when we encounter various kinds of difficulties. My hope is that God will use what I write to stimulate you to consider whether He wants to use any of the stressors you experience to accomplish any of the following purposes. The Boomerang, or Sowing and Reaping, Principle When encountering the challenges that come into our lives from our relationships with people, we ought to think in terms of the sowing and reaping principle described in numerous passages in Scripture.
Whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. (Gal. 6:7) Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned. Give, and it will be given to you. . . . For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return. (Luke 6:37–38) Who is there to harm you if you prove zealous for what is good? (1 Peter 3:13) Each of these verses suggests a very important general principle for dealing with interpersonal difficulties—namely, that the way people relate to us may be a mirror of what they see in our lives. When others are “standoffish” with us, it may be that they see us as being standoffish. If they’re argumentative, critical, or uncooperative with us, it may be that they perceive the same behaviors in us. This is not always the case, but in some cases we, by our own attitudes and actions, may be creating our own interpersonal environments.
When encountering stress from other people, we ought to at least consider the possibility of this boomerang, or sowing and reaping, effect. In keeping with this interpersonal relationship principle, our Lord Jesus Christ counsels us that, when we are having problems in our relationships, we should “notice the log that is in your own eye. . . . First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matt. 7:3, 5). In similar fashion, the book of Proverbs references this phenomenon in a number of places. Note how this sampling of verses highlights this principle in an unmistakable way: When pride comes, then comes dishonor. (Prov. 11:2) Through insolence [i.e., pride] comes nothing but strife.
(Prov. 13:10) A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger. (Prov. 15:1 NKJV) A hot-tempered man stirs up strife. (Prov. 15:18) Drive out the scoffer, and contention will go out, Even strife and dishonor will cease. He who loves purity of heart And whose speech is gracious, the king is his friend. (Prov. 22:10–11) These verses tell us that when the stress we face comes from our relationships with people, we should at least entertain the possibility that God is trying to get us to examine ourselves to see what we may be doing to either encourage or exacerbate our interpersonal problems. In other words, when someone is angry with us, God may be allowing this to occur so that we will learn to speak softly rather than harshly to people.
When someone is demeaning, nasty, and feisty with us, we should consider that perhaps God is allowing this to happen so that we will deal with our own internal and outwardly manifested pride. Since we know that God is working all things (including this interpersonal problem) together for good, when interpersonal stress occurs our thinking should be, Perhaps God wants to use what I’m experiencing as a mirror to make me aware of attitudes and behaviors I need to change and, thereby, to help me become more conformed to the image of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. The James 1:2–5 Attitude Adopting a James 1:2–5 attitude toward the stressors of life is an essential part of overcoming stress before it overcomes us. In this passage, James clearly states that for us to overcome the destructive influence of stress, it’s important to know that God will use various kinds of trials to do several very beneficial things in our lives.
First, James wants us to know that God will use these trials to test us; that is, trials will help us to assess the reality and strength of our faith and our commitment, devotion, and submission to Him. Of course, the testing referred to here is all for our benefit, not God’s—because God, being omniscient, already knows the facts about us. Second, James tells us that God will use the stressors of life to produce in us the very important quality of perseverance, or steadfastness. Instability and inconstancy, constant vacillation, and deterioration seem to be the order of the day for many. Like the Galatians (see Gal. 3:3–5), there are many people who seem to begin well but have no staying power. They lack persevering power. Our Lord Jesus Christ described these people in Matthew 13 as people who have no firm root in themselves but are only “temporary believers”; for, when affliction or persecution arises, they quickly fall away (see vv. 5–6, 20–21).
These people’s faith is put to the test through the trials they experience. Their response to that testing proves that their faith is spurious and, in fact, nonexistent. Interestingly, according to James, the same trials can serve a radically different purpose for other people—the extremely useful purpose of producing a quality that cannot be developed apart from the experience of stress. For these people, the trials generate perseverance and steadfastness, qualities that are absolutely essential if we are to experience the blessings of God and run the race of the Christian life successfully (see Heb. 10:36; 12:1). In addition to these two perspectives on overcoming stress that James has mentioned, he goes on to tell us that we must recognize that God wants to use our stressors to make us “perfect and complete, lacking in nothing” ( James 1:4).
In commenting on this phrase, Simon Kistemaker writes, What does “perfect” mean? Certainly it does not mean “without sin.” In 3:2 James writes, “We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.” James intends to convey the concept of wholeness, that is, “not lagging behind in any point.” Addressing the Philippians, Paul also uses the expression perfect. The New International Version translates it “mature”: “All of us who are mature should take such a view of things” (Phil. 3:15). With respect to the readers of Paul’s and James’s letters, the term perfect means “mature.” A synonym of “mature” is the word complete. In the name of Jesus, Peter healed the lame man who daily sat begging at Solomon’s Colonnade.
Luke writes that this beggar was given complete healing (Acts 3:16). The crippled man’s feet and ankles became strong so that he functioned as a complete human being without handicap. . . . The phrase not lacking anything is synonymous with the preceding term complete, which expresses the concept that all parts are functioning. Although both terms state the same concept, the first does so positively; the second, negatively.1 Implicit in the directions that James gives for overcoming stress before it overcomes us is the idea that success in this endeavor requires us to understand our own deficiencies—to realize that we are lacking in many things. It requires us to understand that the trials we face are God’s way of uncovering the existence and nature of our deficiencies, so that those deficiencies may be corrected.
It suggests that the trials we encounter can help us to identify our pockets of immaturity and our areas of incompleteness—the areas in our lives where we are most lacking in being like Jesus Christ. Getting the most benefit out of our trials requires us to recognize that the stressors don’t make us immature or incomplete; they simply reveal where this is already true of us, so that we can seek God’s help to correct these deficiencies in our lives. In my own life, as I have encountered some of the various stressors James is referring to, I have found it very helpful to focus on a verbal picture of what God wants every Christian to be. Ultimately, we know that God wants to make us like Jesus Christ (see Rom. 8:29; Eph. 4:13–15). Maturity and completeness means that we are like Jesus.
Immaturity and incompleteness means that we are unlike Jesus in some area of our lives. But while all of this is true, the concept of being like Christ may seem rather vague and hard to get our arms around. “What would Jesus do?” is a wonderful concept; but, without specifics to fill in the blanks, it may be somewhat useless. Asking the question “How am I unlike Jesus?” is a good practice for identifying what God may want to do in our lives through stressors. Unfortunately it doesn’t go far enough, and it really isn’t very helpful unless we know specifics about what Jesus is like. To make this concept of being like Jesus really meaningful, I have personally found it very helpful to compare myself to the verbal picture of a Christian given in several passages in Scripture.
Doing this has been useful to me because each of these passages gives us a wonderful verbal picture of what Jesus is like. Many passages of Scripture could be used for this purpose, but I will mention only two of them. One of these passages is Matthew 5:3–12, where a Christian is described as a person who is poor in spirit, grieved over sin, gentle or meek, hungering and thirsting after righteousness, merciful, pure in heart, a peacemaker, and so committed to righteousness that he or she will suffer rather than be unrighteous. My response to the stressors I face will reveal either the presence or absence of these qualities in my life. My response will bring to the surface the areas in which I’m immature and incomplete (i.e., unlike Jesus).
Then, having identified the way in which I’m not like Jesus, I can confess my sin, seek God’s help, and commit to disciplining myself for the purpose of godliness (see 1 Tim. 4:7), which, of course, means becoming like Jesus. Another passage that I use in the same way is Galatians 5:22–23, which lists the fruit of the Spirit. Scripture says that Jesus is the perfect example of someone who is filled with the Spirit (see Isa. 11:2–5; John 3:34; Acts 10:38). Therefore, as might be expected, His life was a perfect example of a life filled to overflowing with the fruit of the Spirit. The Lord Jesus Christ was the ultimate personification of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
As I encounter various stressors in life, I try to focus on the truths found in James 1:2–5 that God wants to use the stressors in my life to reveal my deficiencies and also to make me more like Jesus. I try to deliberately meditate on the fact that my response will bring to the surface the areas in which I’m immature and incomplete (i.e., unlike Jesus) and that, when I use Galatians 5:22–23 as the evaluative grid for determining ways in which I am unlike Jesus, the stressors can be turned into an asset in my Christian life. Using Galatians 5:22–23 as an evaluative grid, I ask myself, Is my potential or actual response revealing a lack of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self-control?
Then, having finished identifying the particular areas in which I am unlike Christ, I go on to confess my sin, seek God’s help, commit to disciplining myself for the purpose of godliness, and develop a plan for making that godliness more of a reality in my life (see 1 Tim. 4:7). I wish I could say that I’ve always handled the stressors in my life in this way, but honesty compels me to admit that I haven’t. I can honestly say, however, that whenever I have responded in this way (and I’m growing in doing so), I have benefited rather than been destroyed by them. Moreover, I can confidently say—because it’s based on solid-rock biblical truth—that if you will approach the stressors in your life in this way, you will make real progress in overcoming stress before it overcomes you.
OVERCOMING FACTOR #4
To overcome stress before it overcomes you, you must seek to discover what God wants you to do in the midst of the stressful situation. As He tells us in His Word, real biblical change in any area of life is always a two-factored process; it’s a matter of putting some things off and putting some things on. For example, Ephesians 4:31 instructs us to put off “all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander . . . along with all malice” (all of which are unbiblical responses to the stressors we face), and the following verse tells us to put on tenderheartedness, kindness and forgiveness. In other words, eliminating the wrong responses is not enough. These wrong responses must be replaced with the right responses—it’s displacement by replacement and dehabituation by rehabituation.
We are to stop responding the wrong way by learning to respond the right way. Philippians 4:6–9 tells us that anxiety, a wrong response, is to be replaced with the right kind of prayer, thinking, and actions. Colossians 3:8–14 informs us that we should get rid of the wrong responses of anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive and deceitful speech and should put on in their place a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forbearance, forgiveness, and love. In all these passages and many more, the Bible challenges us to focus not only on what we shouldn’t do but, even more importantly, on what we should do.
What this means is that when we encounter stressors, we should exercise emotional, cognitive, and behavioral self-control and make ourselves deliberately think about what an appropriate, godly, biblical response would be. Instead of allowing ourselves to have a knee-jerk reaction, we should develop the habit of bringing every thought into captivity and making it obedient to Christ (see 2 Cor. 10:5). When under stress, we should discipline ourselves to ask the question, “What would God have me do—how should I respond?” As we do this, several things will happen: We will be obeying, and renewing our minds with, Scripture. We, and our responses to the stressors, will be transformed. We will discover, prove, and approve the good, perfect, and acceptable will of God (see Rom. 12:2).
At this point, I want to illustrate what it looks like in practice to utilize the overcoming factors I’ve mentioned thus far by telling you about how they were implemented by a young lady we’ll call “Sally.” When Sally came to me for counseling, she told me of her past involvement in a satanic cult, lesbianism, and a lot of other destructive and ungodly practices. She also informed me that she recently had become a Christian and now wanted to put off her old, ungodly patterns of life and put on godly attitudes and behaviors. One of the problems she faced in doing this came from a woman with whom she’d had a lesbian affair.
Sally had clearly told this woman (we’ll call her “Susan”) that she had become a Christian and wanted nothing to do with her former manner of life. Unfortunately, this former partner in sin would not leave her alone. Susan just kept coming back to harass her. She would go to where this young lady worked and follow her home. When they arrived at her apartment, Susan would jump out of the car and try to persuade Sally to return to their immoral relationship. On one occasion, when Sally had stopped at a stoplight behind several other cars, Susan ran up to her car, forced open the door, and threatened her with bodily harm unless she returned to her. I told her to report this woman to the police and ask for police protection. I also informed her that she should enlist the elders and people of her church to do whatever they could to provide safety for her. I suggested that she try to get other people to go with her to as many activities as she possibly could. In spite of all this, Susan continued to stalk her, looking for opportunities when she could harass her and hopefully pressure her into returning.
One day when Sally came for her counseling appointment, she told me that Susan had again accosted her when she was coming out of a restaurant. She said that Susan had abused her physically and threatened her verbally. I asked her, “How did you respond? How were you affected?” She indicated that she had become very alarmed and afraid, not knowing to what lengths Susan might go in carrying out her threats. While Sally was relating her experience to me, I identified with her difficult situation and reflected on how I would be tempted to think and feel if I were experiencing what she was experiencing. As I listened to her, I thought of a passage in the Bible that seemed to be a match for what Sally was going through—a passage that could provide the help and direction she needed. When she finished her description of what was happening in her life, I reminded her that God has given us in His Word everything that we need for life and godliness (see 2 Peter 1:3–4).
I told her that, as I listened to her, I couldn’t help but think of a passage in 1 Peter that seemed to be very appropriate for her at this time in her life. I then asked her to turn with me to that passage: 1 Peter 3:13–16. I explained to her that this passage, and indeed all of 1 Peter, was written to people who were suffering for the same reason that she was suffering. They were suffering for righteousness, suffering because they had taken their stand for Christ (see v. 14; cf. 4:16). We studied 1 Peter 3:13, which suggests that when we are continuously doing good we are much less likely to be mistreated or persecuted. We then went on to look at verse 14, which indicates that there are times when, even though we are zealously doing what is good, God, for His own good purposes, may still allow us to suffer. We also noticed that this statement, about the possibility that doers of good will suffer, is followed by an assurance of blessing for those who suffer for righteousness’ sake. We talked about why and how the person who suffers for righteousness might be blessed, paying close attention to the blessings mentioned in the immediate (vv. 15–16) and larger context of 1 Peter.
Having done this, we focused on God’s instructions in verses 14 through 16 about what we should and should not do when we experience hardships. We noted that verse 14 tells us what we shouldn’t do (what we should put off), reflecting specifically on Peter’s challenge not to allow people’s threats and abuses to intimidate us and cause us to be despondent. We then spent some time discussing verses 15 and 16, which provide the directions (the “put ons”) for overcoming the wrong, destructive responses in verse 14. According to Peter, we must put on right responses as well as put off wrong responses. In fact, his point is that we put off by putting on.
The word but, with which verse 15 begins, calls our attention to the fact that what he is about to say is vitally connected to what he has just said—namely, that instead of responding to stressors with fear and despair we should sanctify Christ as Lord in our hearts. That is, we should choose to see everything that happens to us within the framework of our Lord’s sovereignty. We explored together the implication of this, specifically that recognizing and understanding that our Savior is Christ and Lord is the antidote to being overcome by the stressors of life. I told Sally this means that, when we are called on to go through hard times, we must meditate on the fact that Christ is Lord of everything and everybody—that Christ is ruling, that He is still in control, and that He has all authority in heaven and on earth. I then asked her how all of this might apply to her experience of being mistreated and threatened by Susan. She made the connection. I explained to her that this means Christ has authority over Susan, and therefore Christ can restrain her. It means that Susan is not Lord and that Sally must not think of her in that way.
Furthermore, I stated that if and when she thought of Susan in this way, fear would control her. On the basis of this text, I told Sally that when she is tempted to allow fear to overcome her, she should deliberately at that moment reflect on the fact that Christ is Lord of all and that He is Lord of her. I admonished her to do several things: First, she must choose to see everything within the framework of the sovereignty of God. Second, she must deliberately choose to thank God for His power, His promises, and His watchful care over her. I told her that as she does this, she must remember that God is up to something in allowing her trial to happen; and, according to His Word, what He is up to is something that will ultimately be good for her and bring glory to Him (see Rom. 8:28; 11:36).
I urged her to think about what God may want to do in her and through her by means of the “Susanic stressor” (see James 1:2–4). Then, having exposited and applied the truth of 1 Peter 3:15, we moved on to note another thing God says we must do, in verse 16, if we would overcome the stressor of difficult circumstances. Instead of focusing exclusively on the horror of the situation, we should focus on doing good and making sure we behave in a God-pleasing way. In other words, the passage challenges us to bring our thoughts into subjection and make ourselves think about what God wants us to do and how God would have us to act, so that we might be a testimony for Him. In the context of our difficulties, we should be thinking about what it means to sanctify Christ as Lord.
As we face stressful situations, we should devote our attention to planning and doing good instead of thinking mainly about the horrific nature of the problem. In times like these, we should be proactive rather than reactive. We should be asking, “Lord, what would you have me to do? How can I show the glory of Christ in my responses to this wickedness?” That’s what Sally needed to hear in the midst of her stressful situation. What was presented to her was, and still is, God’s plan for handling the stressors of life. Should you be wondering what happened in reference to the Susan harassment issue, I’m glad to be able to say that, as Sally continued in her Christian life, Susan began to realize that her threats and attempts at intimidation were useless.
She backed off, and the attempts at intimidation ceased. Sally, I say, needed to hear these truths. So do you and I. Mark it down and accept it as fact: as long as you are in this world, you will encounter a variety of stressors. Furthermore, you may count on it that, as you face these stressors, you will be tempted to respond in an unbiblical way. Moreover, you can also be assured that when, in faith and belief, you follow the biblical procedure I presented to Sally, you will be able to overcome stress before it overcomes you.
OVERCOMING FACTOR #5
Over the years, I have met and counseled many people who were coming apart at the seams because they were unnecessarily putting themselves in a “stressor situation.” Some were doing this by trying to do too many things. Some were doing it by failing to schedule and plan. Some were doing it by going places they should not have gone, and some by associating with the wrong kind of people. Some were doing it by treating every need they encountered as though God had commanded them to fulfill it personally. Some were doing it out of fear that if they didn’t do something it wouldn’t get done, or certainly it wouldn’t be done well. Some were doing it because they wanted people to think well of them or because they were afraid to say no. Some were doing it because being busy and overloaded made them feel important.
The reasons people unnecessarily put themselves in potentially stressful situations may vary. If you feel pressured by the thought that you have too much to do, it would be helpful for you to practice some self-examination to discover the main reason for your stress. Ask yourself, “Am I being stressed out for any of the reasons just mentioned, or for any other reasons that weren’t even mentioned?” Then you should seek to discover God’s perspective on why you put yourself in an unnecessarily stressful situation and should follow that by making the changes that God would have you make. One thing is certain: God will never call on us to do more than we, by His grace, are able to do (see 2 Cor. 3:5–6; 9:8; Phil. 4:13; Col. 1:29).
The words that Jesus spoke in defense of a certain woman who was criticized by others for something she had done are extremely encouraging for all of us as we seek to live in this present world. In defending her, Jesus told her critics to leave her alone, because she had done what she could (see Mark 14:8). Those words of Jesus are extremely significant for us. They indicate that our Lord didn’t expect her to do what she couldn’t do, only what she was able to do. So it is with us. God expects us to do what we can—no more and no less. This we must learn if we are going to overcome stress.
For example, if we have interpersonal relationship pressures, our responsibility is, as far as it depends on us, to “be at peace with all men” (Rom. 12:18). We must “pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another” (Rom. 14:19). These things we must do—the things that are likely to facilitate peace with other people. Pursuing the things that make for peace means that husbands or wives who have serious conflicts with their spouses should consistently seek to implement the directives of 1 Peter 3:1–7. That’s their responsibility; that’s what they can do. However, what they cannot and should not do is try to make their spouses be at peace with them. If they think that they can and must fix the problem, they’re trying to do more than they can do and will end up being stressed out.
They must fulfill their God-directed responsibility and then rely on God to do what they can’t do. Similarly, if there are things that are not being done at work or at church, then people must learn to prioritize and schedule and to use their time wisely. They must work heartily in accordance with their priorities as unto the Lord and must not try to do more than they can or should do (see Eph. 6:5–9; Col. 3:23–25).
This means they must learn to say yes to the things they can and should do, and no to the things that are not their primary responsibilities. They must say no to the things they can’t presently do because of a lack of time or skill. Perhaps at another time they will be able to do these things, but not at the present time. Failure to plan their work according to priorities and to work their plan according to those priorities will certainly put them in an unnecessarily stressful situation.
OVERCOMING FACTOR #6
In my Homework Manual for Biblical Living, I mention that many times we become annoyed, angry, and resentful because we think that some right of ours is being denied. To overcome this propensity, I encourage people to discern which “rights” of yours are being denied or neglected in this situation. Do you think you have a right to be respected, and is that why you are becoming upset because your wife won’t fulfill your wishes? Do you think you have a right to be appreciated, and is that why you are becoming resentful toward someone who has criticized you or won’t express his indebtedness to you? Identify what you think you are being denied and then turn the matter over to God. You belong to Him. He knows what you really need (Phil. 4:19). Trust Him to take care of you. He knows what things you have need of even before you ask (Matt. 6:25–34). Believe that God is much wiser than you. He knows much better than you what you really need, and He will supply what you need if you handle matters His way.
Turning your rights over to God doesn’t mean you must become a doormat. It does not mean that you never make your desires known, or that you never oppose, rebuke, insist, exhort, or seek to correct a person. It does mean that you seek to do what you do in a Biblical, God-honoring fashion; for Biblical, God-honoring reasons; out of Biblical, God-honoring motives. It does mean that after you have done all that you may legitimately do, you leave the results with God and believe that He will bring to pass what is right and good for you. God’s promise is that they who fear Him and seek Him shall not lack any good thing (Ps. 34:8–10). You must fulfill your Biblical responsibilities and then leave your “rights” to God. When He gives them back to you, consider them to be privileges and thank Him for them.2 I once read the story of a man who was known as a great worrier.
When you met him, worry was written all over his face. Wherever he went, people would hear him complaining and groaning about this or that or the other thing. It seemed that nothing ever suited him. But then one day, when someone who hadn’t seen him for a while met him, he noticed that there was something different about this man. He was struck by the fact that this man wasn’t groaning, grumbling, or complaining. What he saw was a pleasant expression and a smile on his face. Immediately he recognized that this man had become quite different from the person he had known. So he asked him, “What’s happened to you?” The man responded that he had hired someone else to do his worrying for him. “How much does he charge for that service?” “About $200 a day” was his reply. “Wow, that’s great—but how can you afford to pay this person $200 a day? Why, that’s $1,400 a week!” “Oh,” said the man, “I can’t afford to pay him that amount—but I don’t worry about it at all, because that’s not my problem. That’s what I pay him to do; it’s his responsibility to do the worrying for me.” Well, my friends, that’s a fictitious story, but it has a real point for us as Christians: we’ve turned all our rights over to God.
As 1 Corinthians 6:19–20 tells us, we’re not our own. We have been bought with a price. We belong to Him, and He has said, “Don’t worry. You have a heavenly Father who knows all about your situation—who cares and has said that if you take care of fulfilling your God-given responsibilities, He’ll take care of your needs and rights” (see Ps. 34:8–10; Matt. 6:19–34; Phil. 4:19; Heb. 13:5–6; 1 Peter 5:7). At the beginning of this section on overcoming stress, I asserted that everyone who lives in this world will encounter stressors. They simply can’t be avoided. Therefore, if you are to overcome these stressors so that they don’t wreak havoc in your life and relationships, you must have a well-grounded biblical procedure that you will faithfully use whenever you face these stressors. In this book, I have presented what I’m convinced is a godly way of responding to the stressors of life. I’m convinced that this biblically based procedure will work when you use it. It will work because it’s based on biblical truth.
The question is not “Will it work?” The question is “Will you use it?” God grant that you and I will respond with a resounding “Yes!” If we do, we will become people who, in accordance with 1 Peter 3:15 and 16, cause others to wonder what makes us so different; we will cause people who reject our Christ and our Christian lifestyle to be put to shame. To God be the glory; great things He has done and great things He will do, as we love, trust, and obey Him.
— APPLICATION/DISCUSSION QUESTIONS —
In this chapter, some additional important biblical factors for overcoming stress before it overcomes you were laid out. What were they? Summarize the meaning of these factors. Explain why practicing these factors would help you or anyone else to overcome wrong responses to stress.
Identify which of these factors you regularly practice when tempted to be “stressed out.” Give examples of times and situations when you have practiced these factors. Explain the practical effect that practicing these factors had on your life at the time. Identify which of these factors you are most prone to neglect when feeling tempted to be stressed out.
Are there times when you overextend yourself and try to do too much? Are there things you are saying yes to that you shouldn’t be saying yes to? Do you operate your life, and use your time and energy, in keeping with God’s priorities for your life? What are God’s priorities for your life? Are there things you should change? If so, what? And what must you do to make those changes? When you think of the verbal picture of a Christian described in the beatitudes (see Matt. 5:1–12), which of them are you most concerned about developing more of in your life?
How could stressors help you to achieve this? • Which of your perceived rights are being denied when you respond wrongly to stressors? What improvements can you make in your response to the rights you are denied? What will you do to make the biblical truths found in this chapter—for overcoming stress before it overcomes you—more of a reality in your life? Identify someone you know who is experiencing a lot of stress and is succumbing to the temptation to respond in unbiblical ways. Identify the ungodly ways this person is responding and the destructive consequences he or she is experiencing. Identify the factors for overcoming stress, presented in this chapter, that this person is not practicing. How could you use this material to help this person, or anyone else, to change their way of responding?
I want to help Christians learn a biblical procedure for overcoming stress before it overcomes them. In the last chapter, we began to discuss the details of this biblical procedure. We noted two of what we called “overcoming factors”—to overcome stress before it overcomes you, you must develop a pattern of seeing everything within the framework of God’s sovereignty. you must choose to develop a pattern of constantly giving thanks to God in everything and at all times. In this chapter, we move on to discuss several other key factors in the process of overcoming stress. OVERCOMING FACTOR #3 To win this battle over the stressors of life, we should seek to discover God’s purpose for each stressful situation. In the previous chapter, we noted that God uses the stressors of life to accomplish something good (see Jer. 29:11; Rom. 8:28–29; James 1:2–5).
This must be our attitude if we are thinking and functioning biblically; it must be our perspective of choice. Sometimes, however, what exactly God is up to through the stressor is not immediately clear to us. The details aren’t spelled out for us, as they are when we buy some kind of new appliance or piece of equipment. For example, when my wife and I bought a new automobile recently, we discovered that we didn’t have a clue about the purpose of some of the gadgets, buttons, and switches it had; and, while we had a little understanding of what some of the other gadgets, buttons, and switches were intended to do, we didn’t know how to make the best use of them. Fortunately, there was an owner’s manual to which we turned for help. Soon after buying the car, we made it a point to peruse the manual, and now we can drive the car safely and use the gadgets in a beneficial way. That’s not the way it is with the stressors of life.
They don’t come with a little book that quickly and easily explains why God has allowed them to come into our lives or exactly how to benefit from them. There’s no “owner’s manual” with a couple of pages that read, “You are going through this stressful situation because . . .” That doesn’t mean they’re not intended to serve a good purpose in our lives. Nor does it mean that we can’t identify the purpose that God wants them to serve in our lives. It just means that we may have to do some biblical research (see Ps. 1:2; Isa. 8:19–20; 2 Tim. 2:15). It means that we’ll need to do some serious praying (see James 1:5) and thinking to discover what the purposes are. Many passages of Scripture present a variety of perspectives on God’s purposes for trials in the lives of believers. Additionally, many sizeable volumes have been written to explain what the Scripture says about God’s purposes for bringing various and numerous trials into our lives.
In this book, it’s not my purpose to be exhaustive in my explanation of God’s purposes for the stressors that may come from our environment and circumstances, our own limitations and inadequacies, and our relationships with people. Rather, my aim is to give you a few of the broad purposes that God often has in mind when we encounter various kinds of difficulties. My hope is that God will use what I write to stimulate you to consider whether He wants to use any of the stressors you experience to accomplish any of the following purposes. The Boomerang, or Sowing and Reaping, Principle When encountering the challenges that come into our lives from our relationships with people, we ought to think in terms of the sowing and reaping principle described in numerous passages in Scripture.
Whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. (Gal. 6:7) Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned. Give, and it will be given to you. . . . For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return. (Luke 6:37–38) Who is there to harm you if you prove zealous for what is good? (1 Peter 3:13) Each of these verses suggests a very important general principle for dealing with interpersonal difficulties—namely, that the way people relate to us may be a mirror of what they see in our lives. When others are “standoffish” with us, it may be that they see us as being standoffish. If they’re argumentative, critical, or uncooperative with us, it may be that they perceive the same behaviors in us. This is not always the case, but in some cases we, by our own attitudes and actions, may be creating our own interpersonal environments.
When encountering stress from other people, we ought to at least consider the possibility of this boomerang, or sowing and reaping, effect. In keeping with this interpersonal relationship principle, our Lord Jesus Christ counsels us that, when we are having problems in our relationships, we should “notice the log that is in your own eye. . . . First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matt. 7:3, 5). In similar fashion, the book of Proverbs references this phenomenon in a number of places. Note how this sampling of verses highlights this principle in an unmistakable way: When pride comes, then comes dishonor. (Prov. 11:2) Through insolence [i.e., pride] comes nothing but strife.
(Prov. 13:10) A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger. (Prov. 15:1 NKJV) A hot-tempered man stirs up strife. (Prov. 15:18) Drive out the scoffer, and contention will go out, Even strife and dishonor will cease. He who loves purity of heart And whose speech is gracious, the king is his friend. (Prov. 22:10–11) These verses tell us that when the stress we face comes from our relationships with people, we should at least entertain the possibility that God is trying to get us to examine ourselves to see what we may be doing to either encourage or exacerbate our interpersonal problems. In other words, when someone is angry with us, God may be allowing this to occur so that we will learn to speak softly rather than harshly to people.
When someone is demeaning, nasty, and feisty with us, we should consider that perhaps God is allowing this to happen so that we will deal with our own internal and outwardly manifested pride. Since we know that God is working all things (including this interpersonal problem) together for good, when interpersonal stress occurs our thinking should be, Perhaps God wants to use what I’m experiencing as a mirror to make me aware of attitudes and behaviors I need to change and, thereby, to help me become more conformed to the image of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. The James 1:2–5 Attitude Adopting a James 1:2–5 attitude toward the stressors of life is an essential part of overcoming stress before it overcomes us. In this passage, James clearly states that for us to overcome the destructive influence of stress, it’s important to know that God will use various kinds of trials to do several very beneficial things in our lives.
First, James wants us to know that God will use these trials to test us; that is, trials will help us to assess the reality and strength of our faith and our commitment, devotion, and submission to Him. Of course, the testing referred to here is all for our benefit, not God’s—because God, being omniscient, already knows the facts about us. Second, James tells us that God will use the stressors of life to produce in us the very important quality of perseverance, or steadfastness. Instability and inconstancy, constant vacillation, and deterioration seem to be the order of the day for many. Like the Galatians (see Gal. 3:3–5), there are many people who seem to begin well but have no staying power. They lack persevering power. Our Lord Jesus Christ described these people in Matthew 13 as people who have no firm root in themselves but are only “temporary believers”; for, when affliction or persecution arises, they quickly fall away (see vv. 5–6, 20–21).
These people’s faith is put to the test through the trials they experience. Their response to that testing proves that their faith is spurious and, in fact, nonexistent. Interestingly, according to James, the same trials can serve a radically different purpose for other people—the extremely useful purpose of producing a quality that cannot be developed apart from the experience of stress. For these people, the trials generate perseverance and steadfastness, qualities that are absolutely essential if we are to experience the blessings of God and run the race of the Christian life successfully (see Heb. 10:36; 12:1). In addition to these two perspectives on overcoming stress that James has mentioned, he goes on to tell us that we must recognize that God wants to use our stressors to make us “perfect and complete, lacking in nothing” ( James 1:4).
In commenting on this phrase, Simon Kistemaker writes, What does “perfect” mean? Certainly it does not mean “without sin.” In 3:2 James writes, “We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.” James intends to convey the concept of wholeness, that is, “not lagging behind in any point.” Addressing the Philippians, Paul also uses the expression perfect. The New International Version translates it “mature”: “All of us who are mature should take such a view of things” (Phil. 3:15). With respect to the readers of Paul’s and James’s letters, the term perfect means “mature.” A synonym of “mature” is the word complete. In the name of Jesus, Peter healed the lame man who daily sat begging at Solomon’s Colonnade.
Luke writes that this beggar was given complete healing (Acts 3:16). The crippled man’s feet and ankles became strong so that he functioned as a complete human being without handicap. . . . The phrase not lacking anything is synonymous with the preceding term complete, which expresses the concept that all parts are functioning. Although both terms state the same concept, the first does so positively; the second, negatively.1 Implicit in the directions that James gives for overcoming stress before it overcomes us is the idea that success in this endeavor requires us to understand our own deficiencies—to realize that we are lacking in many things. It requires us to understand that the trials we face are God’s way of uncovering the existence and nature of our deficiencies, so that those deficiencies may be corrected.
It suggests that the trials we encounter can help us to identify our pockets of immaturity and our areas of incompleteness—the areas in our lives where we are most lacking in being like Jesus Christ. Getting the most benefit out of our trials requires us to recognize that the stressors don’t make us immature or incomplete; they simply reveal where this is already true of us, so that we can seek God’s help to correct these deficiencies in our lives. In my own life, as I have encountered some of the various stressors James is referring to, I have found it very helpful to focus on a verbal picture of what God wants every Christian to be. Ultimately, we know that God wants to make us like Jesus Christ (see Rom. 8:29; Eph. 4:13–15). Maturity and completeness means that we are like Jesus.
Immaturity and incompleteness means that we are unlike Jesus in some area of our lives. But while all of this is true, the concept of being like Christ may seem rather vague and hard to get our arms around. “What would Jesus do?” is a wonderful concept; but, without specifics to fill in the blanks, it may be somewhat useless. Asking the question “How am I unlike Jesus?” is a good practice for identifying what God may want to do in our lives through stressors. Unfortunately it doesn’t go far enough, and it really isn’t very helpful unless we know specifics about what Jesus is like. To make this concept of being like Jesus really meaningful, I have personally found it very helpful to compare myself to the verbal picture of a Christian given in several passages in Scripture.
Doing this has been useful to me because each of these passages gives us a wonderful verbal picture of what Jesus is like. Many passages of Scripture could be used for this purpose, but I will mention only two of them. One of these passages is Matthew 5:3–12, where a Christian is described as a person who is poor in spirit, grieved over sin, gentle or meek, hungering and thirsting after righteousness, merciful, pure in heart, a peacemaker, and so committed to righteousness that he or she will suffer rather than be unrighteous. My response to the stressors I face will reveal either the presence or absence of these qualities in my life. My response will bring to the surface the areas in which I’m immature and incomplete (i.e., unlike Jesus).
Then, having identified the way in which I’m not like Jesus, I can confess my sin, seek God’s help, and commit to disciplining myself for the purpose of godliness (see 1 Tim. 4:7), which, of course, means becoming like Jesus. Another passage that I use in the same way is Galatians 5:22–23, which lists the fruit of the Spirit. Scripture says that Jesus is the perfect example of someone who is filled with the Spirit (see Isa. 11:2–5; John 3:34; Acts 10:38). Therefore, as might be expected, His life was a perfect example of a life filled to overflowing with the fruit of the Spirit. The Lord Jesus Christ was the ultimate personification of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
As I encounter various stressors in life, I try to focus on the truths found in James 1:2–5 that God wants to use the stressors in my life to reveal my deficiencies and also to make me more like Jesus. I try to deliberately meditate on the fact that my response will bring to the surface the areas in which I’m immature and incomplete (i.e., unlike Jesus) and that, when I use Galatians 5:22–23 as the evaluative grid for determining ways in which I am unlike Jesus, the stressors can be turned into an asset in my Christian life. Using Galatians 5:22–23 as an evaluative grid, I ask myself, Is my potential or actual response revealing a lack of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self-control?
Then, having finished identifying the particular areas in which I am unlike Christ, I go on to confess my sin, seek God’s help, commit to disciplining myself for the purpose of godliness, and develop a plan for making that godliness more of a reality in my life (see 1 Tim. 4:7). I wish I could say that I’ve always handled the stressors in my life in this way, but honesty compels me to admit that I haven’t. I can honestly say, however, that whenever I have responded in this way (and I’m growing in doing so), I have benefited rather than been destroyed by them. Moreover, I can confidently say—because it’s based on solid-rock biblical truth—that if you will approach the stressors in your life in this way, you will make real progress in overcoming stress before it overcomes you.
OVERCOMING FACTOR #4
To overcome stress before it overcomes you, you must seek to discover what God wants you to do in the midst of the stressful situation. As He tells us in His Word, real biblical change in any area of life is always a two-factored process; it’s a matter of putting some things off and putting some things on. For example, Ephesians 4:31 instructs us to put off “all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander . . . along with all malice” (all of which are unbiblical responses to the stressors we face), and the following verse tells us to put on tenderheartedness, kindness and forgiveness. In other words, eliminating the wrong responses is not enough. These wrong responses must be replaced with the right responses—it’s displacement by replacement and dehabituation by rehabituation.
We are to stop responding the wrong way by learning to respond the right way. Philippians 4:6–9 tells us that anxiety, a wrong response, is to be replaced with the right kind of prayer, thinking, and actions. Colossians 3:8–14 informs us that we should get rid of the wrong responses of anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive and deceitful speech and should put on in their place a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forbearance, forgiveness, and love. In all these passages and many more, the Bible challenges us to focus not only on what we shouldn’t do but, even more importantly, on what we should do.
What this means is that when we encounter stressors, we should exercise emotional, cognitive, and behavioral self-control and make ourselves deliberately think about what an appropriate, godly, biblical response would be. Instead of allowing ourselves to have a knee-jerk reaction, we should develop the habit of bringing every thought into captivity and making it obedient to Christ (see 2 Cor. 10:5). When under stress, we should discipline ourselves to ask the question, “What would God have me do—how should I respond?” As we do this, several things will happen: We will be obeying, and renewing our minds with, Scripture. We, and our responses to the stressors, will be transformed. We will discover, prove, and approve the good, perfect, and acceptable will of God (see Rom. 12:2).
At this point, I want to illustrate what it looks like in practice to utilize the overcoming factors I’ve mentioned thus far by telling you about how they were implemented by a young lady we’ll call “Sally.” When Sally came to me for counseling, she told me of her past involvement in a satanic cult, lesbianism, and a lot of other destructive and ungodly practices. She also informed me that she recently had become a Christian and now wanted to put off her old, ungodly patterns of life and put on godly attitudes and behaviors. One of the problems she faced in doing this came from a woman with whom she’d had a lesbian affair.
Sally had clearly told this woman (we’ll call her “Susan”) that she had become a Christian and wanted nothing to do with her former manner of life. Unfortunately, this former partner in sin would not leave her alone. Susan just kept coming back to harass her. She would go to where this young lady worked and follow her home. When they arrived at her apartment, Susan would jump out of the car and try to persuade Sally to return to their immoral relationship. On one occasion, when Sally had stopped at a stoplight behind several other cars, Susan ran up to her car, forced open the door, and threatened her with bodily harm unless she returned to her. I told her to report this woman to the police and ask for police protection. I also informed her that she should enlist the elders and people of her church to do whatever they could to provide safety for her. I suggested that she try to get other people to go with her to as many activities as she possibly could. In spite of all this, Susan continued to stalk her, looking for opportunities when she could harass her and hopefully pressure her into returning.
One day when Sally came for her counseling appointment, she told me that Susan had again accosted her when she was coming out of a restaurant. She said that Susan had abused her physically and threatened her verbally. I asked her, “How did you respond? How were you affected?” She indicated that she had become very alarmed and afraid, not knowing to what lengths Susan might go in carrying out her threats. While Sally was relating her experience to me, I identified with her difficult situation and reflected on how I would be tempted to think and feel if I were experiencing what she was experiencing. As I listened to her, I thought of a passage in the Bible that seemed to be a match for what Sally was going through—a passage that could provide the help and direction she needed. When she finished her description of what was happening in her life, I reminded her that God has given us in His Word everything that we need for life and godliness (see 2 Peter 1:3–4).
I told her that, as I listened to her, I couldn’t help but think of a passage in 1 Peter that seemed to be very appropriate for her at this time in her life. I then asked her to turn with me to that passage: 1 Peter 3:13–16. I explained to her that this passage, and indeed all of 1 Peter, was written to people who were suffering for the same reason that she was suffering. They were suffering for righteousness, suffering because they had taken their stand for Christ (see v. 14; cf. 4:16). We studied 1 Peter 3:13, which suggests that when we are continuously doing good we are much less likely to be mistreated or persecuted. We then went on to look at verse 14, which indicates that there are times when, even though we are zealously doing what is good, God, for His own good purposes, may still allow us to suffer. We also noticed that this statement, about the possibility that doers of good will suffer, is followed by an assurance of blessing for those who suffer for righteousness’ sake. We talked about why and how the person who suffers for righteousness might be blessed, paying close attention to the blessings mentioned in the immediate (vv. 15–16) and larger context of 1 Peter.
Having done this, we focused on God’s instructions in verses 14 through 16 about what we should and should not do when we experience hardships. We noted that verse 14 tells us what we shouldn’t do (what we should put off), reflecting specifically on Peter’s challenge not to allow people’s threats and abuses to intimidate us and cause us to be despondent. We then spent some time discussing verses 15 and 16, which provide the directions (the “put ons”) for overcoming the wrong, destructive responses in verse 14. According to Peter, we must put on right responses as well as put off wrong responses. In fact, his point is that we put off by putting on.
The word but, with which verse 15 begins, calls our attention to the fact that what he is about to say is vitally connected to what he has just said—namely, that instead of responding to stressors with fear and despair we should sanctify Christ as Lord in our hearts. That is, we should choose to see everything that happens to us within the framework of our Lord’s sovereignty. We explored together the implication of this, specifically that recognizing and understanding that our Savior is Christ and Lord is the antidote to being overcome by the stressors of life. I told Sally this means that, when we are called on to go through hard times, we must meditate on the fact that Christ is Lord of everything and everybody—that Christ is ruling, that He is still in control, and that He has all authority in heaven and on earth. I then asked her how all of this might apply to her experience of being mistreated and threatened by Susan. She made the connection. I explained to her that this means Christ has authority over Susan, and therefore Christ can restrain her. It means that Susan is not Lord and that Sally must not think of her in that way.
Furthermore, I stated that if and when she thought of Susan in this way, fear would control her. On the basis of this text, I told Sally that when she is tempted to allow fear to overcome her, she should deliberately at that moment reflect on the fact that Christ is Lord of all and that He is Lord of her. I admonished her to do several things: First, she must choose to see everything within the framework of the sovereignty of God. Second, she must deliberately choose to thank God for His power, His promises, and His watchful care over her. I told her that as she does this, she must remember that God is up to something in allowing her trial to happen; and, according to His Word, what He is up to is something that will ultimately be good for her and bring glory to Him (see Rom. 8:28; 11:36).
I urged her to think about what God may want to do in her and through her by means of the “Susanic stressor” (see James 1:2–4). Then, having exposited and applied the truth of 1 Peter 3:15, we moved on to note another thing God says we must do, in verse 16, if we would overcome the stressor of difficult circumstances. Instead of focusing exclusively on the horror of the situation, we should focus on doing good and making sure we behave in a God-pleasing way. In other words, the passage challenges us to bring our thoughts into subjection and make ourselves think about what God wants us to do and how God would have us to act, so that we might be a testimony for Him. In the context of our difficulties, we should be thinking about what it means to sanctify Christ as Lord.
As we face stressful situations, we should devote our attention to planning and doing good instead of thinking mainly about the horrific nature of the problem. In times like these, we should be proactive rather than reactive. We should be asking, “Lord, what would you have me to do? How can I show the glory of Christ in my responses to this wickedness?” That’s what Sally needed to hear in the midst of her stressful situation. What was presented to her was, and still is, God’s plan for handling the stressors of life. Should you be wondering what happened in reference to the Susan harassment issue, I’m glad to be able to say that, as Sally continued in her Christian life, Susan began to realize that her threats and attempts at intimidation were useless.
She backed off, and the attempts at intimidation ceased. Sally, I say, needed to hear these truths. So do you and I. Mark it down and accept it as fact: as long as you are in this world, you will encounter a variety of stressors. Furthermore, you may count on it that, as you face these stressors, you will be tempted to respond in an unbiblical way. Moreover, you can also be assured that when, in faith and belief, you follow the biblical procedure I presented to Sally, you will be able to overcome stress before it overcomes you.
OVERCOMING FACTOR #5
Over the years, I have met and counseled many people who were coming apart at the seams because they were unnecessarily putting themselves in a “stressor situation.” Some were doing this by trying to do too many things. Some were doing it by failing to schedule and plan. Some were doing it by going places they should not have gone, and some by associating with the wrong kind of people. Some were doing it by treating every need they encountered as though God had commanded them to fulfill it personally. Some were doing it out of fear that if they didn’t do something it wouldn’t get done, or certainly it wouldn’t be done well. Some were doing it because they wanted people to think well of them or because they were afraid to say no. Some were doing it because being busy and overloaded made them feel important.
The reasons people unnecessarily put themselves in potentially stressful situations may vary. If you feel pressured by the thought that you have too much to do, it would be helpful for you to practice some self-examination to discover the main reason for your stress. Ask yourself, “Am I being stressed out for any of the reasons just mentioned, or for any other reasons that weren’t even mentioned?” Then you should seek to discover God’s perspective on why you put yourself in an unnecessarily stressful situation and should follow that by making the changes that God would have you make. One thing is certain: God will never call on us to do more than we, by His grace, are able to do (see 2 Cor. 3:5–6; 9:8; Phil. 4:13; Col. 1:29).
The words that Jesus spoke in defense of a certain woman who was criticized by others for something she had done are extremely encouraging for all of us as we seek to live in this present world. In defending her, Jesus told her critics to leave her alone, because she had done what she could (see Mark 14:8). Those words of Jesus are extremely significant for us. They indicate that our Lord didn’t expect her to do what she couldn’t do, only what she was able to do. So it is with us. God expects us to do what we can—no more and no less. This we must learn if we are going to overcome stress.
For example, if we have interpersonal relationship pressures, our responsibility is, as far as it depends on us, to “be at peace with all men” (Rom. 12:18). We must “pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another” (Rom. 14:19). These things we must do—the things that are likely to facilitate peace with other people. Pursuing the things that make for peace means that husbands or wives who have serious conflicts with their spouses should consistently seek to implement the directives of 1 Peter 3:1–7. That’s their responsibility; that’s what they can do. However, what they cannot and should not do is try to make their spouses be at peace with them. If they think that they can and must fix the problem, they’re trying to do more than they can do and will end up being stressed out.
They must fulfill their God-directed responsibility and then rely on God to do what they can’t do. Similarly, if there are things that are not being done at work or at church, then people must learn to prioritize and schedule and to use their time wisely. They must work heartily in accordance with their priorities as unto the Lord and must not try to do more than they can or should do (see Eph. 6:5–9; Col. 3:23–25).
This means they must learn to say yes to the things they can and should do, and no to the things that are not their primary responsibilities. They must say no to the things they can’t presently do because of a lack of time or skill. Perhaps at another time they will be able to do these things, but not at the present time. Failure to plan their work according to priorities and to work their plan according to those priorities will certainly put them in an unnecessarily stressful situation.
OVERCOMING FACTOR #6
In my Homework Manual for Biblical Living, I mention that many times we become annoyed, angry, and resentful because we think that some right of ours is being denied. To overcome this propensity, I encourage people to discern which “rights” of yours are being denied or neglected in this situation. Do you think you have a right to be respected, and is that why you are becoming upset because your wife won’t fulfill your wishes? Do you think you have a right to be appreciated, and is that why you are becoming resentful toward someone who has criticized you or won’t express his indebtedness to you? Identify what you think you are being denied and then turn the matter over to God. You belong to Him. He knows what you really need (Phil. 4:19). Trust Him to take care of you. He knows what things you have need of even before you ask (Matt. 6:25–34). Believe that God is much wiser than you. He knows much better than you what you really need, and He will supply what you need if you handle matters His way.
Turning your rights over to God doesn’t mean you must become a doormat. It does not mean that you never make your desires known, or that you never oppose, rebuke, insist, exhort, or seek to correct a person. It does mean that you seek to do what you do in a Biblical, God-honoring fashion; for Biblical, God-honoring reasons; out of Biblical, God-honoring motives. It does mean that after you have done all that you may legitimately do, you leave the results with God and believe that He will bring to pass what is right and good for you. God’s promise is that they who fear Him and seek Him shall not lack any good thing (Ps. 34:8–10). You must fulfill your Biblical responsibilities and then leave your “rights” to God. When He gives them back to you, consider them to be privileges and thank Him for them.2 I once read the story of a man who was known as a great worrier.
When you met him, worry was written all over his face. Wherever he went, people would hear him complaining and groaning about this or that or the other thing. It seemed that nothing ever suited him. But then one day, when someone who hadn’t seen him for a while met him, he noticed that there was something different about this man. He was struck by the fact that this man wasn’t groaning, grumbling, or complaining. What he saw was a pleasant expression and a smile on his face. Immediately he recognized that this man had become quite different from the person he had known. So he asked him, “What’s happened to you?” The man responded that he had hired someone else to do his worrying for him. “How much does he charge for that service?” “About $200 a day” was his reply. “Wow, that’s great—but how can you afford to pay this person $200 a day? Why, that’s $1,400 a week!” “Oh,” said the man, “I can’t afford to pay him that amount—but I don’t worry about it at all, because that’s not my problem. That’s what I pay him to do; it’s his responsibility to do the worrying for me.” Well, my friends, that’s a fictitious story, but it has a real point for us as Christians: we’ve turned all our rights over to God.
As 1 Corinthians 6:19–20 tells us, we’re not our own. We have been bought with a price. We belong to Him, and He has said, “Don’t worry. You have a heavenly Father who knows all about your situation—who cares and has said that if you take care of fulfilling your God-given responsibilities, He’ll take care of your needs and rights” (see Ps. 34:8–10; Matt. 6:19–34; Phil. 4:19; Heb. 13:5–6; 1 Peter 5:7). At the beginning of this section on overcoming stress, I asserted that everyone who lives in this world will encounter stressors. They simply can’t be avoided. Therefore, if you are to overcome these stressors so that they don’t wreak havoc in your life and relationships, you must have a well-grounded biblical procedure that you will faithfully use whenever you face these stressors. In this book, I have presented what I’m convinced is a godly way of responding to the stressors of life. I’m convinced that this biblically based procedure will work when you use it. It will work because it’s based on biblical truth.
The question is not “Will it work?” The question is “Will you use it?” God grant that you and I will respond with a resounding “Yes!” If we do, we will become people who, in accordance with 1 Peter 3:15 and 16, cause others to wonder what makes us so different; we will cause people who reject our Christ and our Christian lifestyle to be put to shame. To God be the glory; great things He has done and great things He will do, as we love, trust, and obey Him.
— APPLICATION/DISCUSSION QUESTIONS —
In this chapter, some additional important biblical factors for overcoming stress before it overcomes you were laid out. What were they? Summarize the meaning of these factors. Explain why practicing these factors would help you or anyone else to overcome wrong responses to stress.
Identify which of these factors you regularly practice when tempted to be “stressed out.” Give examples of times and situations when you have practiced these factors. Explain the practical effect that practicing these factors had on your life at the time. Identify which of these factors you are most prone to neglect when feeling tempted to be stressed out.
Are there times when you overextend yourself and try to do too much? Are there things you are saying yes to that you shouldn’t be saying yes to? Do you operate your life, and use your time and energy, in keeping with God’s priorities for your life? What are God’s priorities for your life? Are there things you should change? If so, what? And what must you do to make those changes? When you think of the verbal picture of a Christian described in the beatitudes (see Matt. 5:1–12), which of them are you most concerned about developing more of in your life?
How could stressors help you to achieve this? • Which of your perceived rights are being denied when you respond wrongly to stressors? What improvements can you make in your response to the rights you are denied? What will you do to make the biblical truths found in this chapter—for overcoming stress before it overcomes you—more of a reality in your life? Identify someone you know who is experiencing a lot of stress and is succumbing to the temptation to respond in unbiblical ways. Identify the ungodly ways this person is responding and the destructive consequences he or she is experiencing. Identify the factors for overcoming stress, presented in this chapter, that this person is not practicing. How could you use this material to help this person, or anyone else, to change their way of responding?