Anger & Stress Management God’s Way

Many years ago, during the time of the Great Depression, the most crowd-pleasing gorilla in a certain zoo died. Well, since this happened during the depression, the money to purchase another animal was scarce. So the zoo managers decided to skin the dead gorilla and hire a man who would get in the skin and act like a gorilla. The man who was hired took his job seriously and, since he was very athletic, he developed many crowd-pleasing behaviors. He would grab hold of a bar that would allow him to swing back and forth while doing some spectacular movements.

Never before had people seen a gorilla who could rival the moves of an accomplished gymnast or trapeze artist. One of his most awe-inspiring performances involved swinging out over the lion’s cage located right next to the gorilla cage. He would swing over that cage, let go with one hand, and twirl in various directions while the lion below roared and tried to jump high enough to sink its teeth into his flesh. It was quite a show, and the crowd loved it. One day, however, while swinging out over the lion’s cage and performing his most awe-inspiring moves, he lost his grip on the bar and fell into the lion’s cage.

As the lion roared and came toward him, the man began to yell, “Help! Help! Somebody get me out of here.” To the surprise of everyone, especially the man in the gorilla skin, a voice came from the lion saying, “Shut up, you fool, or we’ll both lose our jobs.” At the point when the man inside that gorilla skin fell into the lion’s cage, he found himself in what we could call a very stressful situation. While we may never find ourselves in exactly the same situation, as long as we’re in this world we are frequently going to face a variety of stressors.

Some of the stressors may seem very minor, and some may seem as serious and dangerous as the man in our story supposed his situation to be. But whether they are extremely serious or relatively minor, all of us will encounter stressors throughout our lives. Regardless of age, education, social condition, gender, or economic status, everyone encounters stressful situations. They simply cannot be avoided. Jesus said, “In the world you will have tribulation” ( John 16:33 NKJV). The psalmist wrote that, even though we live a long life, the best of our years will be filled with struggle and turmoil (see Ps. 90:10). Job 5:7 reminds us that it’s just as certain that we will encounter troubles in our lives as it is that the sparks of a fire will fly upward.

Infants cry in distress. They get hungry, wet, tired, or lonely. Children may find going to school, doing their schoolwork, playing sports, or doing their chores stressful. Young people may find dating; trying out for the cheerleading squad, an athletic team, the band, or a choral group; asking someone out on a date; being rejected as a friend; selecting a college; taking their SATs; or choosing a mate to be a stressful experience. So on through every age of life, people face one challenge after another. The kinds of stressors may vary from person to person and from age to age, but the experience itself does not. No one can choose whether or not he or she will face stressors in life.

The only choice we have is how we will be affected by, and will respond to, those stressors. The real question is, how can we overcome the stressors of life before they overcome us? Helping us know how to overcome rather than be overcome is the purpose of this section of this book. To accomplish this, I will be presenting some key factors in winning, rather than losing, this war against stress.

THE SOURCES OF OUR STRESSORS

To overcome the stressors of life before they overcome us, it’s helpful for us to identify the sources of stressors we encounter. We will, in the words of James 1:2, encounter various kinds of trials (stressors). Some of the stressors may come from our environment or from circumstances in our lives. It rains when we’re planning to do something that can’t be done in the rain. The weather is too hot or too cold for us to be comfortable. We may live in an area where there are earthquakes or severe snowstorms, mudslides, or brush fires that threaten to consume our homes. We may be scheduled to be at a certain place at a particular time to speak.

We’re going by airplane, but the plane arrives late or has mechanical problems that cause the airline to cancel our flight. As a result, we don’t make it to the speaking engagement on time, which becomes a stressor for us and also for the people who have asked us to speak. Or we have an appointment to be someplace at 1:00 p.m. We leave in plenty of time, but we have a flat tire on the way. We try to change the tire as quickly as we can, but the lug nuts simply won’t come loose. So we have to call AAA for help that, of course, takes time and makes us late for the appointment.

Unpleasant events that we experience, such as things not going as well at work as we would like, a roof that begins to leak, a furnace that breaks down, a job loss, not getting the raise we were counting on, being involved in an automobile accident, or being involved in a business that fails, are all examples of stressors that come into our lives. These stressors often involve things over which we have no direct control.

The stressors that come to you from your environment may not be exactly the same as the ones I’ve just described, but I’m sure you get the picture. You know what I’m talking about, and you know how these things can put stress on you. Our Limitations and Deficiencies Some of the stressors in our lives come from our own limitations and inadequacies. You look around and see others who are more gifted than you. They have abilities that make it possible for them to do what you would like to be able to do but can’t.

Others seem to be doing a better job at what you are trying to do; they seem to be able to work longer, harder, and with more success than you do. Consequently, you find yourself asking, What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be as successful or productive as they are? You can’t remember names or facts or procedures, and you find yourself being embarrassed by your lack of memory. You see all the work you have to do and wonder how in the world you’re going to be able to get it done in a timely fashion.

You read Scripture and can’t seem to make sense out of it, but then someone else comes along and sees things in the passage that you never imagined were there. You know that you ought to be a witness for Christ, but when you’re with people, you don’t know what to say or how to go about it. You want to be a good family leader and influence your family for Christ, but when it comes to leading in devotions or being a good family manager, you judge yourself to be extremely inept.

You compare yourself to what others around you are doing and you find yourself weighed in the balances and coming up short. Why, you even compare yourself to what you used to be able to do and are disappointed in what you find happening. You come to the conclusion that you’re going in the wrong direction and losing ground in terms of your own personal progress. A number of years ago, my wife and I had our fourth child when we were thirty-nine years of age. Joshua was born eight years after our third child. We discovered that eight years had made a difference in what we could physically do.

At thirty-nine, my wife wasn’t what you would call old, but childbirth at thirty-nine took more out of her than the previous ones had. People would ask us, “Is it more difficult for you to get down and play with Joshua than it was with your other children?” We responded, “No, it’s not more difficult to get down, but it surely is a lot more difficult to get up!” The point I’m making with all of this is that the aging process and the implications thereof can be sources of stress even if you don’t have a child at thirty-nine.

An interaction I had while counseling a depressed sixty-year-old woman illustrates how the changes that occur as people become older can be a stressor. This woman complained that she was experiencing depression because she wasn’t able to accomplish as much as she had previously been able to accomplish. I asked her, “What are you not able to do that you previously had been able to do?” She answered, “Oh, many things. I just don’t seem to be able to get anything done.” Since her answer was so general, I gave her homework assignments that would give me some specific information about what was really going on in her life. I had her keep a daily journal of what she did during the day. At the next session, when I perused the journal she gave to me, I noticed that she was very active and, from my perspective, seemed to be accomplishing a lot.

When I mentioned that to her, she responded, “Yes, but I used to be able to do a lot more.” I said to her, “As you grow older, you can’t expect to have the same energy and physical strength that you had when you were younger.” I surmised by watching her facial expression as I spoke those words to her that she didn’t like what I had said. I was right, because I had no sooner finished speaking than she retorted, “I’m not old, and I don’t want to grow old.” I allowed her to finish her statement, and then I gently responded, “You may not want to grow old, but whether you like it or not, you are going to grow old.

You’d better learn to accept that fact and rejoice in the benefits of older age rather than fighting it. If you don’t, you’re going to be miserable for the rest of your life. And besides that, why does it bother you to be getting older? What is it that makes you dislike getting older so much?” This woman was being overcome by the stress of her own perceived limitations. She is not alone in this regard. In one way or another, every one of us will experience stressors that come to us from our own limitations and deficiencies as we go through life—deficiencies that may be intellectual, physical, social, financial, relational, or spiritual.

At every age, our own limitations and deficiencies can become stressors in our lives. Other People There’s a story about two porcupines that were living close to each other in Alaska. One winter, when the weather was especially cold, they got the idea that maybe if they huddled together they could keep each other warm. They agreed to try it, but soon decided it wasn’t such a good idea after all. They discovered that, as they tried to huddle together, they were needling each other rather than warming each other.

That story illustrates what often happens in our relationships with people. It seems that the closer we get to people, the more we get needled. What often happens is summed up in the little quip that says, “Oh, to dwell there above with the saints that we love, that will be glory. But to dwell here below with the saints that we know, that’s another story.” When a certain person came home from church one Sunday morning, he said to his mother, “Mother, I’m never going back to that church again.” His mother replied, “Son, tell me why you’re never going back to that church again.” “I’m never going back there again because it’s impossible to get along with those people. They don’t listen to me. They don’t care about me. They just aren’t very nice.” “Well, son,” the mother responded, “you are going back to that church, and I’ll give you two reasons why. First, you’re going back because you’re forty years old, and second, you’re going back because you’re the pastor.”

The aforementioned pastor was learning that getting along with people can be a real challenge. The truth is that our relationships with people can be a great source of joy, and they can also be a great source of heartache. As we go through life, we can count on the fact that we will experience stressors in our lives, and we can also be sure that many of those stressors will have something to do with people. Obviously God knows this, and that is why there is so much in the Bible about the importance and difficulty of maintaining good relationships with people.

Good relationships don’t just happen automatically; they require a lot of work to achieve and sustain. John Trapp, the Puritan preacher and commentator, was right when he said that it’s as unlikely that you could put two sinners together and not have some conflicts as it is that you could strike two pieces of flint together and not have some sparks.1 According to Jesus, peace with people is not something that happens automatically; it’s something we must endeavor to make (see Matt. 5:9).

According to the apostle Paul, we must be diligent and put forth a lot of effort if we’re going to preserve unity with people (see Eph. 4:3). In James 1:2, we are reminded that in life we’re going to face many different kinds of trials (stressors). The rest of the book of James makes it clear that the source of many of these trials will involve getting along with other people. Understanding that we will face stressors as we travel life’s journey, and knowing what the sources of these stressors will most likely be, can be very helpful in properly handling those trials when they do come.

TYPICAL RESPONSES TO THE STRESSORS OF LIFE

Identifying the wrong ways that we are prone to respond to the stressors we encounter in life can help us to avoid these wrong, ungodly, and destructive responses. The old saying that “to be forewarned is to be forearmed” has a ring of truth to it. Being forewarned isn’t all that’s necessary to get the job done, but it can be useful. Knowing how we are prone to respond may help us to be alert and on guard against these wrong responses. Jesus indicates that being on the alert and watching is an important part of resisting temptation (see Matt. 26:41).

Debilitating Fear or Anxiety One of these wrong responses that we must be on guard against is debilitating fear. One person I know is extremely afraid of storms. She lives in constant fear of thunder and lightning. When a storm comes, she is paralyzed by it, and when it’s not storming, she lives in fear that a storm might come. Having lived in California, I know that there are people who live in constant fear that there might be another earthquake or that California may drop off into the ocean.

I know people who will not visit California because they’re afraid that while they’re there an earthquake might occur, and others who have moved out of California because of their fear of earthquakes. Having also lived in Pennsylvania, which can be quite cold and snowy in the wintertime, I’ve met people who are constantly complaining about how horrible it is to live in such a place. They dread the cold and snow and are constantly talking about how nice it would be to live elsewhere. Some people’s fear may begin with something specific, such as being in a crowd, but eventually their lives are inhibited by a pervasive fear of many different things: that they might lose their jobs or get sick, or that something horrible will happen to them or their families.

Some people fear that an endeavor in which they’re involved may fail, or that they might be rejected or make fools out of themselves. Fear of people causes some to withdraw from people or activities; it causes them to be nervous when in the presence of people who are physically beautiful or who have a high position, a lot of money, or intelligence and knowledge. Fear can take many forms (I’ve only mentioned a few), but regardless of what form it takes, it’s inhibiting. Inordinate, debilitating fear is a wrong response to the stressors of life.

Scripture, of course, is right on target when it tells us that fear brings a snare and brings punishment and torment (see Prov. 29:25; 1 John 4:18). According to Scripture, fear that keeps us from living the kind of life God wants us to live is unnecessary and extremely destructive. In numerous places, God commands us not to fear and tells us why there are no justifiable reasons for this debilitating fear response to the stressors of life (e.g., Prov. 18:10; Isa. 41:10; 1 John 4:18–19). Worry or Anxiety Closely connected to the response of debilitating fear is the response of anxiety, or what is more commonly called worry.

Worry usually focuses on what may happen if something does or doesn’t occur (see Matt. 6:34). However, it’s not limited to an inordinate concern about the future; it can also be a response to what has happened or is happening. A person worries when thoughts about the past, present, or future consume and constrain that person in some way. Worry is usually associated with something that appears threatening, something that you perceive may harm your safety, something that you would like to control but are overly concerned that you can’t control. You don’t worry about something that you don’t consider to be a threat to any of the things I’ve just mentioned.

Worry always carries with it the idea that you, or someone you care about, may be harmed by whatever it is you are worrying about. There is such a thing as eustress (good stress) that is productive and positive; but worry bleeds over into distress (bad stress) that is counterproductive and negative. Unfortunately, the lives of some people can be summarized in three words: “hurry, worry, and bury.” All too often, people live a lifestyle in which anxiety is their habitual way of responding to the stressors they face. This, of course, is a wrong response to stressors—the Bible not only tells us frequently not to worry, but also encourages us with the good news that we can experience a peace that passes understanding (see Matt. 6:25–34; John 14:1–27; Phil. 4:6–7).

Bitterness, Anger, and Resentment Bitterness, anger, and resentment are more common, ungodly ways of handling the various stressors we encounter in life. In my counseling ministry, I have frequently seen these responses played out in marriage relationships. This, for example, is the way many women respond when their husbands won’t communicate with them in the way they desire or won’t do something they want them to do. Likewise, this is the way some men habitually respond to their wives or children, or to anyone else, when they’re not pleased with the treatment they’re getting. With these men or women, it’s “You do it my way, when I want you to do it and how I want you to do it, or you’re in trouble!”

The Bible contains examples of many people who responded to the stressors that they encountered in this way. The book of 1 Samuel describes how Saul responded in a similar way to his son Jonathan and his friend, David. Genesis 4 tells us that Cain responded this way to God and to his brother Abel. Genesis 27 gives us an illustration of this kind of response in the case of Esau and his brother, Jacob. Even the great prophet Jonah handled the pressure of unfulfilled desires and unwanted circumstances by becoming angry (see Jonah 4). Many passages of Scripture speak clearly about the error of this response. Here is a sampling: Let all [not some, but all] bitterness and wrath and anger . . . be put away from you, along with all malice.

(Eph. 4:31) Let your forbearing spirit be known to all [not some, but all] men. (Phil. 4:5)2 But now you also, put them all [not some, but all] aside: anger, wrath [including resentment], malice . . . (Col. 3:8) Depression and Discouragement As noted previously, Cain in the Bible not only illustrates that anger is a very common response to stressors; but, in addition to that, he illustrates that depression, gloom, or discontentment are also common responses to stressors. Scripture says he became angry and his countenance fell (i.e., “he became very depressed”). His disappointment, depression, and dissatisfaction over not getting his own way was so great that it manifested itself on his face and in his demeanor (see Gen. 4:5–7).

First Kings 21 indicates that when circumstances didn’t work out the way that Ahab desired, he was very vexed. In fact, he was so upset, so disappointed because of what did and didn’t happen, that he went home, went up to his bedroom, crawled into his bed, turned his face to the wall, and refused to eat. Never mind that he had kingly responsibilities—he decided instead to be childish and petulant. In doing this, albeit to an extreme, Ahab typified a very common response to the stressors of life. In contrast to this way of handling stress, the Bible says, Finally, my brethren, rejoice in the Lord. (Phil. 3:1) Rejoice in the Lord always [not just occasionally, but always]. (Phil. 4:4) Rejoice always. (1 Thess. 5:16) If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content. (1 Tim. 6:8) Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have. (Heb. 13:5 ESV)

Envy and Jealousy Going back to the Cain illustration, we note another very typical, ungodly response to the stressors we encounter. Cain was angry, despondent, miserable, and unhappy; he was also very envious and jealous of his brother. His brother had received something that Cain wanted very badly. Abel had been approved, accepted, recognized, and rewarded while Cain had not. Instead of rejoicing at his brother’s good fortune or learning from his brother’s example, Cain’s jealousy caused him to lash out in vengeance against his brother (as Proverbs 6:34 warns). Thus, Cain’s response to the stressor of seeing his brother honored above himself becomes a vivid illustration of the truth of Proverbs 27:4: “Wrath is fierce and anger is a flood, but who can stand before jealousy?” In 3 John, Diotrephes functioned in the same way—to see others honored and respected was a stressful situation for him. He couldn’t stand it when the early Christians showed respect to the apostle John and to other early church leaders. Because of his jealousy, he refused to accept anything they said and openly attacked them, making wicked and slanderous accusations.

What’s more, he exercised unreasonable authority by forbidding others to have anything to do with John and other church leaders (see vv. 9–10). The first chapter of Philippians refers to men in the early church who were jealous of the respect that Paul received from other Christians (see vv. 15, 17). For them, it was extremely stressful to see the concern and appreciation that many in the early church had for Paul and his ministry. Their jealousy was so strong that they actually tried to make things worse for Paul, who was already in prison for his commitment to Christ. Somehow, they thought, by making things worse for Paul, things would be better for them.

I wonder what is going through your mind as you read these jealous responses that the people gave to their stressors. You might say, “How could they be that selfish and ungodly?” Do you say, “Thank you, Lord, that I’m not like these people”? Or do you recognize that you have at times reacted, or been tempted to react, to the successes of others in a somewhat similar way? Honesty would compel many of us to admit that we have not done enough rejoicing with those who rejoice (see Rom. 12:15) and that we have not always been devoted to others in brotherly love or preferred to honor others above ourselves (see Rom. 12:10).

Who of us can say that we have done nothing out of selfishness and vain conceit, and that in humility of mind we have always esteemed others as more important than ourselves (see Phil. 2:3)? Annoyance, Irritability, and Impatience When we are in pressure situations, the ungodly responses of choice for many of us are irritability, annoyance, or impatience, which are expressed on our faces and in our words and actions. When under pressure, we may be brusque, curt, insensitive, and inconsiderate of the feelings of other people. We may have a tendency to respond in the way Martha did when under pressure, as described in Luke 10:38–42—by being pushy, demanding, brusque, somewhat rude, and unjustly accusatory.

This was the way the elder brother handled the stressor that he was experiencing at the return of his younger brother. On this occasion, he lashed out at his father and made some very unkind and untrue remarks. In that moment he had no regard for how his words and actions would impact his father or brother. He was irritated, and he just let loose and lambasted his father. I must admit that on occasion I’m tempted to respond to stressors in an impatient manner. I’ve analyzed when and with whom this is most likely to occur.

From my analysis, I’ve discerned that I’m most likely to become impatient when demands are made on me that I think are unrealistic, or when I have too much to do. When others have expectations of me that I simply can’t fulfill, I wonder how I’m going to get it all done, and so I start to become impatient if people interrupt me while I’m doing something I think is important and needs to get done, misrepresent what I have done or said, or ask questions to which the answers are obvious. Experience has taught me that I’m not tempted to respond this way with everyone, but only with certain people. In particular, I have identified who those people are, and even the kind of people with whom I have the most trouble being patient.

For me, understanding the dynamics of my impatience has been helpful in my sanctification process, as I develop more godly responses to the stressors in my life. Being forewarned of the possibility of this happening has encouraged me to be forearmed against it happening. Being aware of the identity of the people against whom I may react this way helps me to prevent it from occurring. It has also promoted an increased alertness and sensitivity to my sin, which facilitates a more speedy confession to God and to anyone who happens to be on the receiving end of my impatience. Denial and Pretense Through studying Scripture and working with people (including myself ) for many years, I’ve noticed that they often practice denial in their response to stressors.

That is, they deny the fact that something is bothering them, even if it is. They pretend that everything is okay with them, when in reality it’s not. Since God knows that people respond this way, we could expect that this response would be mentioned in Scripture—and it is! For example, in Proverbs 26:23–28 we find a description of people who have fervent lips (lips that burn with positive, agreeable, pleasant words to your face), while on the inside these people have an evil heart. Still further, this passage refers to people who speak graciously; but, while everything seems to be fine outwardly, inwardly they have seven abominations in their hearts.

According to the text, these people cover what is really going on in their hearts with deception—they flatter people with their mouths while hating them in their hearts. Matthew 23:27 mentions people who outwardly appear righteous but inwardly are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness. Luke 11:39 presents the same picture, referring to people who are clean on the outside but full of greed and wickedness on the inside. Psalm 28:3 is talking about the same common phenomenon when it tells us that some people speak outwardly about peace, while evil—hatred, malice, resentment, a desire to hurt and harm—is in their hearts.

The admonition of Ephesians 4:25 to put away falsehood and speak the truth with others would certainly include the practice of pretending that everything is all right when it really isn’t. Denial to the Lord, to yourself, or to other people is a form of falsehood; it’s a failure to speak the truth. It’s an ungodly and unhelpful way of responding to the stressors of life, and it must be changed. As mentioned earlier, pouring out wicked words and performing malicious actions are wrong ways of responding to stressors—but then, so is the practice of denial.

Denying that you are disturbed doesn’t make the problem go away any more than exploding at it does. Recognizing and admitting that you are being affected by what’s happening, and learning how to appropriately respond to stressors, is the biblical way of overcoming stress before it overcomes you. In a future chapter I will discuss a specific procedure, but for now let us review and seek to apply what has been written in this chapter. We have noted two important factors in overcoming stress before it overcomes us:

First, I have noted that if we want to overcome stress before it overcomes us, we should be aware of the different kinds of stressors we are most apt to experience. Second, I have stated that to overcome stress, we should identify the particular sinful ways in which we are most prone to respond to the stressors we encounter and should be on guard against them. Additionally, by implication, I have also suggested that we should analyze our own lives to determine which of the sinful responses we are most prone to practice.

Doing this analysis would involve
(1) identifying when we are most apt to respond in an ungodly manner,
(2) discovering with whom it’s most likely to occur, and
(3) quickly seeking God’s forgiveness and the forgiveness of others when we respond in this unbiblical way. —

APPLICATION QUESTIONS — Identify some of the most common sources of stress in the lives of people. In what ways can (or does) our environment become a circumstantial cause of our stress? In what ways can (or do) our own limitations become a circumstantial cause of our stress?

In what ways can (or do) other people become a circumstantial cause of our stress?
In what ways can (or do) past or future events become a circumstantial cause of our stress?

Identify which of these common sources of stress are most problematic to you. How would the Bible describe the main reasons we get stressed out? What are the various wrong (unbiblical) ways that people respond to stressful circumstances?

Besides the wrong responses mentioned in this chapter, what other wrong responses to stress have you observed people using? To which of these unbiblical ways of responding to potentially stressful circumstances are you most prone? What were the most important, challenging, and convicting truths that you took from this chapter?