Anger & Stress Management God’s Way
SIX QUESTIONS THAT CAN MAKE THE DIFFERENCE
Chapter 4
In the last chapter, we talked about the importance of harnessing the energy created by anger and making it a positive force in your life and relationships. We emphasized that, for believers, this can be done. Jesus did it, Paul did it, Nehemiah did it, and so can you and I. According to the Bible, we can “be angry, and yet . . . not sin” (Eph. 4:26). I closed the chapter by stating that, in this chapter, I would describe a biblically based procedure for helping you to be good and angry.
Here are my suggestions for accomplishing that very thing. When we find ourselves becoming angry, we can turn that anger into a constructive rather than a destructive force by stopping and asking ourselves the following six questions.
First, What is happening? We should assess the situation—accurately identify the occasion and admit the presence of our sinful anger. For example, consider again the man driving home to a house littered with toys and bikes. When he feels his anger building, he should stop and ask himself what is happening. Things are not going the way I wanted them to.
There are toys on the lawn and bicycles in the driveway, and I’m letting it bother me. Or consider a situation in which someone has agreed to help you and you’re counting on his help, but he fails to show up and never takes the time to call and tell you that he won’t make it. You must do whatever you were planning to do, but you can’t do it without his help. So you start to get annoyed. That’s the circumstance. What should you do? Should you pretend that you’re not upset?
Should you deny that it bothers you? No—to do this would be to lie to yourself and possibly to others as well. In keeping with Scripture, you should put away lying and speak truth to yourself and to the Lord (see Eph. 4:25). Be honest about what is going on; don’t play games! Certainly you should remember that it’s a foolish thing to have your temper control you rather than controlling it yourself. Scripture says that you should hold your anger back (see Prov. 29:11).
You should reflect on the fact that “a man who has no control over his spirit” is “like a city that is broken into and without walls” (Prov. 25:28) and that it’s important for you to rule your spirit (Prov. 16:32) rather than be ruled by your spirit. But to rule your spirit (your emotions) you must first admit to yourself and to God that you are being disturbed.
Second, go on to answer the following set of questions: What are my thoughts about what is happening? Am I interpreting what is happening or not happening through a biblical grid, or am I leaning on my own understanding? Am I bringing my every thought into captivity and making myself think the way God would have me think?
(See Prov. 3:5–6; Rom. 12:2; 2 Cor. 10:1–5; Phil. 4:8.) Here are a few typical examples of unbiblical ways to interpret situations, which must be replaced with godly, biblical thoughts if you are to overcome sinful anger: “I deserve much more than I’m getting.” “If she had only listened to me.” “I’m going to be late, and it’s a horrible thing to be late.” “I told her what I wanted, and she’s not cooperating. She is so selfish.” “That person totally misrepresented what I said or did.” “After all I’ve done, this is what I get.” “I deserve the praise or recognition more than the person who got it does.” “No matter what I do, it’s just not good enough.” “My husband is never satisfied.” “No one ever pays any attention to me.” “No one cares what happens to me.” “People are always taking advantage of me.” “I’m always the one who has to give in or do the dirty work.” “She never wants to do what I want to do. She always has to have her own way.” “I’m always thinking about how I can please him, but he never thinks about what would please me.”
Third, answer this set of questions: What do I want that I’m not getting, or what am I getting that I don’t want? What compelling desires of mine are driving me, ruling me, demanding to be fulfilled? What compelling desires of mine are being thwarted? Am I being motivated by the love of God or the love of self? Am I being controlled by a desire to please and glorify God or a desire to please and glorify self? What desires of mine have become demands? What wants of mine have become must-have, can’t-live-without desires? (See Jer. 45:5; Matt. 6:33; 1 Cor. 10:31; 2 Cor. 5:9; Phil. 1:20–21;
Col. 3:1–3.) Here are some typical unbiblical desires that must be replaced with godly, biblical desires if you are to overcome sinful anger: “I must have respect.” “I must have recognition.” “I must be happy.” “I must have a life that is free from pain and difficulty.” “I must have my own way, and I’m not getting it.” “I must have people do what I want them to.” “I must be safe and secure.” “I must be as important as . . .” “I must be the best and be treated as though I were the best.” “I must have people praise me.” “I must succeed.” “I deserve to have a life that is free from criticism or opposition.” “I must have people think that I’m intelligent and witty.” “I must have people agree with me or else I’m a failure.” “I must have children who . . .” “I must have a mate who . . .”
Fourth, having answered this set of questions, go on to answer the question, Right now, what am I being tempted to do? Here are some very typical ways that people are tempted to, and actually do, respond when things don’t go the way they want them to, or when they don’t get what they think they deserve or must have: “I’m tempted to lash out, to yell, to withdraw, to give someone a piece of my mind.” “I’m tempted to pout and sulk.” “I’m tempted to run away or quit.” “I’m tempted to brood and fret and nurse my wounds.” “I’m tempted to be irritable and to let someone know I’m annoyed.” “I’m tempted to be malicious and hurt someone.” “I’m tempted to take drugs and turn to alcohol.” “I’m tempted to be stubborn and uncooperative.” “I’m tempted to punish or dominate someone who is standing in my way, is not agreeing with me, or is not cooperating.” “I’m tempted to get revenge; to retaliate; to render railing for railing, accusation for accusation, insult for insult.” “I’m tempted to be pushy and overbearing.” “I’m tempted to be bitter and hold a grudge.”
Fifth, in order to rule your emotions and respond in a godly way when things don’t go the way you would like, it’s crucial for you to answer the following questions: How do my thoughts and intentions and potential response to the circumstances I’m confronting line up with Scripture? What would be the biblical, God-honoring response to this situation? How would God want me to think about and respond to this situation? What would be a scriptural, godly, Christlike way of reacting to what is occurring? To overcome sinful anger, you must determine what would be the godly response.
Study the Scripture and memorize and meditate on verses that delineate a biblical, constructive response to what could be an anger-facilitating circumstance. Think carefully about the kind of response that would please God. Remember, we are transformed by the renewing of our minds (see Rom. 12:2; Eph. 4:23), and the right use of Scripture will keep us from sin (see Ps. 119:9, 11). Fill your mind with relevant scriptural thoughts about the way you should respond to what is happening. Here are a few examples of what you might do to develop a biblical response to undesirable, unpleasant, difficult circumstances. When confronted by unpleasant, potentially irritating circumstances, you might stop and say to yourself, “God says that I’m always to act in a loving manner (see John 13:34–35; 1 Cor. 13:4–8; 16:14).
What is love? Well, Scripture says that love is long-suffering and kind. Love isn’t jealous or proud. Love isn’t provoked. Love doesn’t vaunt itself; it doesn’t act unbecomingly; it doesn’t seek its own; it doesn’t take account of a wrong suffered. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things. God says, ‘The fruit of the Spirit is love’ (Gal. 5:22). So I must purpose to love in the way God wants me to love and ask Him for help to do so.
What would be the loving thing to do in this situation? How can I show my love for God and others at this time?” Furthermore, you might say to yourself, “God wants me to be wise in the way I handle what is happening. Scripture says that a wise man is slow to anger and that it is his glory to pass by transgression (see Prov. 19:11). God’s Word tells me that I should let His Word dwell in me richly and that I should ask Him for insight and understanding so that I might have wisdom and act wisely, rather than sinfully and foolishly (see Prov. 2:1–5; Eph. 5:15–17; Col. 3:16; James 1:5).
So I must think through the truths presented in these passages about how to handle opposition and difficulties, and I must seek God’s help to respond to them in a biblical way. I must stop and ask, What is the wise thing to do in this situation? How can I avoid doing what is foolish and make the most out of an undesirable situation?” From there, you might proceed to remind yourself of the following biblical truths.
You might remind yourself that God says, “The servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle” (2 Tim. 2:24–25 KJV). You might meditate on the fact that God’s Word admonishes us to walk worthy of the calling with which we have been called with all humility, all patience, all gentleness and forbearance (see Eph. 4:1–2). You might call to mind the scriptural exhortation about being forbearing with all men and at all times (see Phil. 4:5). You might find help in reflecting on the biblical commands about blessing when you are cursed, about returning good for evil, about counting it all joy when you encounter various kinds of trials (see Matt. 5:43; Rom. 12:17–21; James 1:2–4; 1 Peter 3:9–12).
Then, having filled your mind with God’s perspectives, you should purpose to respond to what is happening to you in the way described in these verses and should ask God for help to actually do this. You should ask yourself, “What would be the gentle, humble, forbearing way of responding to what I’m experiencing? What would be the returning-good-for-evil approach to this situation? What would be the God-honoring way of handling what has occurred?”
Sixth, finally, you should ask yourself, What will I choose to do at this time? Will I choose to obey God or self? Will I do God’s will and please Him, or will I do my will and please myself? Scripture makes it clear that, if you’re a real Christian, you don’t need to continue to respond to your difficulties in an angry, sinful, or destructive manner. For those of us who are in Christ, sin is no longer our master and lord. We don’t have to let sin reign in our mortal bodies that we should obey its lusts (desires). We have been freed from the controlling power of sin and have become slaves of righteousness (see Rom. 6:12–20). We are now able to put off the old man and put on the new man with godly ways of living and handling the problems of life (see Eph. 4:22–24).
We can now become trained for the purpose of godliness (see 1 Tim. 4:7). We can now deny ungodliness and worldly desires and can live soberly, righteously, and godly (see Titus 2:12). We can now, by the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit, put to death the deeds of the body (which includes sinful anger) and live in a godly and righteous manner (see Rom. 8:1–13). What do all these wonderful truths have to do with overcoming sinful anger? Simple answer: everything! More expansive answer: if people who are Christians continue to be overcome by sinful anger rather than overcoming sinful anger, they do so because they’re not choosing to use the resources that God has provided for becoming a godly person (Rom. 6:12–22).
Developing and expressing sinful anger is not something that has to continue to occur. You can choose to follow the biblical procedure I have outlined in this chapter and learn new ways of handling the challenges of life. The choice is up to you. If this doesn’t happen, it’s not God’s fault, nor is it someone else’s fault, nor is it the fault of your circumstances. Ultimately, God’s Word would say it’s your fault. You must choose to obey God rather than yourself. You must choose to practice responding the right way until you are trained in righteousness (see Eph. 4:22–24; 1 Tim. 4:7; 2 Tim. 3:16).
Many Christians are like the orange juice that is sitting in our refrigerator. My wife and I sometimes squeeze the juice out of oranges in the evening, add a little water to it, and then put it in the refrigerator to be used in the morning. During the night, however, the good stuff settles to the bottom. So, if we pour out some orange juice without shaking it up or stirring it first, all we get is orange water. That orange juice is an illustration of what happens with many Christians. They have some basic knowledge of Scripture in their minds, and yet they seem to live as though they don’t know the truths of God’s Word at all. When a conflict arises or an unpleasant circumstance occurs, they respond in ways that are contrary to the things they claim to know and believe about godly living.
The good stuff is in them, but it’s all settled to the bottom; it’s not what is gripping and holding and influencing their minds and lives. So they respond to difficulties in the same way that unbelievers do: with sinful, destructive expressions of anger. To overcome this tendency, Christians need to be constantly stirring up the good stuff—the Word of God—that is in their minds, so that when the difficult times come they’re prepared to respond in a godly way. How do we go about stirring up the good stuff? Part of what we need to do is regularly read, study, and memorize God’s Word.
Part of the stirring process will also involve regularly listening to good, expository, practical teaching of the Bible. However, though doing these things is necessary and excellent, it’s only a start. To really be good and angry, we need to do even more: we also must apply the things that we have learned to our lives day by day. “But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does” ( James 1:25). In fact, if we fail to do this, God says, “Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin” ( James 4:17). As we learn God’s commands more and more, we are responsible to obey more and more as well.
One very helpful way of making sure that we actually apply and rightly use God’s Word in the existential situations of life is to commit ourselves to using the questions we’ve just mentioned to analyze and direct our emotions and behavior in circumstances that may facilitate the development and expression of sinful anger. We need to have a plan and be committed to following that plan at strategic moments in our lives. Most people lose their battles with anger because they go into those battles unprepared.
Let’s learn how to overcome sinful anger from the example of Joseph in the book of Genesis. Joseph knew ahead of time that a horrible famine was going to occur in seven years. So what did he do? Did he wait until the famine occurred to decide what to do? No; he knew it was coming, and for seven years he got ready. Long before the problem arose, he made a plan and then committed himself to following that plan. As a result, he and others were not overcome by the unpleasant event. That’s what we need to do in our battle with anger. As long as we live in this world, we know that unpleasant events are going to occur; we know we’re going to face many difficulties.
Many stressful situations in which we could become sinfully angry are going to come into our lives. Count on it; this will happen again and again. We can be absolutely certain that, just as surely as the famine came to Egypt, we will face circumstances that will tempt us to become sinfully angry. Moreover, we can also be certain that if we, like Joseph, have a plan and use that plan for handling those occurrences, we can learn to respond to them in a godly, constructive way. Romans 12:17 says to “respect what is right in the sight of all men.” The Greek word translated respect really means that we should plan ahead to do what is right. We cannot just expect to do right; we must make a plan to do what is right.
We need to think through as many different situations as we can ahead of time and plan our responses. “If my spouse does such and such, and I start to become angry, this is what I am going to do. If my children do such and such, and I’m tempted to become angry, this is what I’m going to do.” To be good and angry, we must make plans and then practice those plans. When we get up in the morning, we need to start the day by asking God for help. “Lord, I need your help today. I want to change in this area of my life and be more like Jesus Christ. I now have a plan, and today, with your help, I want to put my plan into action.”
Then, as we go through our day, we should take time to stop and evaluate our progress. How did the morning go? “I did fine with my spouse this morning, but I failed when my boss made that comment in our morning meeting.” When you’ve identified your failure, ask God for forgiveness (see 1 John 1:9). Then you should review and answer the six questions we’ve previously mentioned and commit yourself to handling the challenges of the afternoon in a more biblical way. In the evening, stop and review again. Ask God’s forgiveness for failures, review and answer the six questions for every failure, and recommit yourself to a biblical approach. Follow the same process during the next day and the next and the next.
Review, evaluate, and ask for help and forgiveness. Follow this pattern of putting the plan into practice, day after day, until the pattern becomes a new habit of response. In so doing, you will be training yourself for the purpose of godliness and righteousness (see 1 Tim. 4:7; 2 Tim. 3:16). You will be putting off your old manner of life, which is corrupt, and putting on the new manner of life that is righteous and holy (see Eph. 4:22–24). It will take time to develop this new habit, of course; perhaps much time—probably anywhere from eight to twenty-four weeks of consistent practice.
Our bad, unbiblical habits are often slowly changed and exchanged for righteous patterns of living as we renew our minds in God’s Word and put God’s Word into practice in our lives. You and I don’t have to be angry, hostile people. God’s Word says we can change, but it also tells us that change will occur only as we exercise ourselves for the purpose of godliness (see Phil. 2:12; 1 Tim. 4:7). Some time ago, a man came to me seeking counseling. When I asked him why he had come, he responded, “I have lost my temper and physically abused my wife on many occasions.”
His anger problem was so serious that the last time it had happened, the neighbors called the police. When the police came, he attacked them and was then sent to jail. While in jail, he began to do some serious thinking about his life, his relationship with his wife and other people, and even his relationship with God. A Christian friend (who had witnessed to him before) came to visit him and shared the gospel with him again. By God’s grace, this time he heard, was convicted of his sin by the Holy Spirit, and began to want to be forgiven—as well as to change his manner of life.
When he was released from jail, his Christian friend encouraged him to seek biblical counseling. He called our counseling center and made an appointment to meet with me. When he first came for counseling, he was separated from his wife. In fact, initially there was a restraining order against him preventing him from seeing his wife at all. As we worked together, God began to change this man through the knowledge and power of His Word. He freely acknowledged and repented of his sin and turned to Christ to receive forgiveness.
He committed himself to the lordship of Christ and began to develop a love for God’s Word, a love for prayer, and a willingness to obey Christ in his life. He became a new creation in Christ, and many of the old things began to pass away and were replaced with the new things of the Christian life. During the time I counseled this man, I taught him the same basic truths about anger that are found in these chapters. The man embraced these truths and began to faithfully practice the procedure I have described in this chapter. After several weeks of counseling, the restraining order was lifted and he was allowed to see his wife again.
Then, some time after this happened, his wife began to come with him for counseling. It was then my privilege to counsel them together over a period of several months. As we counseled, his way of handling pressures began to change dramatically in his relationships with other people, and especially with his wife. Instead of responding to his wife with sinful anger, he began to communicate with her in a godly, respectful way. They began to talk through their problems. At that time, they were faced with many trying circumstances such as changing his job, selling their home, getting a new mortgage, and facing the embarrassment of the police incident being reported in the local paper.
All these things put enormous pressure on them as individuals and on their marriage. God brought these things into this man’s life and marriage to test him—to see if he was really serious about his new faith (see James 1:2–4; 1 Peter 1:6–7). It was a joy for me to see how the Lord worked in this man’s life through His Word. We used the several questions that I gave earlier in this chapter to help him respond to the pressures of life in a godly way. Though his years of sinful habits were difficult to replace with new patterns, this man was able to put these questions to use in his life.
Regularly, as he faced occasions to which he would have previously responded in sinful ways, he practiced asking himself the questions: What is happening? What are my thoughts about this situation? What am I not getting that I would like to get, and what am I getting that I don’t want? What am I tempted to do? What would be the biblical and God-honoring response in this situation? What will I choose to do at this time? Will I obey God or self? Will I do God’s will and please Him, or will I do my will and please myself?
I asked him to keep a journal in which he could record the answers to those questions on a daily basis. He did that faithfully, and when he came in for his weekly counseling session, we reviewed that journal. We did that week after week. He noted what he did that he shouldn’t have done and what he should have done differently. He would confess his sin and then commit himself to handling situations God’s way. Slowly but surely, as he exercised himself for the purpose of godliness, he began to learn a new pattern of response to difficult circumstances.
By God’s grace, this man’s wife was changed also. Bitterness and resentment had been a pattern throughout her life. From her childhood, her mother had rejected her and repeatedly said to her, “God gave you to us to punish us. I wish you had never been born. You are the bane of our existence.” This woman initially responded to her mother’s cruelty by trying to prove that she was not the bane of her mother’s existence. As a child, she was very obedient and compliant. Over time, however, she came to realize that she could never win her mother’s approval, and so she became angry and bitter and quit trying. This anger toward her mother became very deeply ingrained in her life.
She told me that there were times when she wished that her mother were dead. At night, she would lie in her bed and picture her mother in a coffin. As you can well imagine, she was a very unhappy, miserable woman. Then she got married and was also mistreated by her husband. In God’s goodness, He brought a Christian friend into her life who cared for her and pointed her to Christ through her example and verbal testimony.
Through this friend’s testimony she was born again and turned to Christ to receive God’s forgiveness, but she needed help in putting off old patterns of thinking and living and putting on new patterns of thinking and living. In counseling her, I used the same basic approach that we were using with her husband. I taught her the same basic truths about anger that are found in the chapters in this book. She also embraced these truths and began to practice the same procedures that her husband was employing.
As she exercised herself for the purpose of godliness, we began to see the same changes in her that were taking place in her husband. Their personal lives were being changed. They were becoming more conformed to the image of Christ. They were developing more self-control. They were learning to walk by the spirit and not fulfill the lusts of the flesh (see Gal. 5:16). They were learning to use God’s Word to handle their anger and to experience the power of God in their lives. Scripture indicates that this kind of power is available to all who are true believers (see 1 Cor. 10:13; 2 Cor. 9:8; 12:9–10; Phil. 4:13).
When we walk by the Spirit and consistently put God’s Word into practice, God will help us to change sinful habits. Through the power of the Holy Spirit who lives in us, deeply ingrained sinful patterns of handling the pressures of life can be replaced with godly patterns of response. We can train ourselves for the purpose of godliness. We can learn how to become people whose lives are filled with the fruit of the Spirit rather than the deeds of the flesh. We can put off sinful, destructive, God-displeasing anger and put on righteous, God-honoring, and constructive ways of responding to the pressures of life. This chapter gives you a procedure for doing it. Now the question is, what will you do with the information you have been given?
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS — What are the six questions that can help us to restrain and replace our sinful anger? What important truth does the orange juice illustration teach us about restraining our sinful anger and replacing it with a godly response? Choose one or two verses mentioned in this chapter that deal with overcoming sinful anger and write them out. Reflect over the material presented in this chapter and write out the principles (the ideas or concepts) that you thought were the most important, helpful, encouraging, and convicting. How will you use this material in your own life or in your ministry to others?
Here are my suggestions for accomplishing that very thing. When we find ourselves becoming angry, we can turn that anger into a constructive rather than a destructive force by stopping and asking ourselves the following six questions.
First, What is happening? We should assess the situation—accurately identify the occasion and admit the presence of our sinful anger. For example, consider again the man driving home to a house littered with toys and bikes. When he feels his anger building, he should stop and ask himself what is happening. Things are not going the way I wanted them to.
There are toys on the lawn and bicycles in the driveway, and I’m letting it bother me. Or consider a situation in which someone has agreed to help you and you’re counting on his help, but he fails to show up and never takes the time to call and tell you that he won’t make it. You must do whatever you were planning to do, but you can’t do it without his help. So you start to get annoyed. That’s the circumstance. What should you do? Should you pretend that you’re not upset?
Should you deny that it bothers you? No—to do this would be to lie to yourself and possibly to others as well. In keeping with Scripture, you should put away lying and speak truth to yourself and to the Lord (see Eph. 4:25). Be honest about what is going on; don’t play games! Certainly you should remember that it’s a foolish thing to have your temper control you rather than controlling it yourself. Scripture says that you should hold your anger back (see Prov. 29:11).
You should reflect on the fact that “a man who has no control over his spirit” is “like a city that is broken into and without walls” (Prov. 25:28) and that it’s important for you to rule your spirit (Prov. 16:32) rather than be ruled by your spirit. But to rule your spirit (your emotions) you must first admit to yourself and to God that you are being disturbed.
Second, go on to answer the following set of questions: What are my thoughts about what is happening? Am I interpreting what is happening or not happening through a biblical grid, or am I leaning on my own understanding? Am I bringing my every thought into captivity and making myself think the way God would have me think?
(See Prov. 3:5–6; Rom. 12:2; 2 Cor. 10:1–5; Phil. 4:8.) Here are a few typical examples of unbiblical ways to interpret situations, which must be replaced with godly, biblical thoughts if you are to overcome sinful anger: “I deserve much more than I’m getting.” “If she had only listened to me.” “I’m going to be late, and it’s a horrible thing to be late.” “I told her what I wanted, and she’s not cooperating. She is so selfish.” “That person totally misrepresented what I said or did.” “After all I’ve done, this is what I get.” “I deserve the praise or recognition more than the person who got it does.” “No matter what I do, it’s just not good enough.” “My husband is never satisfied.” “No one ever pays any attention to me.” “No one cares what happens to me.” “People are always taking advantage of me.” “I’m always the one who has to give in or do the dirty work.” “She never wants to do what I want to do. She always has to have her own way.” “I’m always thinking about how I can please him, but he never thinks about what would please me.”
Third, answer this set of questions: What do I want that I’m not getting, or what am I getting that I don’t want? What compelling desires of mine are driving me, ruling me, demanding to be fulfilled? What compelling desires of mine are being thwarted? Am I being motivated by the love of God or the love of self? Am I being controlled by a desire to please and glorify God or a desire to please and glorify self? What desires of mine have become demands? What wants of mine have become must-have, can’t-live-without desires? (See Jer. 45:5; Matt. 6:33; 1 Cor. 10:31; 2 Cor. 5:9; Phil. 1:20–21;
Col. 3:1–3.) Here are some typical unbiblical desires that must be replaced with godly, biblical desires if you are to overcome sinful anger: “I must have respect.” “I must have recognition.” “I must be happy.” “I must have a life that is free from pain and difficulty.” “I must have my own way, and I’m not getting it.” “I must have people do what I want them to.” “I must be safe and secure.” “I must be as important as . . .” “I must be the best and be treated as though I were the best.” “I must have people praise me.” “I must succeed.” “I deserve to have a life that is free from criticism or opposition.” “I must have people think that I’m intelligent and witty.” “I must have people agree with me or else I’m a failure.” “I must have children who . . .” “I must have a mate who . . .”
Fourth, having answered this set of questions, go on to answer the question, Right now, what am I being tempted to do? Here are some very typical ways that people are tempted to, and actually do, respond when things don’t go the way they want them to, or when they don’t get what they think they deserve or must have: “I’m tempted to lash out, to yell, to withdraw, to give someone a piece of my mind.” “I’m tempted to pout and sulk.” “I’m tempted to run away or quit.” “I’m tempted to brood and fret and nurse my wounds.” “I’m tempted to be irritable and to let someone know I’m annoyed.” “I’m tempted to be malicious and hurt someone.” “I’m tempted to take drugs and turn to alcohol.” “I’m tempted to be stubborn and uncooperative.” “I’m tempted to punish or dominate someone who is standing in my way, is not agreeing with me, or is not cooperating.” “I’m tempted to get revenge; to retaliate; to render railing for railing, accusation for accusation, insult for insult.” “I’m tempted to be pushy and overbearing.” “I’m tempted to be bitter and hold a grudge.”
Fifth, in order to rule your emotions and respond in a godly way when things don’t go the way you would like, it’s crucial for you to answer the following questions: How do my thoughts and intentions and potential response to the circumstances I’m confronting line up with Scripture? What would be the biblical, God-honoring response to this situation? How would God want me to think about and respond to this situation? What would be a scriptural, godly, Christlike way of reacting to what is occurring? To overcome sinful anger, you must determine what would be the godly response.
Study the Scripture and memorize and meditate on verses that delineate a biblical, constructive response to what could be an anger-facilitating circumstance. Think carefully about the kind of response that would please God. Remember, we are transformed by the renewing of our minds (see Rom. 12:2; Eph. 4:23), and the right use of Scripture will keep us from sin (see Ps. 119:9, 11). Fill your mind with relevant scriptural thoughts about the way you should respond to what is happening. Here are a few examples of what you might do to develop a biblical response to undesirable, unpleasant, difficult circumstances. When confronted by unpleasant, potentially irritating circumstances, you might stop and say to yourself, “God says that I’m always to act in a loving manner (see John 13:34–35; 1 Cor. 13:4–8; 16:14).
What is love? Well, Scripture says that love is long-suffering and kind. Love isn’t jealous or proud. Love isn’t provoked. Love doesn’t vaunt itself; it doesn’t act unbecomingly; it doesn’t seek its own; it doesn’t take account of a wrong suffered. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things. God says, ‘The fruit of the Spirit is love’ (Gal. 5:22). So I must purpose to love in the way God wants me to love and ask Him for help to do so.
What would be the loving thing to do in this situation? How can I show my love for God and others at this time?” Furthermore, you might say to yourself, “God wants me to be wise in the way I handle what is happening. Scripture says that a wise man is slow to anger and that it is his glory to pass by transgression (see Prov. 19:11). God’s Word tells me that I should let His Word dwell in me richly and that I should ask Him for insight and understanding so that I might have wisdom and act wisely, rather than sinfully and foolishly (see Prov. 2:1–5; Eph. 5:15–17; Col. 3:16; James 1:5).
So I must think through the truths presented in these passages about how to handle opposition and difficulties, and I must seek God’s help to respond to them in a biblical way. I must stop and ask, What is the wise thing to do in this situation? How can I avoid doing what is foolish and make the most out of an undesirable situation?” From there, you might proceed to remind yourself of the following biblical truths.
You might remind yourself that God says, “The servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle” (2 Tim. 2:24–25 KJV). You might meditate on the fact that God’s Word admonishes us to walk worthy of the calling with which we have been called with all humility, all patience, all gentleness and forbearance (see Eph. 4:1–2). You might call to mind the scriptural exhortation about being forbearing with all men and at all times (see Phil. 4:5). You might find help in reflecting on the biblical commands about blessing when you are cursed, about returning good for evil, about counting it all joy when you encounter various kinds of trials (see Matt. 5:43; Rom. 12:17–21; James 1:2–4; 1 Peter 3:9–12).
Then, having filled your mind with God’s perspectives, you should purpose to respond to what is happening to you in the way described in these verses and should ask God for help to actually do this. You should ask yourself, “What would be the gentle, humble, forbearing way of responding to what I’m experiencing? What would be the returning-good-for-evil approach to this situation? What would be the God-honoring way of handling what has occurred?”
Sixth, finally, you should ask yourself, What will I choose to do at this time? Will I choose to obey God or self? Will I do God’s will and please Him, or will I do my will and please myself? Scripture makes it clear that, if you’re a real Christian, you don’t need to continue to respond to your difficulties in an angry, sinful, or destructive manner. For those of us who are in Christ, sin is no longer our master and lord. We don’t have to let sin reign in our mortal bodies that we should obey its lusts (desires). We have been freed from the controlling power of sin and have become slaves of righteousness (see Rom. 6:12–20). We are now able to put off the old man and put on the new man with godly ways of living and handling the problems of life (see Eph. 4:22–24).
We can now become trained for the purpose of godliness (see 1 Tim. 4:7). We can now deny ungodliness and worldly desires and can live soberly, righteously, and godly (see Titus 2:12). We can now, by the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit, put to death the deeds of the body (which includes sinful anger) and live in a godly and righteous manner (see Rom. 8:1–13). What do all these wonderful truths have to do with overcoming sinful anger? Simple answer: everything! More expansive answer: if people who are Christians continue to be overcome by sinful anger rather than overcoming sinful anger, they do so because they’re not choosing to use the resources that God has provided for becoming a godly person (Rom. 6:12–22).
Developing and expressing sinful anger is not something that has to continue to occur. You can choose to follow the biblical procedure I have outlined in this chapter and learn new ways of handling the challenges of life. The choice is up to you. If this doesn’t happen, it’s not God’s fault, nor is it someone else’s fault, nor is it the fault of your circumstances. Ultimately, God’s Word would say it’s your fault. You must choose to obey God rather than yourself. You must choose to practice responding the right way until you are trained in righteousness (see Eph. 4:22–24; 1 Tim. 4:7; 2 Tim. 3:16).
Many Christians are like the orange juice that is sitting in our refrigerator. My wife and I sometimes squeeze the juice out of oranges in the evening, add a little water to it, and then put it in the refrigerator to be used in the morning. During the night, however, the good stuff settles to the bottom. So, if we pour out some orange juice without shaking it up or stirring it first, all we get is orange water. That orange juice is an illustration of what happens with many Christians. They have some basic knowledge of Scripture in their minds, and yet they seem to live as though they don’t know the truths of God’s Word at all. When a conflict arises or an unpleasant circumstance occurs, they respond in ways that are contrary to the things they claim to know and believe about godly living.
The good stuff is in them, but it’s all settled to the bottom; it’s not what is gripping and holding and influencing their minds and lives. So they respond to difficulties in the same way that unbelievers do: with sinful, destructive expressions of anger. To overcome this tendency, Christians need to be constantly stirring up the good stuff—the Word of God—that is in their minds, so that when the difficult times come they’re prepared to respond in a godly way. How do we go about stirring up the good stuff? Part of what we need to do is regularly read, study, and memorize God’s Word.
Part of the stirring process will also involve regularly listening to good, expository, practical teaching of the Bible. However, though doing these things is necessary and excellent, it’s only a start. To really be good and angry, we need to do even more: we also must apply the things that we have learned to our lives day by day. “But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does” ( James 1:25). In fact, if we fail to do this, God says, “Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin” ( James 4:17). As we learn God’s commands more and more, we are responsible to obey more and more as well.
One very helpful way of making sure that we actually apply and rightly use God’s Word in the existential situations of life is to commit ourselves to using the questions we’ve just mentioned to analyze and direct our emotions and behavior in circumstances that may facilitate the development and expression of sinful anger. We need to have a plan and be committed to following that plan at strategic moments in our lives. Most people lose their battles with anger because they go into those battles unprepared.
Let’s learn how to overcome sinful anger from the example of Joseph in the book of Genesis. Joseph knew ahead of time that a horrible famine was going to occur in seven years. So what did he do? Did he wait until the famine occurred to decide what to do? No; he knew it was coming, and for seven years he got ready. Long before the problem arose, he made a plan and then committed himself to following that plan. As a result, he and others were not overcome by the unpleasant event. That’s what we need to do in our battle with anger. As long as we live in this world, we know that unpleasant events are going to occur; we know we’re going to face many difficulties.
Many stressful situations in which we could become sinfully angry are going to come into our lives. Count on it; this will happen again and again. We can be absolutely certain that, just as surely as the famine came to Egypt, we will face circumstances that will tempt us to become sinfully angry. Moreover, we can also be certain that if we, like Joseph, have a plan and use that plan for handling those occurrences, we can learn to respond to them in a godly, constructive way. Romans 12:17 says to “respect what is right in the sight of all men.” The Greek word translated respect really means that we should plan ahead to do what is right. We cannot just expect to do right; we must make a plan to do what is right.
We need to think through as many different situations as we can ahead of time and plan our responses. “If my spouse does such and such, and I start to become angry, this is what I am going to do. If my children do such and such, and I’m tempted to become angry, this is what I’m going to do.” To be good and angry, we must make plans and then practice those plans. When we get up in the morning, we need to start the day by asking God for help. “Lord, I need your help today. I want to change in this area of my life and be more like Jesus Christ. I now have a plan, and today, with your help, I want to put my plan into action.”
Then, as we go through our day, we should take time to stop and evaluate our progress. How did the morning go? “I did fine with my spouse this morning, but I failed when my boss made that comment in our morning meeting.” When you’ve identified your failure, ask God for forgiveness (see 1 John 1:9). Then you should review and answer the six questions we’ve previously mentioned and commit yourself to handling the challenges of the afternoon in a more biblical way. In the evening, stop and review again. Ask God’s forgiveness for failures, review and answer the six questions for every failure, and recommit yourself to a biblical approach. Follow the same process during the next day and the next and the next.
Review, evaluate, and ask for help and forgiveness. Follow this pattern of putting the plan into practice, day after day, until the pattern becomes a new habit of response. In so doing, you will be training yourself for the purpose of godliness and righteousness (see 1 Tim. 4:7; 2 Tim. 3:16). You will be putting off your old manner of life, which is corrupt, and putting on the new manner of life that is righteous and holy (see Eph. 4:22–24). It will take time to develop this new habit, of course; perhaps much time—probably anywhere from eight to twenty-four weeks of consistent practice.
Our bad, unbiblical habits are often slowly changed and exchanged for righteous patterns of living as we renew our minds in God’s Word and put God’s Word into practice in our lives. You and I don’t have to be angry, hostile people. God’s Word says we can change, but it also tells us that change will occur only as we exercise ourselves for the purpose of godliness (see Phil. 2:12; 1 Tim. 4:7). Some time ago, a man came to me seeking counseling. When I asked him why he had come, he responded, “I have lost my temper and physically abused my wife on many occasions.”
His anger problem was so serious that the last time it had happened, the neighbors called the police. When the police came, he attacked them and was then sent to jail. While in jail, he began to do some serious thinking about his life, his relationship with his wife and other people, and even his relationship with God. A Christian friend (who had witnessed to him before) came to visit him and shared the gospel with him again. By God’s grace, this time he heard, was convicted of his sin by the Holy Spirit, and began to want to be forgiven—as well as to change his manner of life.
When he was released from jail, his Christian friend encouraged him to seek biblical counseling. He called our counseling center and made an appointment to meet with me. When he first came for counseling, he was separated from his wife. In fact, initially there was a restraining order against him preventing him from seeing his wife at all. As we worked together, God began to change this man through the knowledge and power of His Word. He freely acknowledged and repented of his sin and turned to Christ to receive forgiveness.
He committed himself to the lordship of Christ and began to develop a love for God’s Word, a love for prayer, and a willingness to obey Christ in his life. He became a new creation in Christ, and many of the old things began to pass away and were replaced with the new things of the Christian life. During the time I counseled this man, I taught him the same basic truths about anger that are found in these chapters. The man embraced these truths and began to faithfully practice the procedure I have described in this chapter. After several weeks of counseling, the restraining order was lifted and he was allowed to see his wife again.
Then, some time after this happened, his wife began to come with him for counseling. It was then my privilege to counsel them together over a period of several months. As we counseled, his way of handling pressures began to change dramatically in his relationships with other people, and especially with his wife. Instead of responding to his wife with sinful anger, he began to communicate with her in a godly, respectful way. They began to talk through their problems. At that time, they were faced with many trying circumstances such as changing his job, selling their home, getting a new mortgage, and facing the embarrassment of the police incident being reported in the local paper.
All these things put enormous pressure on them as individuals and on their marriage. God brought these things into this man’s life and marriage to test him—to see if he was really serious about his new faith (see James 1:2–4; 1 Peter 1:6–7). It was a joy for me to see how the Lord worked in this man’s life through His Word. We used the several questions that I gave earlier in this chapter to help him respond to the pressures of life in a godly way. Though his years of sinful habits were difficult to replace with new patterns, this man was able to put these questions to use in his life.
Regularly, as he faced occasions to which he would have previously responded in sinful ways, he practiced asking himself the questions: What is happening? What are my thoughts about this situation? What am I not getting that I would like to get, and what am I getting that I don’t want? What am I tempted to do? What would be the biblical and God-honoring response in this situation? What will I choose to do at this time? Will I obey God or self? Will I do God’s will and please Him, or will I do my will and please myself?
I asked him to keep a journal in which he could record the answers to those questions on a daily basis. He did that faithfully, and when he came in for his weekly counseling session, we reviewed that journal. We did that week after week. He noted what he did that he shouldn’t have done and what he should have done differently. He would confess his sin and then commit himself to handling situations God’s way. Slowly but surely, as he exercised himself for the purpose of godliness, he began to learn a new pattern of response to difficult circumstances.
By God’s grace, this man’s wife was changed also. Bitterness and resentment had been a pattern throughout her life. From her childhood, her mother had rejected her and repeatedly said to her, “God gave you to us to punish us. I wish you had never been born. You are the bane of our existence.” This woman initially responded to her mother’s cruelty by trying to prove that she was not the bane of her mother’s existence. As a child, she was very obedient and compliant. Over time, however, she came to realize that she could never win her mother’s approval, and so she became angry and bitter and quit trying. This anger toward her mother became very deeply ingrained in her life.
She told me that there were times when she wished that her mother were dead. At night, she would lie in her bed and picture her mother in a coffin. As you can well imagine, she was a very unhappy, miserable woman. Then she got married and was also mistreated by her husband. In God’s goodness, He brought a Christian friend into her life who cared for her and pointed her to Christ through her example and verbal testimony.
Through this friend’s testimony she was born again and turned to Christ to receive God’s forgiveness, but she needed help in putting off old patterns of thinking and living and putting on new patterns of thinking and living. In counseling her, I used the same basic approach that we were using with her husband. I taught her the same basic truths about anger that are found in the chapters in this book. She also embraced these truths and began to practice the same procedures that her husband was employing.
As she exercised herself for the purpose of godliness, we began to see the same changes in her that were taking place in her husband. Their personal lives were being changed. They were becoming more conformed to the image of Christ. They were developing more self-control. They were learning to walk by the spirit and not fulfill the lusts of the flesh (see Gal. 5:16). They were learning to use God’s Word to handle their anger and to experience the power of God in their lives. Scripture indicates that this kind of power is available to all who are true believers (see 1 Cor. 10:13; 2 Cor. 9:8; 12:9–10; Phil. 4:13).
When we walk by the Spirit and consistently put God’s Word into practice, God will help us to change sinful habits. Through the power of the Holy Spirit who lives in us, deeply ingrained sinful patterns of handling the pressures of life can be replaced with godly patterns of response. We can train ourselves for the purpose of godliness. We can learn how to become people whose lives are filled with the fruit of the Spirit rather than the deeds of the flesh. We can put off sinful, destructive, God-displeasing anger and put on righteous, God-honoring, and constructive ways of responding to the pressures of life. This chapter gives you a procedure for doing it. Now the question is, what will you do with the information you have been given?
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS — What are the six questions that can help us to restrain and replace our sinful anger? What important truth does the orange juice illustration teach us about restraining our sinful anger and replacing it with a godly response? Choose one or two verses mentioned in this chapter that deal with overcoming sinful anger and write them out. Reflect over the material presented in this chapter and write out the principles (the ideas or concepts) that you thought were the most important, helpful, encouraging, and convicting. How will you use this material in your own life or in your ministry to others?