Anger & Stress Management God’s Way
Learning To Be Good And Angry
Chapter 3
LEARNING TO BE GOOD AND ANGRY
Most of us, at some point in our lives, have been “good and angry” in a bad sense, meaning that we have been angry for the wrong reasons and expressed that anger in unbiblical ways. Something has happened, or someone has said something, that has really gotten us steamed. In fact, that reaction—becoming “good [or, should I say, bad] and angry”—was as natural and easy for us as breathing.
No one had to teach us how to get that angry. Our sinful hearts were all too eager to lead us into it. There are far fewer of us who can claim to have ever been really good (in a godly sense) and angry—in other words, angry without sin, angry for the right reasons as well as expressing that anger in constructive, biblical ways. In the last two chapters, we studied the different characteristics of sinful anger and the many ways that it can be expressed.
This kind of anger comes naturally to us as sinners. What does not come naturally is dealing with our anger in a God-honoring way. This is something that we need to learn and to train our hearts to do. In this chapter, we are going to look at what the Scripture says about being good and angry—dealing with our anger in a godly way. The first aspect of learning to be good and angry is dealing with problems on a regular, daily basis.
Ephesians 4:26 says, “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” In this verse, God has commanded us to deal with our problems every day. What often happens when there is a problem between people is that they not only allow the sun to go down on it, but allow many moons to go down as well. Years later, they’re still bothered by things that were never taken care of when they first happened.
Over time, other things are added to the original offense, until they’re harboring a mountain of anger in their hearts. I remember a counseling occasion in which a man actually said that he was going to leave his wife because “she didn’t close the dresser drawers.” He complained that he would come into his bedroom, step around a corner, and get a stomach full of open drawers.
The truth, of course, was that this man had more than a stomach full of drawers; he had a stomach full of his wife as well. He was upset about the drawers plus a thousand other things that had accumulated over the years. The drawers had simply become the focal point of his growing anger.
Whenever we see a person responding with an unusual amount of emotion and anger to what most people would consider a miniscule thing, we can be sure that that person has had much unexpressed anger, simmering under the surface, from prior events. This person’s response to that one problem was really a reaction to both it and many other things that he has not yet dealt with because he has not been resolving his anger on a regular basis.
According to God’s Word, there are only two ways to deal righteously with a conflict that we have with another person. One, we can overlook the offense. First Peter 4:8 says, “Love covers a multitude of sins.” Proverbs 10:12 teaches, “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all transgressions.” Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression.”
Some people might think that it’s their duty to point out other people’s sins to them. After all, they opine, the Bible teaches us to confront sin in others
(see 2 Thess. 3:14–15). Though the Scripture does teach this, it’s also true that Scripture tells us to overlook some sin. There are times, as Proverbs 19:11 indicates, when it’s better for us to overlook an offense than to point it out.
If a person is doing something that does not greatly hinder his or her ministry or someone else’s ministry for Jesus Christ, or does not hurt someone else or is not a pattern in that person’s life, it may be better to overlook it, praying that the person would be convicted by the Holy Spirit. It’s generally better to reserve confrontation for spiritual issues that are clearly sin issues—issues that will bring reproach on Christ and serious damage to other people.
In other words, we need to distinguish between what we could call swing issues and fire issues. Fire issues destroy and maim; they do serious damage. Swing issues are of less consequence. We certainly need to distinguish between issues of preference and issues of sin—between what is really major and what is relatively minor. For example, my children were born with sinful hearts that are “more deceitful than all else and [are] desperately sick” ( Jer. 17:9).
If I had wanted to, I could have observed the lives of my children as they were growing up and found almost innumerable things wrong with what they said and did. In fact, I could have occupied a large part of my day just in rebuking and criticizing them—pointing out their sins. After a while, however, they would have begun to think of me as a policeman, not as a father.
My relationship with them would have suffered greatly as a result. My positive impact on them would have been hindered as they encountered my constant negativity. Continuous, nonstop faultfinding and admonition would have encouraged them to be uptight around me and to want to avoid me as much as possible. What we should do as parents, spouses, or friends is to overlook the things that do not fit the categories I’ve just mentioned and confront people about the things that are of vital importance as outlined previously.
We need to choose our battles carefully and wisely. The book Life in the Father’s House, which I coauthored, makes this statement: We should confront someone only when he or she acts in a way forbidden in Scripture. That means being careful not to confront another based on a mere preference outside of Scripture (1 Cor. 4:6) or even a principle inferred from Scripture by “exegetical gymnastics” and wrongly elevated to a universal standard (cf. Rom. 14:1–12).
The Scriptures speak to many issues clearly, and those explicit principles are a sufficient basis for reproof and correction (2 Tim. 3:16). In matters outside the clear teaching of Scripture, each person should be “fully convinced in his own mind” (Rom. 14:5) but should also be very careful not to judge his brother (Rom. 14:4, 10, 13). . . . If we took the time to confront every possible sin that other Christians commit, we would probably have little time for anything else.
Inconsiderate words and actions, selfish oversights, and prideful thoughts expressed in some way are rampant in any body of believers and particularly common in family relationships. Many of those offenses do not need to be discussed, but can be overlooked. . . . Growing in biblical love and humility will help you to cover more and more offenses (especially those committed against you), and growing in biblical wisdom can help you to decide what sins should not be overlooked because of their harmful consequences.
A question you could ask yourself . . . is this: . . . would one or two more people of sound judgment consider this issue significant enough to go along with me? If not, then perhaps the problem should be overlooked at this time. If you seriously question whether to confront someone or not, perhaps it would be better to be safe than sorry, and you should lovingly talk to the person about the issue.
But as we grow in our love and humility toward others in the body, we should increasingly “learn to overlook a multitude of offenses . . . recognizing that we are all sinners and that we must gratefully thank others for covering our sins as well.”
1. What you have just read suggests that there is a second way of dealing with conflicts that we have with other people. When we experience or recognize a serious problem with another person because of his or her sin, then, as Matthew 18:15 says, we are to go privately to that person for the purpose of resolving the problem.
The purpose of that meeting should be only for promoting reconciliation and unity, not for criticizing or condemning. For example, if we have a conflict with another person over what may be a relatively small thing, and we have made an effort to overlook the offense, but this same conflict recurs frequently, then it would be sin to keep quiet about the matter.
Or if we have a conflict with another person and, even though it only happens once, it is of very serious consequence, then it also would be sin for us to keep quiet. These principles should be applied in our relationships with friends or colleagues, and they should also be implemented in our marriage relationships. In a Christian marriage, our spouse is a fellow brother or sister in Christ and deserves the same treatment as any other person.
God’s Word commands us to deal with our serious conflicts by going to the other person and discussing the matter for the purpose of reconciliation. In Life in the Father’s House, we make this comment: Love covers a multitude of sins, but sometimes sin throws the covers off. . . . When the following conditions exist, it becomes unloving and wrong to ignore the problem: If the sin creates an unreconciled relationship between you and the offender, so that you think often about the sin and think badly of him, then confrontation is necessary for the sake of unity in the body (cf. Matt. 5:23–24; Phil. 2:1–4).
If you are not confident that the person is growing in the direction of Christlikeness by regularly confessing his sin and working to change, then confronting his sin may be the only way to expose his spiritual inertia and help him to avoid God’s chastening (cf. Heb. 3:12–14; James 5:19–20; 2 Peter 1:5–10).
If you know that there will be consequences of this sin that will hurt others in the offender’s life, then for their sake you should make sure that he has recognized his wrong and repented from it (cf. Matt. 18:6; 1 Cor. 5:6–7; 12:26).
2. One practical way to ensure that problems are dealt with on a regular basis is by establishing a daily family conference time. This is a designated time every day during which the family discusses things together. The amount of time set apart for this may be short or long, depending on what problematic issues are happening in the family at the time.
In my marriage relationship, even when I’m traveling for a seminar or another teaching commitment, I do my best to call my wife every day or, if for some reason that is very difficult, to contact her at least every two days. I do this because I want to maintain contact, but also because I want to know about anything that has developed—any problems—in our family.
I cannot be the head of our home unless I know what is happening there. I cannot encourage and help my wife unless I talk to her regularly. Setting aside a specific time during each day to deal with problems can be a very beneficial practice. Doing this on a daily basis can accomplish two things: one, it can prevent the pileup of problems that will make it more difficult to resolve those problems when eventually they can’t be ignored any longer; and two, having a specific time for the discussion of problems can prevent the practice of talking about problems continually throughout the day.
It’s usually not very productive for relationships if the whole day takes on the flavor of a problem. Planning a specific time can be used to encourage children (and to remind ourselves) to consider things carefully before reacting. It’s important for us to train ourselves to take stock of a situation, evaluate it carefully in light of Scripture, pray about it, and then decide what to do.
Knee-jerk reactions to conflict are seldom, if ever, beneficial to anyone involved. Indeed, we usually get into more trouble when our response is to “shoot from the hip.” When we react without thinking first, we often compound the problem, because the other person is not ready to receive the correction and we are not ready to give it in a loving manner.
This is true for parents and children and for husbands and wives. A regular time that has been set aside for discussing disagreements and offenses allows every family member the necessary time to prayerfully consider a proper response. And, if there are no problematic issues to discuss during this preestablished conference time, it gives the family an opportunity to converse regularly on positive issues.
“Do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Eph. 4:26). “Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matt. 6:34). In other words, Scripture admonishes us to get today’s problems taken care of today, so that there is room for tomorrow’s problems tomorrow. If we make this a habit, then throughout our lives we will reap the benefits in our families and our marriages. It will allow us to start each day fresh, free of leftover anger and bitterness.
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What is the first aspect of learning to be good and angry that was presented in this chapter?
What may we assume whenever we see a person responding with an unusual amount of emotion and anger to what most people would consider a miniscule thing?
What are the two ways to deal righteously with a conflict that we have with another person?
What Scriptures support these two approaches?
What criteria should be used to determine which of these two approaches to use in a given situation?
Explain one practical way to ensure that problems are dealt with on a regular basis. Write out one of the verses in this section that describes how to handle our anger. Do you always, often, sometimes, seldom, or never practice the biblical way of dealing with the offenses, sins, and conflicts of other people?
Ask your mate and/or children to evaluate how they think you should answer this question. The second aspect of learning to be good and angry is understanding that we can control and restrain the expression of our anger. If we are Christians, we have the means to control the expression of our anger. Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool always loses his temper, but a wise man holds it back.” Proverbs 16:32 teaches that a wise man rules his spirit.
Since we have Christ, and in Christ are “hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge” (Col. 2:3), we each have the power to be that wise person. By the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit, we can control our anger. In fact, we do it all the time—when we really want to. Consider this illustration.
Suppose a mother has had a particularly bad day. Her husband was a real grouch in the morning. Her children were about as disobedient and rebellious as they could possibly be, constantly interrupting her work. The washing machine broke down, and the vacuum stopped working. Nothing she wanted to accomplish was getting done that day. By midafternoon, as she was ready to pull her hair out, her children had one more good fight.
At that point, she “lost control” and started screaming and yelling. Just then, in the middle of her fireworks, the telephone rang. She picked up the phone, said a cheerful “Hello!” and spent the next several minutes talking very pleasantly with her pastor’s wife. What happened? This woman controlled her “out of control” anger. Or consider this example.
Someone is at his place of employment. The boss comes into the office and, clearly having a bad day, criticizes him for everything he has done that day. Most of the criticism is undeserved, and this person spends the rest of his day contemplating how much he would like to defend himself and prove to the boss that his assessment was wrong, or even to punch his boss in the nose.
He doesn’t do it, of course, because he is afraid of losing his job. What did this person do? He controlled his anger. We can and we do control our anger when the motivation is great. When we fail to control our anger, it’s because we don’t consider the stakes to be high enough.
In other words, we think we can get away with losing our temper and letting the shrapnel fly all over the place. We don’t think we will lose anything (our godly image at church, our job, etc.), and so we let it all hang out. We allow our anger to be a destructive force.
For some strange reason, the place where we are most likely to think we can get away with it is with our mate and children. We think somehow that assaulting and attacking family members will serve some good purpose. We forget about the truth of James 1:20, which says that “the wrath of man” never accomplishes anything good (NKJV).
We ignore the truth of Ecclesiastes 7:9, which reminds us that “anger rests in the bosom of fools” (NKJV). Somehow, we think that blasting away at people or things is a wise thing to do and is going to do some good. It never does. It always does harm in the home and everywhere else.
Yet we repeat the same practice over and over again. For some strange reason, we think we can get away with it in certain situations. However, there are other times and places where we realize the serious consequences, usually to us and our well-being, and in those situations we do control our anger.
In all places and all times, we must recognize the fact that as Christians indwelt by the Holy Spirit we do have the power to control our anger. We must realize that, when we fail, it’s by choice. God has given us the power to obey Him in this matter of anger. How, then, do we go about controlling our anger in a practical way?
First, if we desire to obey God by controlling our anger, we must never excuse, justify, or rationalize our anger.
Second, we must prepare ourselves to acknowledge and deal with it honestly.
The third aspect of learning to be good and angry is taking time to examine the reasons for our anger.
Whenever we start to become angry, we should immediately stop what we’re doing and think about what is happening. I often instruct my counselees to make up small cards to help them with this. When they’re caught in a pattern of sinful response, from years and years of practice, they need to be jolted out of it.
I ask them to write “STOP” on one side of the card so that they can use it as a reminder when they find themselves falling into the old pattern. When we take time to stop and think, we are able to evaluate the reasons for our anger. Are we getting angry because some “right” of ours is being denied? (See the discussion of the “rights” issue in chapter 1.) Or is it because we love God, His truth, and His righteousness?
Are we really concerned about the kingdom of God and about advancing the cause of Jesus Christ in the situation? Scripture indicates that many times our angry responses are related to pride and selfishness; we become angry because we want our own way, we want to control people or the situation, and we’re not able to do it (see Prov. 13:10; James 4:1–3).
The bottom-line reason for much of our sinful anger is because we have an agenda and someone or something is standing in the way of our fulfilling that agenda. So taking the time to evaluate why we are becoming angry can be a helpful way of identifying our sinful, idolatrous motives and promoting conviction of sin and repentance.
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What are the second and third aspects of learning how to be good and angry?
What is meant by the statement that we can control our anger when we want to? Explain why it’s important to take the time to examine the reasons for our anger. What is often the bottom-line reason for sinful anger?
Describe a couple of instances when you have controlled your anger and a couple when your anger has controlled you. In light of what was stated in this section about why people sometimes do and sometimes don’t control their anger, evaluate why you controlled your anger on some occasions and why you didn’t on the other occasions.
Write out one of the verses in this section that describes this kind of anger. Do you always, often, sometimes, seldom, or never practice the godly anger-management strategies discussed in this section? Ask your mate and/or children to evaluate how they think you should answer this question.
The fourth aspect of learning to be good and angry is learning how to harness the energy created by our anger. It has been medically proven and documented that when people become angry, physical changes take place in their bodies. According to researchers, anger stimulates the adrenal gland, which then releases a hormone (commonly called adrenaline) into the bloodstream.
This hormone stimulates other glands in the body, which also release hormones into the bloodstream. One of these glands is the pancreas, which makes insulin. Insulin helps the body turn glucose (sugar) into chemical energy that the body can use for work. In other words, anger stimulates the body to prepare to use energy—to do something—and we can use this for either destructive or constructive purposes.
If we constantly suppress our anger and the energy it builds up, we will eventually destroy ourselves. Unreleased stress in the body has been linked to all kinds of physical problems. In his book, None of These Diseases, physician S. I. McMillen gives numerous illustrations of the serious consequences that anger and other strong emotions can have on the body.
3. This, of course, is in keeping with the many biblical statements about the beneficial consequences that pleasant emotions can have on our physical well-being and the numerous biblical warnings about the debilitating effects of negative emotions on our bodies.
A tranquil heart is life to the body, But passion is rottenness to the bones.
(Prov. 14:30) When the heart is sad, the spirit is broken. (Prov. 15:13) A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones. (Prov. 17:22). A broken spirit who can bear . . . ? (Prov. 18:14) In section 1 of his book The Christian Counselor’s Medical Desk Reference,
4. Physician Robert Smith writes about some biblical principles for promoting good physical health. On pages 3 to 25, he quotes numerous Bible verses that both describe the principles of good health and delineate possible causes of bad health.
To illustrate the effect that sinful emotions may have on our bodies, I will include a few statements from various parts of the book that draw a possible connection between our emotions and poor health. There are some specific effects of sin and disobedience on the body and health.
5. Responses to various circumstances may themselves produce symptoms of sickness.
6. Anger sends impulses to the intestine, stimulating . . . cramping and spasm. The result is more pain . . . in sixty to eighty percent of patients, responses to problems of life have produced physical symptoms.
7. Some headaches are due to muscle soreness resulting from holding the body rigid when under the pressure of solving problems. If any number of unbiblical responses to those difficulties such as irritation, resentment, or sinful anger are added, the headache may become worse.
8. Throughout the book, Dr. Smith explains how the experience of sinful anger along with other sinful emotions can have a negative effect on our bodies. So, when we suppress our anger and fail to deal with it biblically, we run the risk of not only displeasing God but also bringing upon ourselves all kinds of physical problems. Suppression of anger, therefore, is not the answer to the sinful anger problem.
Conversely, it’s also true that just letting it all come out, “blowing our top,” and engaging in the practice that psychologists call venting is not the answer. Most importantly, ventilating is not the answer because God warns against this practice (see Prov. 16:32; 29:11; Eph. 4:26–27, 31). Still further, “blowing your top” is not the answer because doing so will destroy other people and our relationships with them.
Eventually, we may find ourselves alone and thinking that no one cares about us anymore. And if we take time to think about why nobody cares, we will often find that it’s because of the hostile way in which we have treated them. Instead of using the energy created by our anger to destroy people, we should use that energy in a constructive way to deal with problems. In the next chapter, I will expand on this concept of making anger a positive force in your life and relationships and will describe a biblically consistent procedure for doing this very thing.
Meanwhile, after reading this chapter and completing the previous application exercises, conclude your study of this chapter by answering the following questions.
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What is the fourth aspect of learning to be good and angry presented in this chapter?
What does the statement about harnessing the energy created by our anger mean? What two wrong ways of handling our anger are discussed in this section?
What are the consequences of handling our anger in either of these two ways?
Choose one or two verses mentioned in this section that deal with overcoming sinful anger and write them out. Reflect over the material presented in this chapter and write out the principles (the ideas or concepts) that you thought were the most important, helpful, encouraging, and convicting. How will you use this material in your own life or in your ministry to others?
Most of us, at some point in our lives, have been “good and angry” in a bad sense, meaning that we have been angry for the wrong reasons and expressed that anger in unbiblical ways. Something has happened, or someone has said something, that has really gotten us steamed. In fact, that reaction—becoming “good [or, should I say, bad] and angry”—was as natural and easy for us as breathing.
No one had to teach us how to get that angry. Our sinful hearts were all too eager to lead us into it. There are far fewer of us who can claim to have ever been really good (in a godly sense) and angry—in other words, angry without sin, angry for the right reasons as well as expressing that anger in constructive, biblical ways. In the last two chapters, we studied the different characteristics of sinful anger and the many ways that it can be expressed.
This kind of anger comes naturally to us as sinners. What does not come naturally is dealing with our anger in a God-honoring way. This is something that we need to learn and to train our hearts to do. In this chapter, we are going to look at what the Scripture says about being good and angry—dealing with our anger in a godly way. The first aspect of learning to be good and angry is dealing with problems on a regular, daily basis.
Ephesians 4:26 says, “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” In this verse, God has commanded us to deal with our problems every day. What often happens when there is a problem between people is that they not only allow the sun to go down on it, but allow many moons to go down as well. Years later, they’re still bothered by things that were never taken care of when they first happened.
Over time, other things are added to the original offense, until they’re harboring a mountain of anger in their hearts. I remember a counseling occasion in which a man actually said that he was going to leave his wife because “she didn’t close the dresser drawers.” He complained that he would come into his bedroom, step around a corner, and get a stomach full of open drawers.
The truth, of course, was that this man had more than a stomach full of drawers; he had a stomach full of his wife as well. He was upset about the drawers plus a thousand other things that had accumulated over the years. The drawers had simply become the focal point of his growing anger.
Whenever we see a person responding with an unusual amount of emotion and anger to what most people would consider a miniscule thing, we can be sure that that person has had much unexpressed anger, simmering under the surface, from prior events. This person’s response to that one problem was really a reaction to both it and many other things that he has not yet dealt with because he has not been resolving his anger on a regular basis.
According to God’s Word, there are only two ways to deal righteously with a conflict that we have with another person. One, we can overlook the offense. First Peter 4:8 says, “Love covers a multitude of sins.” Proverbs 10:12 teaches, “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all transgressions.” Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression.”
Some people might think that it’s their duty to point out other people’s sins to them. After all, they opine, the Bible teaches us to confront sin in others
(see 2 Thess. 3:14–15). Though the Scripture does teach this, it’s also true that Scripture tells us to overlook some sin. There are times, as Proverbs 19:11 indicates, when it’s better for us to overlook an offense than to point it out.
If a person is doing something that does not greatly hinder his or her ministry or someone else’s ministry for Jesus Christ, or does not hurt someone else or is not a pattern in that person’s life, it may be better to overlook it, praying that the person would be convicted by the Holy Spirit. It’s generally better to reserve confrontation for spiritual issues that are clearly sin issues—issues that will bring reproach on Christ and serious damage to other people.
In other words, we need to distinguish between what we could call swing issues and fire issues. Fire issues destroy and maim; they do serious damage. Swing issues are of less consequence. We certainly need to distinguish between issues of preference and issues of sin—between what is really major and what is relatively minor. For example, my children were born with sinful hearts that are “more deceitful than all else and [are] desperately sick” ( Jer. 17:9).
If I had wanted to, I could have observed the lives of my children as they were growing up and found almost innumerable things wrong with what they said and did. In fact, I could have occupied a large part of my day just in rebuking and criticizing them—pointing out their sins. After a while, however, they would have begun to think of me as a policeman, not as a father.
My relationship with them would have suffered greatly as a result. My positive impact on them would have been hindered as they encountered my constant negativity. Continuous, nonstop faultfinding and admonition would have encouraged them to be uptight around me and to want to avoid me as much as possible. What we should do as parents, spouses, or friends is to overlook the things that do not fit the categories I’ve just mentioned and confront people about the things that are of vital importance as outlined previously.
We need to choose our battles carefully and wisely. The book Life in the Father’s House, which I coauthored, makes this statement: We should confront someone only when he or she acts in a way forbidden in Scripture. That means being careful not to confront another based on a mere preference outside of Scripture (1 Cor. 4:6) or even a principle inferred from Scripture by “exegetical gymnastics” and wrongly elevated to a universal standard (cf. Rom. 14:1–12).
The Scriptures speak to many issues clearly, and those explicit principles are a sufficient basis for reproof and correction (2 Tim. 3:16). In matters outside the clear teaching of Scripture, each person should be “fully convinced in his own mind” (Rom. 14:5) but should also be very careful not to judge his brother (Rom. 14:4, 10, 13). . . . If we took the time to confront every possible sin that other Christians commit, we would probably have little time for anything else.
Inconsiderate words and actions, selfish oversights, and prideful thoughts expressed in some way are rampant in any body of believers and particularly common in family relationships. Many of those offenses do not need to be discussed, but can be overlooked. . . . Growing in biblical love and humility will help you to cover more and more offenses (especially those committed against you), and growing in biblical wisdom can help you to decide what sins should not be overlooked because of their harmful consequences.
A question you could ask yourself . . . is this: . . . would one or two more people of sound judgment consider this issue significant enough to go along with me? If not, then perhaps the problem should be overlooked at this time. If you seriously question whether to confront someone or not, perhaps it would be better to be safe than sorry, and you should lovingly talk to the person about the issue.
But as we grow in our love and humility toward others in the body, we should increasingly “learn to overlook a multitude of offenses . . . recognizing that we are all sinners and that we must gratefully thank others for covering our sins as well.”
1. What you have just read suggests that there is a second way of dealing with conflicts that we have with other people. When we experience or recognize a serious problem with another person because of his or her sin, then, as Matthew 18:15 says, we are to go privately to that person for the purpose of resolving the problem.
The purpose of that meeting should be only for promoting reconciliation and unity, not for criticizing or condemning. For example, if we have a conflict with another person over what may be a relatively small thing, and we have made an effort to overlook the offense, but this same conflict recurs frequently, then it would be sin to keep quiet about the matter.
Or if we have a conflict with another person and, even though it only happens once, it is of very serious consequence, then it also would be sin for us to keep quiet. These principles should be applied in our relationships with friends or colleagues, and they should also be implemented in our marriage relationships. In a Christian marriage, our spouse is a fellow brother or sister in Christ and deserves the same treatment as any other person.
God’s Word commands us to deal with our serious conflicts by going to the other person and discussing the matter for the purpose of reconciliation. In Life in the Father’s House, we make this comment: Love covers a multitude of sins, but sometimes sin throws the covers off. . . . When the following conditions exist, it becomes unloving and wrong to ignore the problem: If the sin creates an unreconciled relationship between you and the offender, so that you think often about the sin and think badly of him, then confrontation is necessary for the sake of unity in the body (cf. Matt. 5:23–24; Phil. 2:1–4).
If you are not confident that the person is growing in the direction of Christlikeness by regularly confessing his sin and working to change, then confronting his sin may be the only way to expose his spiritual inertia and help him to avoid God’s chastening (cf. Heb. 3:12–14; James 5:19–20; 2 Peter 1:5–10).
If you know that there will be consequences of this sin that will hurt others in the offender’s life, then for their sake you should make sure that he has recognized his wrong and repented from it (cf. Matt. 18:6; 1 Cor. 5:6–7; 12:26).
2. One practical way to ensure that problems are dealt with on a regular basis is by establishing a daily family conference time. This is a designated time every day during which the family discusses things together. The amount of time set apart for this may be short or long, depending on what problematic issues are happening in the family at the time.
In my marriage relationship, even when I’m traveling for a seminar or another teaching commitment, I do my best to call my wife every day or, if for some reason that is very difficult, to contact her at least every two days. I do this because I want to maintain contact, but also because I want to know about anything that has developed—any problems—in our family.
I cannot be the head of our home unless I know what is happening there. I cannot encourage and help my wife unless I talk to her regularly. Setting aside a specific time during each day to deal with problems can be a very beneficial practice. Doing this on a daily basis can accomplish two things: one, it can prevent the pileup of problems that will make it more difficult to resolve those problems when eventually they can’t be ignored any longer; and two, having a specific time for the discussion of problems can prevent the practice of talking about problems continually throughout the day.
It’s usually not very productive for relationships if the whole day takes on the flavor of a problem. Planning a specific time can be used to encourage children (and to remind ourselves) to consider things carefully before reacting. It’s important for us to train ourselves to take stock of a situation, evaluate it carefully in light of Scripture, pray about it, and then decide what to do.
Knee-jerk reactions to conflict are seldom, if ever, beneficial to anyone involved. Indeed, we usually get into more trouble when our response is to “shoot from the hip.” When we react without thinking first, we often compound the problem, because the other person is not ready to receive the correction and we are not ready to give it in a loving manner.
This is true for parents and children and for husbands and wives. A regular time that has been set aside for discussing disagreements and offenses allows every family member the necessary time to prayerfully consider a proper response. And, if there are no problematic issues to discuss during this preestablished conference time, it gives the family an opportunity to converse regularly on positive issues.
“Do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Eph. 4:26). “Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matt. 6:34). In other words, Scripture admonishes us to get today’s problems taken care of today, so that there is room for tomorrow’s problems tomorrow. If we make this a habit, then throughout our lives we will reap the benefits in our families and our marriages. It will allow us to start each day fresh, free of leftover anger and bitterness.
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What is the first aspect of learning to be good and angry that was presented in this chapter?
What may we assume whenever we see a person responding with an unusual amount of emotion and anger to what most people would consider a miniscule thing?
What are the two ways to deal righteously with a conflict that we have with another person?
What Scriptures support these two approaches?
What criteria should be used to determine which of these two approaches to use in a given situation?
Explain one practical way to ensure that problems are dealt with on a regular basis. Write out one of the verses in this section that describes how to handle our anger. Do you always, often, sometimes, seldom, or never practice the biblical way of dealing with the offenses, sins, and conflicts of other people?
Ask your mate and/or children to evaluate how they think you should answer this question. The second aspect of learning to be good and angry is understanding that we can control and restrain the expression of our anger. If we are Christians, we have the means to control the expression of our anger. Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool always loses his temper, but a wise man holds it back.” Proverbs 16:32 teaches that a wise man rules his spirit.
Since we have Christ, and in Christ are “hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge” (Col. 2:3), we each have the power to be that wise person. By the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit, we can control our anger. In fact, we do it all the time—when we really want to. Consider this illustration.
Suppose a mother has had a particularly bad day. Her husband was a real grouch in the morning. Her children were about as disobedient and rebellious as they could possibly be, constantly interrupting her work. The washing machine broke down, and the vacuum stopped working. Nothing she wanted to accomplish was getting done that day. By midafternoon, as she was ready to pull her hair out, her children had one more good fight.
At that point, she “lost control” and started screaming and yelling. Just then, in the middle of her fireworks, the telephone rang. She picked up the phone, said a cheerful “Hello!” and spent the next several minutes talking very pleasantly with her pastor’s wife. What happened? This woman controlled her “out of control” anger. Or consider this example.
Someone is at his place of employment. The boss comes into the office and, clearly having a bad day, criticizes him for everything he has done that day. Most of the criticism is undeserved, and this person spends the rest of his day contemplating how much he would like to defend himself and prove to the boss that his assessment was wrong, or even to punch his boss in the nose.
He doesn’t do it, of course, because he is afraid of losing his job. What did this person do? He controlled his anger. We can and we do control our anger when the motivation is great. When we fail to control our anger, it’s because we don’t consider the stakes to be high enough.
In other words, we think we can get away with losing our temper and letting the shrapnel fly all over the place. We don’t think we will lose anything (our godly image at church, our job, etc.), and so we let it all hang out. We allow our anger to be a destructive force.
For some strange reason, the place where we are most likely to think we can get away with it is with our mate and children. We think somehow that assaulting and attacking family members will serve some good purpose. We forget about the truth of James 1:20, which says that “the wrath of man” never accomplishes anything good (NKJV).
We ignore the truth of Ecclesiastes 7:9, which reminds us that “anger rests in the bosom of fools” (NKJV). Somehow, we think that blasting away at people or things is a wise thing to do and is going to do some good. It never does. It always does harm in the home and everywhere else.
Yet we repeat the same practice over and over again. For some strange reason, we think we can get away with it in certain situations. However, there are other times and places where we realize the serious consequences, usually to us and our well-being, and in those situations we do control our anger.
In all places and all times, we must recognize the fact that as Christians indwelt by the Holy Spirit we do have the power to control our anger. We must realize that, when we fail, it’s by choice. God has given us the power to obey Him in this matter of anger. How, then, do we go about controlling our anger in a practical way?
First, if we desire to obey God by controlling our anger, we must never excuse, justify, or rationalize our anger.
Second, we must prepare ourselves to acknowledge and deal with it honestly.
The third aspect of learning to be good and angry is taking time to examine the reasons for our anger.
Whenever we start to become angry, we should immediately stop what we’re doing and think about what is happening. I often instruct my counselees to make up small cards to help them with this. When they’re caught in a pattern of sinful response, from years and years of practice, they need to be jolted out of it.
I ask them to write “STOP” on one side of the card so that they can use it as a reminder when they find themselves falling into the old pattern. When we take time to stop and think, we are able to evaluate the reasons for our anger. Are we getting angry because some “right” of ours is being denied? (See the discussion of the “rights” issue in chapter 1.) Or is it because we love God, His truth, and His righteousness?
Are we really concerned about the kingdom of God and about advancing the cause of Jesus Christ in the situation? Scripture indicates that many times our angry responses are related to pride and selfishness; we become angry because we want our own way, we want to control people or the situation, and we’re not able to do it (see Prov. 13:10; James 4:1–3).
The bottom-line reason for much of our sinful anger is because we have an agenda and someone or something is standing in the way of our fulfilling that agenda. So taking the time to evaluate why we are becoming angry can be a helpful way of identifying our sinful, idolatrous motives and promoting conviction of sin and repentance.
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What are the second and third aspects of learning how to be good and angry?
What is meant by the statement that we can control our anger when we want to? Explain why it’s important to take the time to examine the reasons for our anger. What is often the bottom-line reason for sinful anger?
Describe a couple of instances when you have controlled your anger and a couple when your anger has controlled you. In light of what was stated in this section about why people sometimes do and sometimes don’t control their anger, evaluate why you controlled your anger on some occasions and why you didn’t on the other occasions.
Write out one of the verses in this section that describes this kind of anger. Do you always, often, sometimes, seldom, or never practice the godly anger-management strategies discussed in this section? Ask your mate and/or children to evaluate how they think you should answer this question.
The fourth aspect of learning to be good and angry is learning how to harness the energy created by our anger. It has been medically proven and documented that when people become angry, physical changes take place in their bodies. According to researchers, anger stimulates the adrenal gland, which then releases a hormone (commonly called adrenaline) into the bloodstream.
This hormone stimulates other glands in the body, which also release hormones into the bloodstream. One of these glands is the pancreas, which makes insulin. Insulin helps the body turn glucose (sugar) into chemical energy that the body can use for work. In other words, anger stimulates the body to prepare to use energy—to do something—and we can use this for either destructive or constructive purposes.
If we constantly suppress our anger and the energy it builds up, we will eventually destroy ourselves. Unreleased stress in the body has been linked to all kinds of physical problems. In his book, None of These Diseases, physician S. I. McMillen gives numerous illustrations of the serious consequences that anger and other strong emotions can have on the body.
3. This, of course, is in keeping with the many biblical statements about the beneficial consequences that pleasant emotions can have on our physical well-being and the numerous biblical warnings about the debilitating effects of negative emotions on our bodies.
A tranquil heart is life to the body, But passion is rottenness to the bones.
(Prov. 14:30) When the heart is sad, the spirit is broken. (Prov. 15:13) A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones. (Prov. 17:22). A broken spirit who can bear . . . ? (Prov. 18:14) In section 1 of his book The Christian Counselor’s Medical Desk Reference,
4. Physician Robert Smith writes about some biblical principles for promoting good physical health. On pages 3 to 25, he quotes numerous Bible verses that both describe the principles of good health and delineate possible causes of bad health.
To illustrate the effect that sinful emotions may have on our bodies, I will include a few statements from various parts of the book that draw a possible connection between our emotions and poor health. There are some specific effects of sin and disobedience on the body and health.
5. Responses to various circumstances may themselves produce symptoms of sickness.
6. Anger sends impulses to the intestine, stimulating . . . cramping and spasm. The result is more pain . . . in sixty to eighty percent of patients, responses to problems of life have produced physical symptoms.
7. Some headaches are due to muscle soreness resulting from holding the body rigid when under the pressure of solving problems. If any number of unbiblical responses to those difficulties such as irritation, resentment, or sinful anger are added, the headache may become worse.
8. Throughout the book, Dr. Smith explains how the experience of sinful anger along with other sinful emotions can have a negative effect on our bodies. So, when we suppress our anger and fail to deal with it biblically, we run the risk of not only displeasing God but also bringing upon ourselves all kinds of physical problems. Suppression of anger, therefore, is not the answer to the sinful anger problem.
Conversely, it’s also true that just letting it all come out, “blowing our top,” and engaging in the practice that psychologists call venting is not the answer. Most importantly, ventilating is not the answer because God warns against this practice (see Prov. 16:32; 29:11; Eph. 4:26–27, 31). Still further, “blowing your top” is not the answer because doing so will destroy other people and our relationships with them.
Eventually, we may find ourselves alone and thinking that no one cares about us anymore. And if we take time to think about why nobody cares, we will often find that it’s because of the hostile way in which we have treated them. Instead of using the energy created by our anger to destroy people, we should use that energy in a constructive way to deal with problems. In the next chapter, I will expand on this concept of making anger a positive force in your life and relationships and will describe a biblically consistent procedure for doing this very thing.
Meanwhile, after reading this chapter and completing the previous application exercises, conclude your study of this chapter by answering the following questions.
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What is the fourth aspect of learning to be good and angry presented in this chapter?
What does the statement about harnessing the energy created by our anger mean? What two wrong ways of handling our anger are discussed in this section?
What are the consequences of handling our anger in either of these two ways?
Choose one or two verses mentioned in this section that deal with overcoming sinful anger and write them out. Reflect over the material presented in this chapter and write out the principles (the ideas or concepts) that you thought were the most important, helpful, encouraging, and convicting. How will you use this material in your own life or in your ministry to others?