Anger & Stress Management God’s Way
WHEN IS ANGER WRONG?
Chapter 2
"WHEN IS ANGER WRONG?
Controlling anger is usually a lifelong struggle. From the temper tantrums of young children to the moody sulking of teens to the resentful bitterness of adults, sinful anger is generally a constant in our lives to some degree—it changes forms, perhaps, but is never overcome completely.
Proverbs 14:29 teaches that it requires wisdom to control our anger. “He who is slow to anger has great understanding.” In this chapter, we will learn several more characteristics of sinful anger. In the next chapters, we will consider what God’s solution to our problem is.
OUR ANGER IS SINFUL WHEN IT INVOLVES BROODING OR FRETTING
Brooding or fretting is a common reaction when something occurs that we did not want to happen or something does not occur that we did want to happen.
Psalm 37 could be called the “Fretter’s Psalm.” Three times in the first eight verses of this psalm, God says, “Do not fret.” Verses 1 and 7 describe circumstances in which we are prone to fret—when evil men do evil things—and verse 8 gives us a reason why we should not fret.
It says, “Cease from anger and forsake wrath; do not fret; it leads only to evildoing.” Fret is not a word that we use much anymore, but it means to constantly think through distressing events in one’s mind while giving those events a negative slant.
To put it in the words of Proverbs 30:33, fretting involves churning your displeasure into anger in the same way that milk is churned into butter. It means constantly dwelling on some personal slight until what started as a small annoyance is built up into an enormous offense."
"In other words, if we were to think of our minds as a stereo, churning our anger means that, in our minds, we are playing the recording of an offense—what someone did or said to us that angered us—over and over and over again. And every time we play it over in our minds, the recording gets a little louder and a little stronger.
Eventually, that one recording is ingrained in our minds to the point that it plays by itself, without deliberate thought. At the end of Proverbs 30:33, God says, “So the churning of anger produces strife.” He is warning us that churning our anger, or fretting, only leads to sin and more conflict.
The teaching of these verses in the Psalms and Proverbs parallels the teaching in Ephesians 4:26–27. God says, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.” In other words, we are commanded not to carry our troubles from one day into the next.
Satan loves to see us stew over the wrongs that have been done to us, but God wants us to put them behind us so we are not tempted to sin. Indeed, I have had men in my counseling room who were still brooding and fretting over something that their wives did to them two or three decades ago!
These events continued to be sources of irritation to them not days, but years later. They had never given up their anger, and it was actively eroding their marriages as much in the present as when the events had first occurred. These men were doing what Proverbs 30:33 condemns: churning their anger into strife.
Many people who have been offended or hurt by someone will do this kind of churning and fretting. Like all sin, over time it begins to control their thinking. God says that this is sinful anger.
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What was meant by the statement that sinful anger is characterized by the practice of brooding or fretting?
What happens when we brood or fret over what does or does not happen to us? Have you personally dealt with your anger in this way?
When?
In what circumstances or situations?
Write out one of the verses in this section that describes this kind of anger."
"OUR ANGER IS SINFUL WHEN WE KEEP A RUNNING RECORD OF HOW WE HAVE BEEN MISTREATED"
First Corinthians 13:5 says that love does not keep a record of wrongs that have been done to it. Some time ago, a husband and wife came to me for counseling. They had been separated for a period of time and were now trying to put their marriage back together. As is usually the case, the husband was very ready to tell me about the wrongs his wife had done, and the wife was eager to tell me about the wrongs her husband had done.
In fact, this woman said to me, “If you want, next week I’ll bring my notebook. I’ve kept a daily record for the last three years of the wrongs that my husband has done to me.” Imagine that! No wonder this woman had bitterness and resentment toward her husband! No wonder the marriage was breaking down!
Every day she recorded all the wrong things her husband had done. She reviewed her list during her daily devotions, which were in the same notebook. She thought she had built up a good case against her husband and his sinfulness. Needless to say, what that woman was doing was wrong.
We are harboring sinful anger whenever we become resentful or bear a grudge. Leviticus 19:18 says, “You shall not . . . bear any grudge against the sons of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself.” In Mark 6, as we noted earlier, Herodias “had it in” for John the Baptist.
She held a grudge against him because of what he had said about her lifestyle. In her heart, there was resentment and anger that she never forgot. Bearing a grudge against another person, whoever it may be, is sinful anger. Keeping a record of wrongs leads quickly to bitterness.
Hebrews 12:15 speaks of a “root of bitterness.” In other words, this type of anger is not a simple, surface matter. It becomes a root that is deeply ingrained in our lives. The verse warns us that if this root is in us, it could cause “many to be defiled.” We will defile ourselves, and we will defile others as well, by our bitter anger.
I have seen parents whose bitterness against other people has been a destructive example to their children. Their bitterness allowed the Devil to gain a foothold in their children’s lives. Sadly, parents can pass their bitterness on to their children.
We who are parents ought to check our own lives carefully if we find that our children are becoming grudge-holders. Our own attitudes—both good and bad—are models for our children. A poor example or a serious provocation is not an excuse, however, for becoming bitter.
I counseled a man whose wife had left him and who had every reason—by the world’s standards—to be bitter toward his wife. After she left him, she deliberately did things to humiliate and anger him. She ran around with another man, going to places where she knew her husband would be. She gave him every opportunity to resent her.
This man had to deal with some tremendous provocations to anger. He acknowledged that there were times when he really wanted to deal with this other man and with his wife in a nasty way. By the grace of God, he was able to control himself. Nevertheless, I admonished him to be very careful that bitterness and resentment not be allowed to grow in his heart. I warned him that God would not allow him to hold grudges against his wife or the other man (see Eph. 4:31).
If he did, not only would he displease God and harm himself, but his children would be affected and injured as well. The Bible seems to indicate that bitterness is a special problem for husbands. In Colossians 3:19, it says, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.”
It can be easy for a man to become embittered against his wife for many reasons: she may not cooperate with him at times, she may not express affection as he prefers, she may not spend money the way he would like her to, she may not come to him for advice or follow his counsel, she may not support his ideas about handling certain situations, she may not be as excited about the things that excite him as he would like her to be, she may contradict him before the children or in the presence of other people, or she may not follow through on doing the things he has asked her to do.
God knows that it’s easy for a man to allow himself to become embittered for these reasons and for many more. So He expressly warns men against this sin. He gave this command in the context of family relationships because a man’s bitterness will affect not only himself, but his wife and his children also. There are many bitter, resentful people in the world.
The Bible says, “Let all bitterness . . . be put away from you, along with all malice” (Eph. 4:31). We are clearly commanded to put aside all bitterness, regardless of its source. This means that keeping a record of wrongs, a practice that always produces bitterness, is a characteristic of sinful anger.
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What was meant by the statement that sinful anger is connected to keeping a record of wrongs?
What happens when we keep a record of wrongs?
Have you personally dealt with your anger in this way?
When?
In what circumstances or situations?
Write out one of the verses in this section that describes this kind of anger.
OUR ANGER IS SINFUL WHEN WE PRETEND THAT WE ARE NOT ANGRY
Ephesians 4:25 says, “Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor.” James 5:16 admonishes, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another.” How often we are liars in this matter of anger! Our spouse or friend comes to us and says, “Is something wrong? Are you upset with me?” and we lie, “No, I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong.”
Many times I have said to husbands and wives who I’m counseling, “You are an angry person. You are filled with bitterness against your spouse.” They respond, “Me? I’m not angry! I’m not bitter!” Even as they say the words, their faces become red and their fists clench. Some of them have almost pounded on my desk and declared, “I’m not angry!”
They lie about their anger, and then they wonder why they have ulcers, heart palpitations, high blood pressure, and other physical problems. They wonder why they so easily lose their cool. Worse yet, they cannot figure out why they no longer get anything out of the Word of God, why their pastors’ messages no longer speak to them, and why their prayer lives are so ineffective.
For example, consider a woman who has come in for counseling. She claims to have an abusive husband and says that she is afraid of him. “He has an explosive temper,” she says. To prevent her from going on and on about her husband in a general, disparaging, and unwholesome way that will help neither her nor the situation, I make an attempt to direct the conversation to something that will be more constructive.
I tell her that I understand she has been hurt by what she has experienced and that I’m here to help her find God’s help for handling a very difficult situation. I remind her that God is able to make all grace abound to her so that she, having all sufficiency in all things, might abound unto every good work (see 2 Cor. 9:8). I refer to the fact that God will be faithful to her in whatever situation she finds herself and that He has promised to make a way of escape so that she will be able to bear it (see 1 Cor. 10:13). I inform her that I want to help her find that way of escape and that, to do so, I will want to ask her some questions.
I make it as clear as possible that I would like her to be as concise and factual as possible in the answers that she gives, and that my purpose for asking her these several questions is to gain information so that I might be able to guide her in constructively handling the pressures she is facing.
I then ask her to describe as factually as possible some specific examples of instances when she has been mistreated. “Please give me a description of what happened. Where did it happen? When did it happen? What did you do before it happened? How did you respond when it happened? Describe your verbal and behavioral response. What did you actually say? What did you actually do?”
Over a period of time, as I counsel her, I discover that she is not responding in a biblically constructive way. I know that her husband is responsible before God for what he did to provoke the problem, but I also know that she is responsible before God for prolonging the problem by her unbiblical response.
There are some people who provoke trouble, and there are others who prolong trouble. In either case, whether a person is a provoker or a prolonger, that person is sinning. We’ve all heard the saying, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” The Bible says, “All of you be harmonious . . . and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead” (1 Peter 3:8–9).
If someone sins against us, he is wrong; but if we respond sinfully, we are wrong as well. The other person’s sin does not excuse our own. In our example, this woman is sinning in her response to her husband’s sins against her. She claims to not be angry with him, but her bitter and complaining words give away the truth.
I make it clear to her that if her husband did, and is doing, what she described, he was sinning against her. I flat-out tell her that he has no justification for treating her the way she says he has; I indicate that being treated the way that she described would be a great trial. I do everything I can to be as gentle and non-condemning as I can.
Then, I gently and tactfully ask her to tell me how she thinks God would have her respond to that kind of treatment. I ask her if she can think of any Bible verses that might provide direction for her in a situation like this. When she can’t think of any, I suggest that we turn to several passages of Scripture that provide relevant guidance.
We turn to such passages as Proverbs 15:1, 18; Romans 12:14–21; Ephesians 4:29–31; and Colossians 4:6. Then we carefully talk about what God would say about the biblical way of handling difficult situations. At this point, in spite of the careful way I have tried to avoid being heavy-handed or coming across in an insensitive way, she immediately responds, “You don’t live where I live! You don’t understand my situation! You’re not experiencing what I’m experiencing! You’re saying that I’m wrong. You’re saying it’s all my fault! I’m not the one who is doing wrong in this situation. My husband is the only one who is responsible for this mess.”
She refuses to acknowledge that she has done anything wrong and that there is any way in which she needs to change. Then, having released her anger, she gets up and storms out of my office. What has she done? With her words and actions, she gave me a perfect example of how she has most likely behaved with her husband. She is a bitter, angry woman, but she refuses to admit it.
Sadly, she will never solve her own problem, or do God’s will to solve the problems in her marriage, until she stops shifting all the blame to her husband. She will never make any progress until she can say, “My husband is wrong in what he’s doing. He is responsible for any of his attitudes and behaviors that are unbiblical.
But, as Matthew 7:2–5 reminds me, I’m responsible for my attitudes and behavior also, and I need to first acknowledge and deal with what is unbiblical in my own life. And, with God’s help, I can bear what is coming my way and can find a way of escape. By God’s grace I can learn to return good for evil and can refrain from reviling when I’m reviled, from insulting when I’m insulted.
I can learn to bless when I’m cursed” (see Rom. 12:21; 1 Peter 3:8–13). We are handling our anger sinfully whenever we justify our bitterness and resentment or when we pretend that we are not angry. In my life, when I find myself getting angry, I have found it very helpful to say, “Wayne, you are getting angry, and your anger is your responsibility, not someone else’s.
No one can crawl inside you and make you angry. All they can do is provide the context in which you become angry. Wayne, if you become angry, you get all the credit for that anger. Your anger is coming from inside you, not from the outside.” To control my anger, I must recognize and acknowledge its presence and not play justification or denial games.
I must put away lying and speak truth to myself, refusing to use euphemisms that tend to lessen the seriousness of my anger. I must recognize that, though there are degrees of anger, every instance of anger that is connected to the things we have mentioned in this chapter is a variation of the same emotion and that every instance stems from the same root.
In degree, one experience of anger may be different from another, but in kind they’re all the same. In other words, I must recognize that to be hurt or upset or slightly annoyed is different only in degree from being furious or enraged. I must understand that whether I’m slightly annoyed or am infuriated, I’m handling the pressures of life in an ungodly way.
Having done that, I find it helpful to go on to say, “Lord, you already know that I’m angry for the wrong reasons”—some of which have been mentioned in this chapter—“and am being tempted to respond to it and express it in ungodly ways.
I’m confessing this to you and to myself. I take full responsibility. Please forgive me and help me to understand what would be a godly response, and then help me to actually respond in a biblically constructive way.”
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What was meant by the statement that sinful anger is characterized by denial? What happens when we deny our anger?
Have you personally dealt with your anger in this way?
When?
In what circumstances or situations?
Write out one of the verses in this section that describes this kind of anger.
OUR ANGER IS SINFUL WHEN WE RETURN EVIL FOR EVIL OR ATTACK THE PERSON WITH WHOM WE ARE ANGRY
Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool always loses his temper.” Proverbs 29:22 adds, “And a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression.” Proverbs 12:16 states, “A fool’s anger is known at once.” When people have this kind of anger (the kind that Cain exhibited in Genesis 4, when he attacked and killed his brother Abel), everyone knows it immediately, because they cannot contain this anger.
These people give vent to their anger as soon as they feel it, and they do so in one of three ways.
One, these people may express their anger verbally. In 1 Samuel 20, Saul did this to his son Jonathan. The Bible says, “Then Saul’s anger burned against Jonathan and he said to him, ‘You son of a perverse, rebellious woman! Do I not know that you are choosing the son of Jesse to your own shame . . . ?’” (v. 30).
Certainly this was not a very nice thing to say to his own son. Saul was known for having a very short fuse and a violent temper. Some children become very good at expressing their anger this way. Perhaps, if they’re bigger than everyone else, they will bully others verbally when they’re angry just because they can.
Or maybe they’re smaller than everyone else, and so they use angry words to make themselves seem as big and strong as they would like to be. Big or small, these children learn sinful patterns of response to their anger. They learn that when they yell louder than their parents, siblings, or classmates, they get their way.
When they become adults, the pattern is ingrained, and they’re still exploding verbally at others.
Two, some people express their anger passively. Some women, for instance, realize that they will not get their way by yelling louder. Their parents can always yell louder than they can, so little girls, and sometimes boys as well, learn to retreat.
They go to their rooms, pouting and stewing. Their complete lack of a verbal response is actually an expression of their anger. As adults, they retreat into silence whenever they’re upset.
They refuse to talk, shutting the offending person out and “punishing” him by ignoring him. Their silence is a form of passive revenge for the hurt they have experienced.
Three, some people express their anger physically. When they’re angry, they shove, kick, push, bite, and scratch. These days, we often hear about women who are physically abused by their husbands. In many cases, when I counsel people about marriage problems, this is one of the problems that turns up.
However, I have seen a number of cases in which a wife has physically abused her husband. In fact, not long ago, a physician came to my office and said, “I’m afraid to stay in my home. The other night, I was taking a nap on my bed and my wife came in with her big pocketbook and whacked me with it!” This man told me that his wife had thrown lamps and plates at him. He was literally afraid for his life, and both of them claimed to be Christians.
As we all know, physical abuse in families is not confined to just husbands and wives. Parents sometimes abuse their children, and in recent years there has been a significant increase in cases of children acting out their anger physically toward their parents.
Parents have been shot and killed by their own children. Sadly, this type of thing goes on even in the homes of some professing Christians. Vengeful anger is a dangerous, destructive sin no matter how it is expressed toward others. Several years ago, a young man came to me for counseling who was what a secular psychiatrist would have diagnosed as “paranoid schizophrenic.”
He seemed to be afraid of everything and had a glassy stare and strange mannerisms. He told me that he had regularly sniffed gasoline years earlier. Through our counseling sessions, however, I discovered something much more significant.
When he was a young boy, other kids had frequently picked on this man because of his small size. This caused his mind to be dominated by fear. In his estimation, everyone was mocking him. Everyone was his enemy, and bitterness and resentment began to grow in his heart toward everyone and everything.
Eventually it affected the way he perceived complete strangers. Because of his childhood fear, he imagined that everyone was out to get him. One day, he came into my office and told me that he had cast death spells on his old high school classmates. What was this young man doing? In his own way, he was expressing his sinful anger. He was avenging the wrong that he felt had been done to him.
We may not go to such extremes, but whenever we lash out verbally, passively, or physically against others, we are handling our anger in a sinful way.
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What did the statement mean that our anger is sinful when we return evil for evil or attack the person with whom we are angry?
Give some biblical or contemporary examples of this kind of sinful anger.
Give some examples of times when you have personally expressed your anger in this way.
What happens when we express our anger in this way?
Write out one of the verses in this section that describes this kind of anger.
OUR ANGER IS SINFUL WHEN WE ATTACK OR HURT A SUBSTITUTE
I believe this is what Saul did to Jonathan in 1 Samuel 20. Saul was really angry with David, not with Jonathan, but he took it out on his son because he was closer. I believe it is what Moses did in Exodus 32, when he saw the sin of the Israelites. He became angry and smashed the tablets of stone that God had just given him.
I believe this is also what Moses did in Numbers 20, when he struck the rock. Moses was angry with the people for grumbling and complaining, so he took his anger out on the rock as a substitute. It was sinful anger, and God punished Moses for it by not allowing him to enter the Promised Land.
A couple came to me for counseling because the husband had been hitting his wife. Through our time together, I discovered that this man was harboring a great deal of resentment against his mother. His mother had been the dominant figure in his home. She had run his father’s life, and she had run his life. More than that, he believed that his mother had rejected him because, among other things, she had sent him to live with his grandmother for long periods of time.
This caused him to think he was a bother to her. He carried this deep, bitter resentment of his mother into his marriage. When his wife did something that reminded him of his mother—when she seemed to be bossy and domineering—he would often punch her in the mouth. His reaction was an angry response not only to his wife but, in a sense, to his mother as well.
The anger that he expressed toward his wife was in some ways a substitute for the anger that he wanted to express toward his mother. A similar example would be a man who, when he has a problem at work with his boss, comes home and takes it out on his family. He yells at his wife, or is nasty with his children, or kicks the dog.
If he were not already upset with his boss, the things that his wife or children do or don’t do would not upset him as much, or perhaps at all. He really attacks them as a substitute for his boss.
Some secular psychologists and psychiatrists encourage a practice that is called “venting.” If they have a client who is angry or resentful toward someone else—perhaps a mother or father—they might hand the client a pillow and encourage him to do to the pillow what he would like to do to the person with whom he is upset. If the client makes a halfhearted go of it, these professionals would encourage him, “
You’re angrier than that! Hit harder! Let your anger out!” They would cheer the client on in his rage to the point that he loses control and beats the pillow to rags. This may be a recommended method of dealing with anger but, in fact, it leads only to sin, not to a solution to the problem.
The Word of God says, “You have heard that the ancients were told, ‘You shall not commit murder’ and ‘Whoever commits murder shall be liable to the court.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court” (Matt. 5:21–22). Abusing another person in our hearts and minds is just as sinful and wrong, as far as God is concerned, as abusing them physically.
Another practice among secular psychologists and psychiatrists—and even some Christian ones—is something called “transference.” In this method of dealing with anger, the counselor will try to take the place of the person with whom the client is upset. The counselor might say, “Pretend I’m your mom and tell me everything you would like to tell her. Let me really have it!” Again, what the counselor is doing is encouraging the client to attack a substitute.
I’m convinced that this is a sinful expression of anger. God never encourages us to attack a substitute, or to “transfer” our anger to another person, or to “vent” our anger on something else. As we saw in the examples from Scripture, God punished this kind of thing in His servant Moses’ life.
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What was meant by the statement that our anger is sinful when we attack a substitute?
What happens when we attack a substitute?
Have you personally dealt with your anger in this way?
When?
In what circumstances or situations?
What biblical examples of this kind of anger were found in this section?
All types of anger that we have studied in this chapter and the previous one are sinful expressions of anger. They’re all a part of the anger, bitterness, and wrath that Ephesians 4:31 says we must put off. They’re all sinful, God-dishonoring, and people-destroying ways of responding to the pressures and problems of life.
As such, God wants us to expunge them from our lives. In order to do this, we must first carefully consider which types of anger we are most prone to express. Before continuing to the next chapter, go back over your answers to the application questions and summarize what you have learned about the kinds of anger that you need to put off.
Acknowledge your sinful propensities to God, to family members, and to close friends. Ask God and others whom you have wronged for forgiveness. Seek His help and the help of the people to whom you have acknowledged your sin. Commit yourself to learning a new, godly way of responding to the pressures and problems of life.
Complete the concluding application exercise that follows this paragraph. In the next two chapters we will present important principles for learning how to be good and angry. In other words, we will present practical information on how to make anger a constructive force in your life experience.
— CONCLUDING APPLICATION EXERCISE —
Write out your summary of the most important truths about sinful anger that were presented in this chapter. Are you or any of your family members guilty of any of the forms of sinful anger described in this chapter? Begin by evaluating yourself.
Specifically identify the ways in which you have been guilty (see Matt. 7:2–5). Then go on to evaluate other family members (see Gal. 6:1–2). What will you do to change these sinful responses? How can you help family members to overcome their sinful anger patterns?"
Controlling anger is usually a lifelong struggle. From the temper tantrums of young children to the moody sulking of teens to the resentful bitterness of adults, sinful anger is generally a constant in our lives to some degree—it changes forms, perhaps, but is never overcome completely.
Proverbs 14:29 teaches that it requires wisdom to control our anger. “He who is slow to anger has great understanding.” In this chapter, we will learn several more characteristics of sinful anger. In the next chapters, we will consider what God’s solution to our problem is.
OUR ANGER IS SINFUL WHEN IT INVOLVES BROODING OR FRETTING
Brooding or fretting is a common reaction when something occurs that we did not want to happen or something does not occur that we did want to happen.
Psalm 37 could be called the “Fretter’s Psalm.” Three times in the first eight verses of this psalm, God says, “Do not fret.” Verses 1 and 7 describe circumstances in which we are prone to fret—when evil men do evil things—and verse 8 gives us a reason why we should not fret.
It says, “Cease from anger and forsake wrath; do not fret; it leads only to evildoing.” Fret is not a word that we use much anymore, but it means to constantly think through distressing events in one’s mind while giving those events a negative slant.
To put it in the words of Proverbs 30:33, fretting involves churning your displeasure into anger in the same way that milk is churned into butter. It means constantly dwelling on some personal slight until what started as a small annoyance is built up into an enormous offense."
"In other words, if we were to think of our minds as a stereo, churning our anger means that, in our minds, we are playing the recording of an offense—what someone did or said to us that angered us—over and over and over again. And every time we play it over in our minds, the recording gets a little louder and a little stronger.
Eventually, that one recording is ingrained in our minds to the point that it plays by itself, without deliberate thought. At the end of Proverbs 30:33, God says, “So the churning of anger produces strife.” He is warning us that churning our anger, or fretting, only leads to sin and more conflict.
The teaching of these verses in the Psalms and Proverbs parallels the teaching in Ephesians 4:26–27. God says, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.” In other words, we are commanded not to carry our troubles from one day into the next.
Satan loves to see us stew over the wrongs that have been done to us, but God wants us to put them behind us so we are not tempted to sin. Indeed, I have had men in my counseling room who were still brooding and fretting over something that their wives did to them two or three decades ago!
These events continued to be sources of irritation to them not days, but years later. They had never given up their anger, and it was actively eroding their marriages as much in the present as when the events had first occurred. These men were doing what Proverbs 30:33 condemns: churning their anger into strife.
Many people who have been offended or hurt by someone will do this kind of churning and fretting. Like all sin, over time it begins to control their thinking. God says that this is sinful anger.
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What was meant by the statement that sinful anger is characterized by the practice of brooding or fretting?
What happens when we brood or fret over what does or does not happen to us? Have you personally dealt with your anger in this way?
When?
In what circumstances or situations?
Write out one of the verses in this section that describes this kind of anger."
"OUR ANGER IS SINFUL WHEN WE KEEP A RUNNING RECORD OF HOW WE HAVE BEEN MISTREATED"
First Corinthians 13:5 says that love does not keep a record of wrongs that have been done to it. Some time ago, a husband and wife came to me for counseling. They had been separated for a period of time and were now trying to put their marriage back together. As is usually the case, the husband was very ready to tell me about the wrongs his wife had done, and the wife was eager to tell me about the wrongs her husband had done.
In fact, this woman said to me, “If you want, next week I’ll bring my notebook. I’ve kept a daily record for the last three years of the wrongs that my husband has done to me.” Imagine that! No wonder this woman had bitterness and resentment toward her husband! No wonder the marriage was breaking down!
Every day she recorded all the wrong things her husband had done. She reviewed her list during her daily devotions, which were in the same notebook. She thought she had built up a good case against her husband and his sinfulness. Needless to say, what that woman was doing was wrong.
We are harboring sinful anger whenever we become resentful or bear a grudge. Leviticus 19:18 says, “You shall not . . . bear any grudge against the sons of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself.” In Mark 6, as we noted earlier, Herodias “had it in” for John the Baptist.
She held a grudge against him because of what he had said about her lifestyle. In her heart, there was resentment and anger that she never forgot. Bearing a grudge against another person, whoever it may be, is sinful anger. Keeping a record of wrongs leads quickly to bitterness.
Hebrews 12:15 speaks of a “root of bitterness.” In other words, this type of anger is not a simple, surface matter. It becomes a root that is deeply ingrained in our lives. The verse warns us that if this root is in us, it could cause “many to be defiled.” We will defile ourselves, and we will defile others as well, by our bitter anger.
I have seen parents whose bitterness against other people has been a destructive example to their children. Their bitterness allowed the Devil to gain a foothold in their children’s lives. Sadly, parents can pass their bitterness on to their children.
We who are parents ought to check our own lives carefully if we find that our children are becoming grudge-holders. Our own attitudes—both good and bad—are models for our children. A poor example or a serious provocation is not an excuse, however, for becoming bitter.
I counseled a man whose wife had left him and who had every reason—by the world’s standards—to be bitter toward his wife. After she left him, she deliberately did things to humiliate and anger him. She ran around with another man, going to places where she knew her husband would be. She gave him every opportunity to resent her.
This man had to deal with some tremendous provocations to anger. He acknowledged that there were times when he really wanted to deal with this other man and with his wife in a nasty way. By the grace of God, he was able to control himself. Nevertheless, I admonished him to be very careful that bitterness and resentment not be allowed to grow in his heart. I warned him that God would not allow him to hold grudges against his wife or the other man (see Eph. 4:31).
If he did, not only would he displease God and harm himself, but his children would be affected and injured as well. The Bible seems to indicate that bitterness is a special problem for husbands. In Colossians 3:19, it says, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.”
It can be easy for a man to become embittered against his wife for many reasons: she may not cooperate with him at times, she may not express affection as he prefers, she may not spend money the way he would like her to, she may not come to him for advice or follow his counsel, she may not support his ideas about handling certain situations, she may not be as excited about the things that excite him as he would like her to be, she may contradict him before the children or in the presence of other people, or she may not follow through on doing the things he has asked her to do.
God knows that it’s easy for a man to allow himself to become embittered for these reasons and for many more. So He expressly warns men against this sin. He gave this command in the context of family relationships because a man’s bitterness will affect not only himself, but his wife and his children also. There are many bitter, resentful people in the world.
The Bible says, “Let all bitterness . . . be put away from you, along with all malice” (Eph. 4:31). We are clearly commanded to put aside all bitterness, regardless of its source. This means that keeping a record of wrongs, a practice that always produces bitterness, is a characteristic of sinful anger.
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What was meant by the statement that sinful anger is connected to keeping a record of wrongs?
What happens when we keep a record of wrongs?
Have you personally dealt with your anger in this way?
When?
In what circumstances or situations?
Write out one of the verses in this section that describes this kind of anger.
OUR ANGER IS SINFUL WHEN WE PRETEND THAT WE ARE NOT ANGRY
Ephesians 4:25 says, “Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor.” James 5:16 admonishes, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another.” How often we are liars in this matter of anger! Our spouse or friend comes to us and says, “Is something wrong? Are you upset with me?” and we lie, “No, I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong.”
Many times I have said to husbands and wives who I’m counseling, “You are an angry person. You are filled with bitterness against your spouse.” They respond, “Me? I’m not angry! I’m not bitter!” Even as they say the words, their faces become red and their fists clench. Some of them have almost pounded on my desk and declared, “I’m not angry!”
They lie about their anger, and then they wonder why they have ulcers, heart palpitations, high blood pressure, and other physical problems. They wonder why they so easily lose their cool. Worse yet, they cannot figure out why they no longer get anything out of the Word of God, why their pastors’ messages no longer speak to them, and why their prayer lives are so ineffective.
For example, consider a woman who has come in for counseling. She claims to have an abusive husband and says that she is afraid of him. “He has an explosive temper,” she says. To prevent her from going on and on about her husband in a general, disparaging, and unwholesome way that will help neither her nor the situation, I make an attempt to direct the conversation to something that will be more constructive.
I tell her that I understand she has been hurt by what she has experienced and that I’m here to help her find God’s help for handling a very difficult situation. I remind her that God is able to make all grace abound to her so that she, having all sufficiency in all things, might abound unto every good work (see 2 Cor. 9:8). I refer to the fact that God will be faithful to her in whatever situation she finds herself and that He has promised to make a way of escape so that she will be able to bear it (see 1 Cor. 10:13). I inform her that I want to help her find that way of escape and that, to do so, I will want to ask her some questions.
I make it as clear as possible that I would like her to be as concise and factual as possible in the answers that she gives, and that my purpose for asking her these several questions is to gain information so that I might be able to guide her in constructively handling the pressures she is facing.
I then ask her to describe as factually as possible some specific examples of instances when she has been mistreated. “Please give me a description of what happened. Where did it happen? When did it happen? What did you do before it happened? How did you respond when it happened? Describe your verbal and behavioral response. What did you actually say? What did you actually do?”
Over a period of time, as I counsel her, I discover that she is not responding in a biblically constructive way. I know that her husband is responsible before God for what he did to provoke the problem, but I also know that she is responsible before God for prolonging the problem by her unbiblical response.
There are some people who provoke trouble, and there are others who prolong trouble. In either case, whether a person is a provoker or a prolonger, that person is sinning. We’ve all heard the saying, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” The Bible says, “All of you be harmonious . . . and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead” (1 Peter 3:8–9).
If someone sins against us, he is wrong; but if we respond sinfully, we are wrong as well. The other person’s sin does not excuse our own. In our example, this woman is sinning in her response to her husband’s sins against her. She claims to not be angry with him, but her bitter and complaining words give away the truth.
I make it clear to her that if her husband did, and is doing, what she described, he was sinning against her. I flat-out tell her that he has no justification for treating her the way she says he has; I indicate that being treated the way that she described would be a great trial. I do everything I can to be as gentle and non-condemning as I can.
Then, I gently and tactfully ask her to tell me how she thinks God would have her respond to that kind of treatment. I ask her if she can think of any Bible verses that might provide direction for her in a situation like this. When she can’t think of any, I suggest that we turn to several passages of Scripture that provide relevant guidance.
We turn to such passages as Proverbs 15:1, 18; Romans 12:14–21; Ephesians 4:29–31; and Colossians 4:6. Then we carefully talk about what God would say about the biblical way of handling difficult situations. At this point, in spite of the careful way I have tried to avoid being heavy-handed or coming across in an insensitive way, she immediately responds, “You don’t live where I live! You don’t understand my situation! You’re not experiencing what I’m experiencing! You’re saying that I’m wrong. You’re saying it’s all my fault! I’m not the one who is doing wrong in this situation. My husband is the only one who is responsible for this mess.”
She refuses to acknowledge that she has done anything wrong and that there is any way in which she needs to change. Then, having released her anger, she gets up and storms out of my office. What has she done? With her words and actions, she gave me a perfect example of how she has most likely behaved with her husband. She is a bitter, angry woman, but she refuses to admit it.
Sadly, she will never solve her own problem, or do God’s will to solve the problems in her marriage, until she stops shifting all the blame to her husband. She will never make any progress until she can say, “My husband is wrong in what he’s doing. He is responsible for any of his attitudes and behaviors that are unbiblical.
But, as Matthew 7:2–5 reminds me, I’m responsible for my attitudes and behavior also, and I need to first acknowledge and deal with what is unbiblical in my own life. And, with God’s help, I can bear what is coming my way and can find a way of escape. By God’s grace I can learn to return good for evil and can refrain from reviling when I’m reviled, from insulting when I’m insulted.
I can learn to bless when I’m cursed” (see Rom. 12:21; 1 Peter 3:8–13). We are handling our anger sinfully whenever we justify our bitterness and resentment or when we pretend that we are not angry. In my life, when I find myself getting angry, I have found it very helpful to say, “Wayne, you are getting angry, and your anger is your responsibility, not someone else’s.
No one can crawl inside you and make you angry. All they can do is provide the context in which you become angry. Wayne, if you become angry, you get all the credit for that anger. Your anger is coming from inside you, not from the outside.” To control my anger, I must recognize and acknowledge its presence and not play justification or denial games.
I must put away lying and speak truth to myself, refusing to use euphemisms that tend to lessen the seriousness of my anger. I must recognize that, though there are degrees of anger, every instance of anger that is connected to the things we have mentioned in this chapter is a variation of the same emotion and that every instance stems from the same root.
In degree, one experience of anger may be different from another, but in kind they’re all the same. In other words, I must recognize that to be hurt or upset or slightly annoyed is different only in degree from being furious or enraged. I must understand that whether I’m slightly annoyed or am infuriated, I’m handling the pressures of life in an ungodly way.
Having done that, I find it helpful to go on to say, “Lord, you already know that I’m angry for the wrong reasons”—some of which have been mentioned in this chapter—“and am being tempted to respond to it and express it in ungodly ways.
I’m confessing this to you and to myself. I take full responsibility. Please forgive me and help me to understand what would be a godly response, and then help me to actually respond in a biblically constructive way.”
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What was meant by the statement that sinful anger is characterized by denial? What happens when we deny our anger?
Have you personally dealt with your anger in this way?
When?
In what circumstances or situations?
Write out one of the verses in this section that describes this kind of anger.
OUR ANGER IS SINFUL WHEN WE RETURN EVIL FOR EVIL OR ATTACK THE PERSON WITH WHOM WE ARE ANGRY
Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool always loses his temper.” Proverbs 29:22 adds, “And a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression.” Proverbs 12:16 states, “A fool’s anger is known at once.” When people have this kind of anger (the kind that Cain exhibited in Genesis 4, when he attacked and killed his brother Abel), everyone knows it immediately, because they cannot contain this anger.
These people give vent to their anger as soon as they feel it, and they do so in one of three ways.
One, these people may express their anger verbally. In 1 Samuel 20, Saul did this to his son Jonathan. The Bible says, “Then Saul’s anger burned against Jonathan and he said to him, ‘You son of a perverse, rebellious woman! Do I not know that you are choosing the son of Jesse to your own shame . . . ?’” (v. 30).
Certainly this was not a very nice thing to say to his own son. Saul was known for having a very short fuse and a violent temper. Some children become very good at expressing their anger this way. Perhaps, if they’re bigger than everyone else, they will bully others verbally when they’re angry just because they can.
Or maybe they’re smaller than everyone else, and so they use angry words to make themselves seem as big and strong as they would like to be. Big or small, these children learn sinful patterns of response to their anger. They learn that when they yell louder than their parents, siblings, or classmates, they get their way.
When they become adults, the pattern is ingrained, and they’re still exploding verbally at others.
Two, some people express their anger passively. Some women, for instance, realize that they will not get their way by yelling louder. Their parents can always yell louder than they can, so little girls, and sometimes boys as well, learn to retreat.
They go to their rooms, pouting and stewing. Their complete lack of a verbal response is actually an expression of their anger. As adults, they retreat into silence whenever they’re upset.
They refuse to talk, shutting the offending person out and “punishing” him by ignoring him. Their silence is a form of passive revenge for the hurt they have experienced.
Three, some people express their anger physically. When they’re angry, they shove, kick, push, bite, and scratch. These days, we often hear about women who are physically abused by their husbands. In many cases, when I counsel people about marriage problems, this is one of the problems that turns up.
However, I have seen a number of cases in which a wife has physically abused her husband. In fact, not long ago, a physician came to my office and said, “I’m afraid to stay in my home. The other night, I was taking a nap on my bed and my wife came in with her big pocketbook and whacked me with it!” This man told me that his wife had thrown lamps and plates at him. He was literally afraid for his life, and both of them claimed to be Christians.
As we all know, physical abuse in families is not confined to just husbands and wives. Parents sometimes abuse their children, and in recent years there has been a significant increase in cases of children acting out their anger physically toward their parents.
Parents have been shot and killed by their own children. Sadly, this type of thing goes on even in the homes of some professing Christians. Vengeful anger is a dangerous, destructive sin no matter how it is expressed toward others. Several years ago, a young man came to me for counseling who was what a secular psychiatrist would have diagnosed as “paranoid schizophrenic.”
He seemed to be afraid of everything and had a glassy stare and strange mannerisms. He told me that he had regularly sniffed gasoline years earlier. Through our counseling sessions, however, I discovered something much more significant.
When he was a young boy, other kids had frequently picked on this man because of his small size. This caused his mind to be dominated by fear. In his estimation, everyone was mocking him. Everyone was his enemy, and bitterness and resentment began to grow in his heart toward everyone and everything.
Eventually it affected the way he perceived complete strangers. Because of his childhood fear, he imagined that everyone was out to get him. One day, he came into my office and told me that he had cast death spells on his old high school classmates. What was this young man doing? In his own way, he was expressing his sinful anger. He was avenging the wrong that he felt had been done to him.
We may not go to such extremes, but whenever we lash out verbally, passively, or physically against others, we are handling our anger in a sinful way.
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What did the statement mean that our anger is sinful when we return evil for evil or attack the person with whom we are angry?
Give some biblical or contemporary examples of this kind of sinful anger.
Give some examples of times when you have personally expressed your anger in this way.
What happens when we express our anger in this way?
Write out one of the verses in this section that describes this kind of anger.
OUR ANGER IS SINFUL WHEN WE ATTACK OR HURT A SUBSTITUTE
I believe this is what Saul did to Jonathan in 1 Samuel 20. Saul was really angry with David, not with Jonathan, but he took it out on his son because he was closer. I believe it is what Moses did in Exodus 32, when he saw the sin of the Israelites. He became angry and smashed the tablets of stone that God had just given him.
I believe this is also what Moses did in Numbers 20, when he struck the rock. Moses was angry with the people for grumbling and complaining, so he took his anger out on the rock as a substitute. It was sinful anger, and God punished Moses for it by not allowing him to enter the Promised Land.
A couple came to me for counseling because the husband had been hitting his wife. Through our time together, I discovered that this man was harboring a great deal of resentment against his mother. His mother had been the dominant figure in his home. She had run his father’s life, and she had run his life. More than that, he believed that his mother had rejected him because, among other things, she had sent him to live with his grandmother for long periods of time.
This caused him to think he was a bother to her. He carried this deep, bitter resentment of his mother into his marriage. When his wife did something that reminded him of his mother—when she seemed to be bossy and domineering—he would often punch her in the mouth. His reaction was an angry response not only to his wife but, in a sense, to his mother as well.
The anger that he expressed toward his wife was in some ways a substitute for the anger that he wanted to express toward his mother. A similar example would be a man who, when he has a problem at work with his boss, comes home and takes it out on his family. He yells at his wife, or is nasty with his children, or kicks the dog.
If he were not already upset with his boss, the things that his wife or children do or don’t do would not upset him as much, or perhaps at all. He really attacks them as a substitute for his boss.
Some secular psychologists and psychiatrists encourage a practice that is called “venting.” If they have a client who is angry or resentful toward someone else—perhaps a mother or father—they might hand the client a pillow and encourage him to do to the pillow what he would like to do to the person with whom he is upset. If the client makes a halfhearted go of it, these professionals would encourage him, “
You’re angrier than that! Hit harder! Let your anger out!” They would cheer the client on in his rage to the point that he loses control and beats the pillow to rags. This may be a recommended method of dealing with anger but, in fact, it leads only to sin, not to a solution to the problem.
The Word of God says, “You have heard that the ancients were told, ‘You shall not commit murder’ and ‘Whoever commits murder shall be liable to the court.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court” (Matt. 5:21–22). Abusing another person in our hearts and minds is just as sinful and wrong, as far as God is concerned, as abusing them physically.
Another practice among secular psychologists and psychiatrists—and even some Christian ones—is something called “transference.” In this method of dealing with anger, the counselor will try to take the place of the person with whom the client is upset. The counselor might say, “Pretend I’m your mom and tell me everything you would like to tell her. Let me really have it!” Again, what the counselor is doing is encouraging the client to attack a substitute.
I’m convinced that this is a sinful expression of anger. God never encourages us to attack a substitute, or to “transfer” our anger to another person, or to “vent” our anger on something else. As we saw in the examples from Scripture, God punished this kind of thing in His servant Moses’ life.
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What was meant by the statement that our anger is sinful when we attack a substitute?
What happens when we attack a substitute?
Have you personally dealt with your anger in this way?
When?
In what circumstances or situations?
What biblical examples of this kind of anger were found in this section?
All types of anger that we have studied in this chapter and the previous one are sinful expressions of anger. They’re all a part of the anger, bitterness, and wrath that Ephesians 4:31 says we must put off. They’re all sinful, God-dishonoring, and people-destroying ways of responding to the pressures and problems of life.
As such, God wants us to expunge them from our lives. In order to do this, we must first carefully consider which types of anger we are most prone to express. Before continuing to the next chapter, go back over your answers to the application questions and summarize what you have learned about the kinds of anger that you need to put off.
Acknowledge your sinful propensities to God, to family members, and to close friends. Ask God and others whom you have wronged for forgiveness. Seek His help and the help of the people to whom you have acknowledged your sin. Commit yourself to learning a new, godly way of responding to the pressures and problems of life.
Complete the concluding application exercise that follows this paragraph. In the next two chapters we will present important principles for learning how to be good and angry. In other words, we will present practical information on how to make anger a constructive force in your life experience.
— CONCLUDING APPLICATION EXERCISE —
Write out your summary of the most important truths about sinful anger that were presented in this chapter. Are you or any of your family members guilty of any of the forms of sinful anger described in this chapter? Begin by evaluating yourself.
Specifically identify the ways in which you have been guilty (see Matt. 7:2–5). Then go on to evaluate other family members (see Gal. 6:1–2). What will you do to change these sinful responses? How can you help family members to overcome their sinful anger patterns?"