Anger & Stress Management God’s Way
SOMETIMES IT’S RIGHT AND SOMETIMES IT’S WRONG TO BE ANGRY
Chapter 1
Is it always a sin to be angry?
Some people sincerely believe that it’s always a sin to be angry. From childhood, they were taught that it was wrong to express anger in any form. There are other people who seem to believe that anger is never sinful—unless it’s directed at them.
For example, some parents will not tolerate their children expressing anger at them or at each other, but will quickly excuse their own anger toward their children. There are husbands and wives who have one standard for themselves and another standard for their spouses.
A man once told me that his anger against his wife was always justified. These people think that anger is wrong mostly when it’s someone else’s anger, not their own. The truth of the matter is that anger is sometimes sinful and sometimes righteous.
Ephesians 4:31 says, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice” (ESV). In other words, let every kind—all forms—of anger and wrath be put away. Colossians 3:8 teaches the same. “But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth.”
According to these verses, there is a kind of anger that is sinful and must be excluded from the life of a believer. This is the kind of anger that we find in Genesis 4, when Cain became angry with his brother Abel and murdered him. We see it in the life of King Saul, too: in 1 Samuel 18, Saul was angry with David when David did well in battle and was praised by the people.
Later, Saul became angry with his son, Jonathan, for being friends with David (see 1 Sam. 20:30). These were all expressions of sinful anger. In Mark 6:19, we are told that Herodias “had it in” (this is the literal translation from the Greek) for John the Baptist. Because of her sinful anger, John the Baptist was beheaded.
In Acts 7:54, the Jewish leaders were enraged against Stephen. As a result of their sinful anger, they took up stones and killed him. In Acts 23:3, the apostle Paul went before the high priest of the Sanhedrin and said, “God is going to strike you, you whitewashed wall! Do you sit to try me according to the Law, and in violation of the Law order me to be struck?”
The context and Paul’s later confession indicate that this was sinful anger on Paul’s part. As the Bible indicates in these and many other verses, there are times when our anger is sinful. The Bible also teaches that there are times when our anger is not sinful. There are times when it’s proper, righteous, and necessary to be angry.
In the same passage in Ephesians 4 where we are instructed to put aside bitterness, wrath, and anger, we are told that there is a way to be properly angry. Ephesians 4:26 commands us, “Be angry, and yet do not sin.” It’s clear from this verse that there is a kind of anger that is not sinful. These verses do not contradict each other; they are simply teaching us how to handle two different kinds of anger—anger that is sinful and anger that is not sinful.
There are many times in Scripture when God—who cannot sin—is
said to be angry. Psalm 7:11 says, “God . . . has indignation every day.” Exodus 4:14 tells us that the anger of God burned against Moses. Deuteronomy 29:27–28 declares, Therefore, the anger of the LORD burned against that land, to bring upon it every curse which is written in this book; and the Lord uprooted them from their land in anger and in fury and in great wrath, and cast them into another land, as it is this day.
God was extremely angry at the Israelites on this occasion and on others. The gospels of Mark and John describe two situations in which the Lord Jesus, the meek and lowly one, became righteously angry. Mark 3:5 says that He was deeply grieved and became angry because of the Pharisees’ hard hearts. We know that Christ’s anger was sinless—holy and righteous—because “in Him there is no sin” (1 John 3:5).
In John 2:13–17, Jesus angrily drove out the sellers and money changers from the temple courts because zeal for His Father’s house had consumed Him. Acts 17:16 relates an example of righteous anger on the part of the apostle Paul. While ministering in Philippi, Paul had been beaten, falsely accused, and thrown in prison.
His life had been in danger from an earthquake, and he had eventually been thrown out of town (see Acts 16:16–40). From Philippi, Paul went on to minister in two cities and was threatened and chased out of both (see Acts 17:1–15). Paul arrived in Athens alone and had to wait there for his companions, Timothy and Silas, to join him.
We can only assume that Paul arrived in Athens physically and emotionally exhausted. Very likely, he anticipated a time of rest and recovery while waiting for Timothy and Silas. Though this may have been his intention, the Scripture says that “his spirit was being provoked within him as he was observing the city full of idols” (Acts 17:16). The Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words indicates that this phrase means that Paul’s spirit was roused to anger.
1 The Christian Counselor’s New Testament translates the sentence this way: “He was enraged within as he looked at the city filled with images.”
2 In other words, Paul was righteously angry. Another example of righteous anger is found in 2 Corinthians 7:9–11. In his previous letter to the Corinthians, Paul rebuked the people for various sins. In this passage of his second letter to them, Paul describes their response to his first message: I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; . . . for the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation. . . . For behold what earnestness this very thing, this godly sorrow, has produced in you: what vindication of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what avenging of wrong!
The believers in Corinth had responded to Paul’s teaching both in action and in mind. They took steps to avenge their wrongs (to pursue justice within their midst), and they also became sorrowful over their sin to the point of zealous indignation, or anger. Paul commended them for their anger because it was for the right reason and was expressed rightly.
In essence, he said to them, “Good job! I’m glad you became angry over your sin.” The passages that we just looked at clearly indicate that there are two kinds of anger. There is a sinful kind of anger that is destructive and ungodly, and there is a righteous kind of anger that is constructive and godly.
What, then, distinguishes godly anger from ungodly anger? When is our anger sinful and when is it righteous? How can we be sure that our anger is used constructively rather than destructively? To answer these questions, we first need to carefully study the characteristics of sinful anger—anger that is displeasing to God and destructive to us, other people, and other things.
We will study these characteristics throughout the rest of this chapter and all of chapter 2. In chapters 3 and 4, we will consider how to respond to our anger in a way that is godly and constructive.
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What do you think about the idea that anger is sometimes righteous and sometimes sinful?
What biblical statements support the concept of righteous anger?
Which of the two types of anger do you think occurs more frequently?
Which of the two types of anger do you think you experience more frequently? What biblical examples of righteous anger were given in the previous section? WHEN IS OUR ANGER SINFUL? WHAT ARE THE CHARACTERISTICS OF SINFUL ANGER?
Our anger is sinful when we become angry for the wrong reasons. In many cases, our anger is aroused because of our selfishness. Selfish anger is always a sin. Cain’s anger toward his brother Abel was a sinfully selfish anger (see Gen. 4). Cain had not brought a proper sacrifice to the Lord, and when God rejected his offering, Cain became angry with God and jealous of his brother.
His anger stemmed from both selfishness—at God’s rejecting his offering—and jealousy—at his brother’s offering being accepted. When we become angry because someone else is receiving attention or appreciation that we are not, our anger is sinful. If we are honest, we will recognize how frequently we get angry for this reason!
In 1 Kings 21, Ahab became sinfully angry because of his selfishness. Ahab, the king of Israel, wanted to buy the vineyard of a man named Naboth. Naboth refused to sell it, angering King Ahab. The Bible says, “So Ahab came into his house sullen and vexed” (v. 4). In other words, he was depressed (sullen) and angry (vexed).
In my experience with counseling, I have found that depression and anger often go together, as one frequently leads to the other. Ahab was angry because he was denied the vineyard that his heart coveted, and which he thought he had a right to. How often do we become angry because our “rights” have been denied?
Some time ago, I made an effort to be friendly to another person who was riding with me on an elevator. I gave the man standing beside me a cheerful hello and asked him, “How are you doing today?” The man ignored me; he never blinked an eye or acknowledged my greeting. He never answered my question. He just flat-out ignored me. My reaction to his lack of response was a bit of irritation. I thought, “Who does he think he is, treating me like that?”
I interpreted his nonresponse as a put-down and a slap in the face. In my sinful pride, I started to become angry. At the time, I wouldn’t have called it that. If I admitted that I was at all affected by that little episode, I would probably have used some euphemisms such as, “I was hurt, or a little upset, or mildly disturbed, at being snubbed that way.”
After all, I was nice to him. I went out of my way to show an interest in him. I thought I deserved a certain amount of politeness. I never considered that he might have had a lot on his mind, a problem with his hearing, or a severe headache, or that he was reticent to interact with strangers. I just assumed that I had a “right” to be acknowledged, and that he was denying that right.
When I was denied that perceived right, I experienced a mild form of anger. I thought that I had a right to be recognized. I thought I had a right to be treated as though I was worthwhile, as though I was important enough for this man to at least respond to me. That’s what happened with Ahab, and that’s what frequently happens with us.
Though my experience and expression of anger were not as severe as those of Ahab in 1 Kings 21, they were still the same species and had their roots in the same soil of pride and selfishness. That kind of response is sinful, selfish anger. When children fail to do something exactly as their parents want them to, even if their actions are not definitively sinful, parents sometimes become angry.
After all, they think, “Children are supposed to obey and show respect to their parents. And the fact that they didn’t do something exactly as I wanted them to shows disrespect.” Never mind that the Bible says, “Love suffers long and is kind; love . . . is not provoked” (1 Cor. 13:4–5 NKJV). Their children don’t treat them the way they want to be treated.
So they become peeved and upset and openly express their annoyance to their children. When that happens, the parents’ anger has nothing to do with what is best for the children. It’s simply due to the fact that the children are not doing what they want them to do. They become upset because the “rights” they have, as the boss of their home, are being denied. That kind of anger is sinful, selfish anger.
The anger of Herodias against John the Baptist was a sinful, selfish anger. She was upset with John the Baptist because he had told her that she was sinning by living with her husband’s brother.
Herodias did not want to hear the truth about her sinful lifestyle because she felt that she had a “right” to live as she pleased. Likewise, Saul’s anger against David was sinfully selfish. When Saul heard the women singing, “Saul has slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands” (1 Sam. 18:7), the Bible says that Saul, from that time forward, was angry with David.
He was jealous of the praise and recognition that David was getting. His anger was sinfully selfish. How frequently do we become angry when someone else receives more credit than we do? We may think about how regularly we attend church services, how dedicated we are to serving others, how faithfully we teach Sunday school classes week after week, or how much money we give to the work of the church. Then, when someone else is recognized for something in the church more than we are, we respond with sinful, selfish anger. “It’s not fair! I deserve recognition, too!”
In Luke 15:11–32, Jesus told the parable of the prodigal son. In this parable, a young man treated his father unfairly. He demanded his inheritance and then ran away from home with it. He wasted the money on wicked living, quickly using it up. After hitting rock bottom and realizing he had nowhere else to turn, he returned home. His father welcomed him back with open arms, dressed him in fine clothes, and threw a big party to celebrate his son’s return.
But when his older brother found out what his father had done, he became resentful and angry. He refused to even come into the house. Why? He was hurt by his father’s attention to his younger brother and jealous of the honor that he was receiving. In other words, he was selfishly angry.
Our anger is always sinful when it’s caused by our selfishness. Whether we have had our feelings hurt, or we are jealous, or we are not getting recognition, or we believe that our “rights” are being denied—all of these things lead to sinful, selfish anger.
In the application exercise that follows this paragraph, I will include a practical application study from my Homework Manual for Biblical Living that will help to identify how this issue of denied “rights” might be part of an anger problem.
3 — APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What did the statement mean that our anger is sinful when we become angry for the wrong reasons? Identify what, in many cases, arouses our anger and makes it sinful. What does the issue of rights have to do with sinful anger?
Which of the following do you consider to be your “rights”?
º Right to have and control personal belongings
º Right to privacy
º Right to have and express personal opinions
º Right to earn and use money
º Right to plan your own schedule
º Right to get respect from others and be obeyed by others
º Right to have and choose friends
º Right to belong, be loved, and be accepted
º Right to be understood and treated fairly
º Right to make your own decisions and determine your own future
º Right to be successful
º Right to have good health
º Right to date / be married
º Right to have children
º Right to be considered worthwhile and important
º Right to security and safety
º Right to travel
º Right to have the job you want
º Right to a good education
º Right to be a beautiful person and to be desired
º Right to have fun and be free of problems
º Right to raise your children your way
4 Which of these “rights” are you being denied, and by whom? Discern which “rights” you think are being denied or neglected when you start to become angry. Do you think you have a right to be respected, and is that why you are becoming annoyed at someone when that person doesn’t show you respect?
Do you think you have a right to be appreciated, and is that why you are becoming resentful toward someone who has criticized you or is not showing appreciation toward you? Think through the list of “rights” above and identify the ones that are most important to you; then reflect on how you tend to respond when these so-called “rights” are withheld from you.
5 Add to this list of “rights” any other items that are important and can be problematic to you. Consciously recognize that, if you are a Christian, you and all that you have and are (including your rights) belong to God (see Ps. 24:1; Rom. 12:1; 1 Cor. 6:19).
You are not your own. He knows what you need (see Phil. 4:19). Trust Him to take care of you and to provide whatever you need. Believe that God is much wiser than you.
Acknowledge this and dedicate all that you are and have, including your “rights,” to God. Trust Him to take care of His property. Cease to think in terms of your “rights,” and concentrate on God’s will and purpose and promises. Make it a point to specifically dedicate your “rights” to God on a regular basis.
6 Turning your so-called “rights” over to God doesn’t mean that you must become a doormat. It doesn’t mean that you never make your desires known, or that you never oppose, rebuke, insist, exhort, or seek to correct a person.
It does mean that you seek to do what you do in a biblical, God-honoring fashion, and that you do it for biblical, unselfish reasons out of biblical, God-honoring motives. It does mean that, after you have done all that you may legitimately do, you leave the results with God and believe that He will bring to pass what is right and good for you.
It means you believe God’s promise that those who fear the Lord shall not lack any good thing (see Ps. 34:8–10).
It means that you must fulfill your biblical responsibilities and then be content to leave your “rights” to God.
It means that what you formally considered to be “rights” you will choose to think of as privileges instead.
7 Our anger is sinful when we allow our anger to control us. Proverbs 16:32 says,
“He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.”
In other words, a person who controls his anger is better than a conquering general. Indeed, it’s often harder to conquer our own passions than to conquer a city. Proverbs 25:28 declares, “Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit.”
An uncontrolled spirit can be as destructive to our souls as an attacking army is to a city. These verses are warning us against being controlled by our spirit, which is partly made up of our emotions, rather than being in control of our spirit. We usually find it easier to allow the emotion of anger to control us than to maintain control of our anger.
How often have we heard someone say (or said ourselves), “I was so angry I just couldn’t help myself!”? What do people really mean when they say this? In reality, they are excusing themselves—both for being out of control and from the actions that resulted from their anger. People who say this are claiming no responsibility for what they have done, because they were at the mercy of their anger.
The truth, of course, is that their actions were sinful. Any time we allow our anger to control us, we are sinning. This is precisely what happened to King Ahab. When Ahab did not get what he wanted, he became angry. Instead of accepting Naboth’s refusal and going about his duties as ruler of the country, he went to his bedroom and stewed in his anger.
Later, Ahab’s anger led to the death of Naboth by the conniving Jezebel, Ahab’s wife (see 1 Kings 21). Ahab was controlled by his anger rather than in control of his anger.
By way of application, let’s consider this scenario. A certain man likes things to be neat and orderly. He likes his house to be cleaned up when he’s there. He has expressed his wishes to his wife: a neat house, a neat yard.
He has asked that the children’s toys be put away and the family room not left in shambles at the end of the day. He has asked that the children’s bicycles not be left all over the front yard, the backyard, and especially the driveway.
One night, this man comes home after a difficult day at work. As he approaches his house, he notices that the yard is full of toys. As he attempts to pull into the driveway, he finds that it’s blocked by several bicycles.
Seeing that his express wishes for the yard and the driveway have not been followed, he starts to become sinfully angry. As he moves the bikes and pulls into the driveway, he recites to himself what he has asked of his wife countless times:
“Keep the yard and the driveway cleaned up.” By the time he enters the house, he is stewing in his anger. Determined not to say anything to his wife, he greets her with a peck on the cheek, grunts a “hello,” and heads down to the family room to cool off.
The family room, of course, is also a mess. Toys are everywhere, and he cannot even sit down. His anger is now full-blown, and as he clears off his favorite chair he thinks to himself,
She doesn’t pay any attention to what I say.
She knows that I think this is important.
She doesn’t respect me as the head of this home.
I’m under tremendous pressure at work, and when I come home, all I want is some peace and quiet and a semblance of order. I can’t handle this mess. Why doesn’t she think about what I want? For the rest of the night, he stews and sulks silently, ignoring his family. What happened here?
This man was controlled by his anger. He allowed his spirit to rule his actions, rather than ruling his spirit as he ought to have done. Whenever we allow our anger to dictate how we act and to keep us from fulfilling our biblical responsibilities, our anger is sinful.
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What did the statement mean that our anger is sinful when we allow it to control us?
What happens when we allow our anger to control us?
Apply this to yourself: in what situations have you been controlled by your anger and done something sinful and destructive rather than being in control of your anger (see James 1:20)?
Write out one of the verses in this section that describes this controlling kind of anger. Our anger is sinful when it becomes the dominant feature of our lives. If other people’s first impressions of us are that we are touchy, irritable, or easily annoyed, then we may have a problem with sinful anger. If we find that people seem to be constantly “tiptoeing” around us, it could be an indication that we have a chronic problem with sinful anger.
Proverbs 19:19 refers to a person of “great” anger: “A man of great anger will bear the penalty, for if you rescue him, you will only have to do it again.” Proverbs 22:24 presents a similar idea when it says,
“Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man.” These verses describe the type of people who we could call “anger addicts.” They have turned the reins of their lives over to anger and are completely under its control.
It’s the norm—the pattern of their lives—for them to be angry. In 1 Timothy 3:3, the Bible teaches that an elder of the church must not be “given to wine” (NKJV). In other words, he must not be addicted to alcohol. Drinking alcohol must not be the dominant feature of his life, such that he turns to it for satisfaction and relief from problems.
The natural reaction for a person addicted to alcohol is to seek relief from life’s pressures in it. The two verses from Proverbs refer to the same idea, except the addiction is to anger: anger is the immediate, natural response when the pressure is on. When this is true of someone, he or she is exhibiting sinful anger.
I have dear friends who I love to be around because they’re sweet, easy to spend time with, and easy-tempered. There are other people, however, who make certain words immediately pop into my mind when I think of them: hostile, angry, and easily provoked.
These people are very difficult to get along with, and I don’t enjoy spending time with them. If that kind of anger is characteristic of our lives, we need to recognize and deal with it because it’s sinful anger.
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What did the statement mean that anger is sinful when it becomes the dominant feature of a person’s life?
What happens when anger becomes the dominant feature of a person’s life?
Have you personally dealt with your anger in this way?
When? In what circumstances or situations?
Write out one of the verses in this section that describes this kind of anger. In summary, anger can be godly and constructive or it can be ungodly and destructive. When God expresses anger, it’s always righteous.
When we express our anger, it’s often—if not usually—unrighteous. In our study of anger thus far, we have learned that anger that occurs for sinful reasons, such as jealousy, is sinful anger.
Anger that controls us—causes us to act out of passion—is likewise sinful anger. And anger that is the dominant feature of our lives is sinful anger as well. There are several other characteristics of sinful anger, and we will continue to look at these in chapter 2 of this book.
Some people sincerely believe that it’s always a sin to be angry. From childhood, they were taught that it was wrong to express anger in any form. There are other people who seem to believe that anger is never sinful—unless it’s directed at them.
For example, some parents will not tolerate their children expressing anger at them or at each other, but will quickly excuse their own anger toward their children. There are husbands and wives who have one standard for themselves and another standard for their spouses.
A man once told me that his anger against his wife was always justified. These people think that anger is wrong mostly when it’s someone else’s anger, not their own. The truth of the matter is that anger is sometimes sinful and sometimes righteous.
Ephesians 4:31 says, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice” (ESV). In other words, let every kind—all forms—of anger and wrath be put away. Colossians 3:8 teaches the same. “But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth.”
According to these verses, there is a kind of anger that is sinful and must be excluded from the life of a believer. This is the kind of anger that we find in Genesis 4, when Cain became angry with his brother Abel and murdered him. We see it in the life of King Saul, too: in 1 Samuel 18, Saul was angry with David when David did well in battle and was praised by the people.
Later, Saul became angry with his son, Jonathan, for being friends with David (see 1 Sam. 20:30). These were all expressions of sinful anger. In Mark 6:19, we are told that Herodias “had it in” (this is the literal translation from the Greek) for John the Baptist. Because of her sinful anger, John the Baptist was beheaded.
In Acts 7:54, the Jewish leaders were enraged against Stephen. As a result of their sinful anger, they took up stones and killed him. In Acts 23:3, the apostle Paul went before the high priest of the Sanhedrin and said, “God is going to strike you, you whitewashed wall! Do you sit to try me according to the Law, and in violation of the Law order me to be struck?”
The context and Paul’s later confession indicate that this was sinful anger on Paul’s part. As the Bible indicates in these and many other verses, there are times when our anger is sinful. The Bible also teaches that there are times when our anger is not sinful. There are times when it’s proper, righteous, and necessary to be angry.
In the same passage in Ephesians 4 where we are instructed to put aside bitterness, wrath, and anger, we are told that there is a way to be properly angry. Ephesians 4:26 commands us, “Be angry, and yet do not sin.” It’s clear from this verse that there is a kind of anger that is not sinful. These verses do not contradict each other; they are simply teaching us how to handle two different kinds of anger—anger that is sinful and anger that is not sinful.
There are many times in Scripture when God—who cannot sin—is
said to be angry. Psalm 7:11 says, “God . . . has indignation every day.” Exodus 4:14 tells us that the anger of God burned against Moses. Deuteronomy 29:27–28 declares, Therefore, the anger of the LORD burned against that land, to bring upon it every curse which is written in this book; and the Lord uprooted them from their land in anger and in fury and in great wrath, and cast them into another land, as it is this day.
God was extremely angry at the Israelites on this occasion and on others. The gospels of Mark and John describe two situations in which the Lord Jesus, the meek and lowly one, became righteously angry. Mark 3:5 says that He was deeply grieved and became angry because of the Pharisees’ hard hearts. We know that Christ’s anger was sinless—holy and righteous—because “in Him there is no sin” (1 John 3:5).
In John 2:13–17, Jesus angrily drove out the sellers and money changers from the temple courts because zeal for His Father’s house had consumed Him. Acts 17:16 relates an example of righteous anger on the part of the apostle Paul. While ministering in Philippi, Paul had been beaten, falsely accused, and thrown in prison.
His life had been in danger from an earthquake, and he had eventually been thrown out of town (see Acts 16:16–40). From Philippi, Paul went on to minister in two cities and was threatened and chased out of both (see Acts 17:1–15). Paul arrived in Athens alone and had to wait there for his companions, Timothy and Silas, to join him.
We can only assume that Paul arrived in Athens physically and emotionally exhausted. Very likely, he anticipated a time of rest and recovery while waiting for Timothy and Silas. Though this may have been his intention, the Scripture says that “his spirit was being provoked within him as he was observing the city full of idols” (Acts 17:16). The Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words indicates that this phrase means that Paul’s spirit was roused to anger.
1 The Christian Counselor’s New Testament translates the sentence this way: “He was enraged within as he looked at the city filled with images.”
2 In other words, Paul was righteously angry. Another example of righteous anger is found in 2 Corinthians 7:9–11. In his previous letter to the Corinthians, Paul rebuked the people for various sins. In this passage of his second letter to them, Paul describes their response to his first message: I now rejoice, not that you were made sorrowful, but that you were made sorrowful to the point of repentance; . . . for the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation. . . . For behold what earnestness this very thing, this godly sorrow, has produced in you: what vindication of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what avenging of wrong!
The believers in Corinth had responded to Paul’s teaching both in action and in mind. They took steps to avenge their wrongs (to pursue justice within their midst), and they also became sorrowful over their sin to the point of zealous indignation, or anger. Paul commended them for their anger because it was for the right reason and was expressed rightly.
In essence, he said to them, “Good job! I’m glad you became angry over your sin.” The passages that we just looked at clearly indicate that there are two kinds of anger. There is a sinful kind of anger that is destructive and ungodly, and there is a righteous kind of anger that is constructive and godly.
What, then, distinguishes godly anger from ungodly anger? When is our anger sinful and when is it righteous? How can we be sure that our anger is used constructively rather than destructively? To answer these questions, we first need to carefully study the characteristics of sinful anger—anger that is displeasing to God and destructive to us, other people, and other things.
We will study these characteristics throughout the rest of this chapter and all of chapter 2. In chapters 3 and 4, we will consider how to respond to our anger in a way that is godly and constructive.
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What do you think about the idea that anger is sometimes righteous and sometimes sinful?
What biblical statements support the concept of righteous anger?
Which of the two types of anger do you think occurs more frequently?
Which of the two types of anger do you think you experience more frequently? What biblical examples of righteous anger were given in the previous section? WHEN IS OUR ANGER SINFUL? WHAT ARE THE CHARACTERISTICS OF SINFUL ANGER?
Our anger is sinful when we become angry for the wrong reasons. In many cases, our anger is aroused because of our selfishness. Selfish anger is always a sin. Cain’s anger toward his brother Abel was a sinfully selfish anger (see Gen. 4). Cain had not brought a proper sacrifice to the Lord, and when God rejected his offering, Cain became angry with God and jealous of his brother.
His anger stemmed from both selfishness—at God’s rejecting his offering—and jealousy—at his brother’s offering being accepted. When we become angry because someone else is receiving attention or appreciation that we are not, our anger is sinful. If we are honest, we will recognize how frequently we get angry for this reason!
In 1 Kings 21, Ahab became sinfully angry because of his selfishness. Ahab, the king of Israel, wanted to buy the vineyard of a man named Naboth. Naboth refused to sell it, angering King Ahab. The Bible says, “So Ahab came into his house sullen and vexed” (v. 4). In other words, he was depressed (sullen) and angry (vexed).
In my experience with counseling, I have found that depression and anger often go together, as one frequently leads to the other. Ahab was angry because he was denied the vineyard that his heart coveted, and which he thought he had a right to. How often do we become angry because our “rights” have been denied?
Some time ago, I made an effort to be friendly to another person who was riding with me on an elevator. I gave the man standing beside me a cheerful hello and asked him, “How are you doing today?” The man ignored me; he never blinked an eye or acknowledged my greeting. He never answered my question. He just flat-out ignored me. My reaction to his lack of response was a bit of irritation. I thought, “Who does he think he is, treating me like that?”
I interpreted his nonresponse as a put-down and a slap in the face. In my sinful pride, I started to become angry. At the time, I wouldn’t have called it that. If I admitted that I was at all affected by that little episode, I would probably have used some euphemisms such as, “I was hurt, or a little upset, or mildly disturbed, at being snubbed that way.”
After all, I was nice to him. I went out of my way to show an interest in him. I thought I deserved a certain amount of politeness. I never considered that he might have had a lot on his mind, a problem with his hearing, or a severe headache, or that he was reticent to interact with strangers. I just assumed that I had a “right” to be acknowledged, and that he was denying that right.
When I was denied that perceived right, I experienced a mild form of anger. I thought that I had a right to be recognized. I thought I had a right to be treated as though I was worthwhile, as though I was important enough for this man to at least respond to me. That’s what happened with Ahab, and that’s what frequently happens with us.
Though my experience and expression of anger were not as severe as those of Ahab in 1 Kings 21, they were still the same species and had their roots in the same soil of pride and selfishness. That kind of response is sinful, selfish anger. When children fail to do something exactly as their parents want them to, even if their actions are not definitively sinful, parents sometimes become angry.
After all, they think, “Children are supposed to obey and show respect to their parents. And the fact that they didn’t do something exactly as I wanted them to shows disrespect.” Never mind that the Bible says, “Love suffers long and is kind; love . . . is not provoked” (1 Cor. 13:4–5 NKJV). Their children don’t treat them the way they want to be treated.
So they become peeved and upset and openly express their annoyance to their children. When that happens, the parents’ anger has nothing to do with what is best for the children. It’s simply due to the fact that the children are not doing what they want them to do. They become upset because the “rights” they have, as the boss of their home, are being denied. That kind of anger is sinful, selfish anger.
The anger of Herodias against John the Baptist was a sinful, selfish anger. She was upset with John the Baptist because he had told her that she was sinning by living with her husband’s brother.
Herodias did not want to hear the truth about her sinful lifestyle because she felt that she had a “right” to live as she pleased. Likewise, Saul’s anger against David was sinfully selfish. When Saul heard the women singing, “Saul has slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands” (1 Sam. 18:7), the Bible says that Saul, from that time forward, was angry with David.
He was jealous of the praise and recognition that David was getting. His anger was sinfully selfish. How frequently do we become angry when someone else receives more credit than we do? We may think about how regularly we attend church services, how dedicated we are to serving others, how faithfully we teach Sunday school classes week after week, or how much money we give to the work of the church. Then, when someone else is recognized for something in the church more than we are, we respond with sinful, selfish anger. “It’s not fair! I deserve recognition, too!”
In Luke 15:11–32, Jesus told the parable of the prodigal son. In this parable, a young man treated his father unfairly. He demanded his inheritance and then ran away from home with it. He wasted the money on wicked living, quickly using it up. After hitting rock bottom and realizing he had nowhere else to turn, he returned home. His father welcomed him back with open arms, dressed him in fine clothes, and threw a big party to celebrate his son’s return.
But when his older brother found out what his father had done, he became resentful and angry. He refused to even come into the house. Why? He was hurt by his father’s attention to his younger brother and jealous of the honor that he was receiving. In other words, he was selfishly angry.
Our anger is always sinful when it’s caused by our selfishness. Whether we have had our feelings hurt, or we are jealous, or we are not getting recognition, or we believe that our “rights” are being denied—all of these things lead to sinful, selfish anger.
In the application exercise that follows this paragraph, I will include a practical application study from my Homework Manual for Biblical Living that will help to identify how this issue of denied “rights” might be part of an anger problem.
3 — APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What did the statement mean that our anger is sinful when we become angry for the wrong reasons? Identify what, in many cases, arouses our anger and makes it sinful. What does the issue of rights have to do with sinful anger?
Which of the following do you consider to be your “rights”?
º Right to have and control personal belongings
º Right to privacy
º Right to have and express personal opinions
º Right to earn and use money
º Right to plan your own schedule
º Right to get respect from others and be obeyed by others
º Right to have and choose friends
º Right to belong, be loved, and be accepted
º Right to be understood and treated fairly
º Right to make your own decisions and determine your own future
º Right to be successful
º Right to have good health
º Right to date / be married
º Right to have children
º Right to be considered worthwhile and important
º Right to security and safety
º Right to travel
º Right to have the job you want
º Right to a good education
º Right to be a beautiful person and to be desired
º Right to have fun and be free of problems
º Right to raise your children your way
4 Which of these “rights” are you being denied, and by whom? Discern which “rights” you think are being denied or neglected when you start to become angry. Do you think you have a right to be respected, and is that why you are becoming annoyed at someone when that person doesn’t show you respect?
Do you think you have a right to be appreciated, and is that why you are becoming resentful toward someone who has criticized you or is not showing appreciation toward you? Think through the list of “rights” above and identify the ones that are most important to you; then reflect on how you tend to respond when these so-called “rights” are withheld from you.
5 Add to this list of “rights” any other items that are important and can be problematic to you. Consciously recognize that, if you are a Christian, you and all that you have and are (including your rights) belong to God (see Ps. 24:1; Rom. 12:1; 1 Cor. 6:19).
You are not your own. He knows what you need (see Phil. 4:19). Trust Him to take care of you and to provide whatever you need. Believe that God is much wiser than you.
Acknowledge this and dedicate all that you are and have, including your “rights,” to God. Trust Him to take care of His property. Cease to think in terms of your “rights,” and concentrate on God’s will and purpose and promises. Make it a point to specifically dedicate your “rights” to God on a regular basis.
6 Turning your so-called “rights” over to God doesn’t mean that you must become a doormat. It doesn’t mean that you never make your desires known, or that you never oppose, rebuke, insist, exhort, or seek to correct a person.
It does mean that you seek to do what you do in a biblical, God-honoring fashion, and that you do it for biblical, unselfish reasons out of biblical, God-honoring motives. It does mean that, after you have done all that you may legitimately do, you leave the results with God and believe that He will bring to pass what is right and good for you.
It means you believe God’s promise that those who fear the Lord shall not lack any good thing (see Ps. 34:8–10).
It means that you must fulfill your biblical responsibilities and then be content to leave your “rights” to God.
It means that what you formally considered to be “rights” you will choose to think of as privileges instead.
7 Our anger is sinful when we allow our anger to control us. Proverbs 16:32 says,
“He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.”
In other words, a person who controls his anger is better than a conquering general. Indeed, it’s often harder to conquer our own passions than to conquer a city. Proverbs 25:28 declares, “Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit.”
An uncontrolled spirit can be as destructive to our souls as an attacking army is to a city. These verses are warning us against being controlled by our spirit, which is partly made up of our emotions, rather than being in control of our spirit. We usually find it easier to allow the emotion of anger to control us than to maintain control of our anger.
How often have we heard someone say (or said ourselves), “I was so angry I just couldn’t help myself!”? What do people really mean when they say this? In reality, they are excusing themselves—both for being out of control and from the actions that resulted from their anger. People who say this are claiming no responsibility for what they have done, because they were at the mercy of their anger.
The truth, of course, is that their actions were sinful. Any time we allow our anger to control us, we are sinning. This is precisely what happened to King Ahab. When Ahab did not get what he wanted, he became angry. Instead of accepting Naboth’s refusal and going about his duties as ruler of the country, he went to his bedroom and stewed in his anger.
Later, Ahab’s anger led to the death of Naboth by the conniving Jezebel, Ahab’s wife (see 1 Kings 21). Ahab was controlled by his anger rather than in control of his anger.
By way of application, let’s consider this scenario. A certain man likes things to be neat and orderly. He likes his house to be cleaned up when he’s there. He has expressed his wishes to his wife: a neat house, a neat yard.
He has asked that the children’s toys be put away and the family room not left in shambles at the end of the day. He has asked that the children’s bicycles not be left all over the front yard, the backyard, and especially the driveway.
One night, this man comes home after a difficult day at work. As he approaches his house, he notices that the yard is full of toys. As he attempts to pull into the driveway, he finds that it’s blocked by several bicycles.
Seeing that his express wishes for the yard and the driveway have not been followed, he starts to become sinfully angry. As he moves the bikes and pulls into the driveway, he recites to himself what he has asked of his wife countless times:
“Keep the yard and the driveway cleaned up.” By the time he enters the house, he is stewing in his anger. Determined not to say anything to his wife, he greets her with a peck on the cheek, grunts a “hello,” and heads down to the family room to cool off.
The family room, of course, is also a mess. Toys are everywhere, and he cannot even sit down. His anger is now full-blown, and as he clears off his favorite chair he thinks to himself,
She doesn’t pay any attention to what I say.
She knows that I think this is important.
She doesn’t respect me as the head of this home.
I’m under tremendous pressure at work, and when I come home, all I want is some peace and quiet and a semblance of order. I can’t handle this mess. Why doesn’t she think about what I want? For the rest of the night, he stews and sulks silently, ignoring his family. What happened here?
This man was controlled by his anger. He allowed his spirit to rule his actions, rather than ruling his spirit as he ought to have done. Whenever we allow our anger to dictate how we act and to keep us from fulfilling our biblical responsibilities, our anger is sinful.
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What did the statement mean that our anger is sinful when we allow it to control us?
What happens when we allow our anger to control us?
Apply this to yourself: in what situations have you been controlled by your anger and done something sinful and destructive rather than being in control of your anger (see James 1:20)?
Write out one of the verses in this section that describes this controlling kind of anger. Our anger is sinful when it becomes the dominant feature of our lives. If other people’s first impressions of us are that we are touchy, irritable, or easily annoyed, then we may have a problem with sinful anger. If we find that people seem to be constantly “tiptoeing” around us, it could be an indication that we have a chronic problem with sinful anger.
Proverbs 19:19 refers to a person of “great” anger: “A man of great anger will bear the penalty, for if you rescue him, you will only have to do it again.” Proverbs 22:24 presents a similar idea when it says,
“Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man.” These verses describe the type of people who we could call “anger addicts.” They have turned the reins of their lives over to anger and are completely under its control.
It’s the norm—the pattern of their lives—for them to be angry. In 1 Timothy 3:3, the Bible teaches that an elder of the church must not be “given to wine” (NKJV). In other words, he must not be addicted to alcohol. Drinking alcohol must not be the dominant feature of his life, such that he turns to it for satisfaction and relief from problems.
The natural reaction for a person addicted to alcohol is to seek relief from life’s pressures in it. The two verses from Proverbs refer to the same idea, except the addiction is to anger: anger is the immediate, natural response when the pressure is on. When this is true of someone, he or she is exhibiting sinful anger.
I have dear friends who I love to be around because they’re sweet, easy to spend time with, and easy-tempered. There are other people, however, who make certain words immediately pop into my mind when I think of them: hostile, angry, and easily provoked.
These people are very difficult to get along with, and I don’t enjoy spending time with them. If that kind of anger is characteristic of our lives, we need to recognize and deal with it because it’s sinful anger.
— APPLICATION QUESTIONS —
What did the statement mean that anger is sinful when it becomes the dominant feature of a person’s life?
What happens when anger becomes the dominant feature of a person’s life?
Have you personally dealt with your anger in this way?
When? In what circumstances or situations?
Write out one of the verses in this section that describes this kind of anger. In summary, anger can be godly and constructive or it can be ungodly and destructive. When God expresses anger, it’s always righteous.
When we express our anger, it’s often—if not usually—unrighteous. In our study of anger thus far, we have learned that anger that occurs for sinful reasons, such as jealousy, is sinful anger.
Anger that controls us—causes us to act out of passion—is likewise sinful anger. And anger that is the dominant feature of our lives is sinful anger as well. There are several other characteristics of sinful anger, and we will continue to look at these in chapter 2 of this book.